"Stairs" transformed

Orientation began at 4 pm in Alexander Hall - one of the buildings closest to the road.  By this morning I had categorized all the buildings by either their proximity to places where I could park a car, or how many stairs had to be climbed to reach the classroom - not how one should deal with the beauty of this campus.  Suffice it to say that I was well and truly stuck in the pragmatics of the situation.

When we arrived in the Bay area yesterday, the first thing we did was drive to San Anselmo so I could see the Seminary.  Now you'd think that, having known that SFTS is described as the "city on a hill," I would have grasped the "hill" part of that equation.  The apartment building I'm staying in is at the bottom of the hill.  And what a hill it is...I was so overwhelmed by the hill and the stairs that the first thought in my head was WHAT WAS I THINKING...I CAN'T DO THIS!  After we went to a cafe and had lunch, I was ready to try again.  This time my response was "oh dear...what was I thinking..."  By this morning I was ready to formulate a plan (what all good generals do), so we checked into the apartment (stairs) and went to the grocery store and brought groceries home (stairs) - poor Bill was like a pack mule - then headed over to register for the course (stairs) and then drove Bill back to San Jose so he could catch his plane and I could get back for orientation (traffic).  Allow me to digress for a moment - I had completely forgotten how fast people drive in California, and that the passing distance between cars is measured in millimeters.  Maybe that wasn't a digression after all - traffic and stairs... fear and inadequacy...
.
So I was thinking of stairs as orientation began in Alexander Hall (having just walked up them).  We began with a time of sharing, and Sam asked us to think about a recent time when we felt beloved of God - a time when we felt God was well pleased with us (referring back to the Markan baptismal story of Jesus).  As we sat in silence, I found myself thinking about the stairs - and I almost laughed out loud.  Here I was, beginning this amazing program in this beautiful setting with the opportunity to meet new colleagues and learn and grow, and the focus of my attention was fear - not love, grace, gratitude, or God.  When I focus on my fear of the stairs (and in looking inadequate by not being able to leap tall hillsides with a single bound) the fear is controlling my life - it is "driving my bus" and I'm a passenger on a very unhappy ride.  Fear was keeping me from smelling the camellias and from seeing the blessings all around me - and from focusing on God's loving presence in my life.  I waited a long time to find this program...my community sent me here to learn and grow and share with them what I learned...Bill hauled an entire suitcase of books through two airports and up a flight of (you know whats) to get me settled...David called to wish me well right before I headed for orientation... I am well and truly loved and blessed - and part of something larger than myself.  I could feel my heart soften and my breath deepen as I remembered that God had been loving me through others all along, and that the stairs - and the fears and inadequacy they represent - needn't be the focus of my attention. 

When orientation was done, Sam (the program director) expressed his concern about my mobility issues, and said that the Seminary could rent a golf cart if that would help me get around.  I started to laugh - which surprised him, as he didn't know the back story.  I thanked him, and told him I would let him know if that would be helpful.  "You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me (Psalm 139).

And now for truly amazing part of the story.  Since orientation ended an hour earlier than expected, I decided to head back to the apartment to unpack before the evening meal.  I parked in front of the apartment building, and as I was gathering up my things, I saw some adults with children and pets standing across the street.  As I walked towards the building, I noticed a man from that grouping staring at me - odd, I thought.  As I headed for the stairs, I heard footsteps coming my way, and this same man called out to me - "Excuse me, ma'am, were you a Vicar in Aberdeenshire?"  It turns out that I officiated at his wedding while I lived in Scotland.  His best man married a woman from San Anselmo, and the couple I married were over here for vacation.  They just happened to be out walking when I pulled up.  Within a minute I was engulfed in the warmth of hugs, appreciation and good wishes from this man, his wife and their best man - and an invitation to dinner when they all return from their trip to Tahoe.  They laughed about the "coincidence" of running in to me in San Anselmo.  I smiled and assured them that there was no luck involved in our meeting, and allowed myself to experience God's embrace and warmth through them. The only word that came to mind was "awesome."

"You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."  What a precious thing it is to remember that we are beloved of God, that God is well pleased with us and delights in us, and is amazingly creative in how that love can be shown.  It is so easy to miss God's loving embrace when we focus on fear.  I settle into that love tonight before my first full day of coursework begins - a day full of "stairs" from dawn until dusk.  May I learn to see the "stairs" through different eyes, and not be driven by fear and its companion, inadequacy.  May I settle into love, and trust that the love will be more than enough for whatever the "stairs" may bring.

May you also know and notice that love.  How our world would change if we saw ourselves and one another (friend, family, stranger and enemy)  as the beloved of God, and responded to all from hearts filled with love, not fear.

Sweet dreams,
Kim