Today's blessings were a tonic for my soul. A tree full of red-winged blackbirds started my day (they were quiet - it must take them time to find their voices) and the dusting of snow made their presence impossible to miss. My heart monitor didn't arrive today, so I got to spend an hour gently excrcising at the Elks Rehab pool - perhaps the last time for a month. I savored every second in the water - each movement was a blessing. I had a perfect cup of heart tea at Shangri La (visiting Shangri La is always good for my heart). And I had a pre-dissertation defense conversation with David, whose big day is tomorrow. I got some paperwork done in the office and might be almost 1/4 of the way through my emails. It was a good day, even if it was a fraction of what is normally done in my day.
But last night ended on an interesting note. After spending my quiet time in prayer (which amounted to a wordless time of silence and sorrow sitting in God's presence), I headed to bed to read my two Lenten devotionals before I fell asleep. I turned first to Bread and Wine, and read the day's reflection with a bit of disinterest and boredom. That changed, however, when the final sentence of the essay jumped off the page and hit me right between the eyes: "Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence."
Ouch! I am so fiercely independent, and stake part of my identity on this personality trait. Perhaps under certain circumstances this quality serves me well, but it isn't helping me right now (and I'm not sure it is ever my best asset). If I had a dollar for everyone who, in the past few days, has sincerely offered to help me during this difficult time, I could make a substantial down-payment on the national debt. Yet I cannot think of anything for them to do, and instead try to find ways to keep doing everything I always do, in one form or another. Today a dear colleague once again offered to help me with my pastoral work, and I honestly could not think of anything he could do to help me. As I thought about it, I realized that I respond to God, my friend and partner, in the same way. "I've got it all under control - thanks but no thanks, I can handle it."
People I care for who behave like this drive me crazy! Psychology teaches us that the qualities in others that invite a strong, negative reaction are often qualities we cannot accept or acknowledge in ourselves. Buddhism teaches us that by embracing those qualities, we can deepen our capacity for compassion, and thereby be of greater service to others. Christianity teaches us that we don't face these lessons alone; God helps us to work through them.
How odd to find myself having to learn all over again how to share...and accept help...and to not see myself as weak and flawed because I cannot uphold the world in the palm of my hand.
Sigh. You never know what work you will find to do in a construction zone...
Before I turned out the light I read the day's passage in Henri Nouwen's Lenten Devotional Show Me The Way. Again, my mind wandered a bit during the devotional, but the closing prayer went straight to my heart:
Why, O Lord, is it so hard for me
to keep my heart directed toward you?
Why does my mind wander off
in so many directions,
and why does my heart desire
the things that lead me astray?
Let me sense your presence
in the midst of my turmoil.
Take my tired body,
my confused mind,
and my restless soul into your arms
and give me rest - simple, quiet rest.
And with that prayer I turned out the light, and allowed myself to rest in God's arms...and I slept a deep, peaceful sleep.
May you do the same tonight, resting in the arms of God.
With love,
Kim
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On...
Today I was reminded that I hate speed-bumps even more than I hate construction zones. My cruising speed was reduced to 35 mph today, and I have to slow up even more each time I come to a speed bump. It has been a day of adjustments and tears. And deep breaths and acceptance. And anger and non-acceptance. And acceptance.
It is a process that involves a whole lot of flexibility. Flexibility (in theory) is beautiful to ponder. Living it is another story. Change is a necessary and normal part of life, and is meant to be celebrated (in theory). Being in the midst of change feels less celebratory and more unsettling - like the feeling of a minor earthquake. You feel the earth moving beneath your feet and watch the light fixtures sway, all the while saying to yourself "wait a minute - that is solid ground beneath my feet. It isn't supposed to move." Yet move it does...and if you are in a smart building with earthquake sensitive construction, it will move and flex with the waves and come through just fine. Flexibility...
Today I learned that I will spend the next month on a heart monitor - no heated rehab pool five days a week (which is my primary method of pain control, exercise, and my number one coping strategy). Right after Easter I will have a morning of tests that, coupled with this epic heart rhythm study, will provide the necessary data for why my heart beats funny. In the meantime, life is change, adaptation, and flexibility. I am not smiling.
I'm feeling too raw tonight to have a plan for managing the pain and stuff that will come this month. I will come up with a plan tomorrow. Tonight I'm sad, and a little bit overwhelmed, and wishing that there was another way forward. For a moment today I tried to talk myself out of being upset ("there are plenty of people in the world who are facing situations that are far more difficult and tragic than your circumstances - stop feeling sorry for yourself!")! I just started to buy into this story line, stuff my feelings and paint on my brave face when I listened to the tone and quality of this inner voice and remembered that it wasn't my better angels talking to me... and I let it go. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they are just feelings. Let them be...
God may get an earful tonight during prayer. Or I may say nothing, and just have a good cry. God doesn't need my words to know how I feel, but I know God appreciates it when I show up, even when carrying unpleasant stuff, and share it with the one who knows firsthand what stuff is like. Our friendship and partnership are strengthened each time I open my heart to God, stuff and all.
Perhaps you have had an earthquake time in your life, when there was more than enough stuff to deal with. Maybe you talked yourself out of your feelings and minimized your problems. Maybe you used denial or rationalization to make them go away. Perhaps you put a brave face on for family and friends. If that is what you needed to do to get through, so be it. But don't deny, rationalize, "brave face" and pretty things up for God. God values our honesty and wants us to be real - honesty and love make for a good foundation in any relationship.
A wise man likes to remind me that there is a trinity of qualities that bring healing and hope to any situation: Truth - Love - Time. God and I will sit with these three tonight, and I will trust that they will indeed heal my shaky heart. They may be the best earthquake technology of all...
With a whole lotta shakin goin on,
Kim
It is a process that involves a whole lot of flexibility. Flexibility (in theory) is beautiful to ponder. Living it is another story. Change is a necessary and normal part of life, and is meant to be celebrated (in theory). Being in the midst of change feels less celebratory and more unsettling - like the feeling of a minor earthquake. You feel the earth moving beneath your feet and watch the light fixtures sway, all the while saying to yourself "wait a minute - that is solid ground beneath my feet. It isn't supposed to move." Yet move it does...and if you are in a smart building with earthquake sensitive construction, it will move and flex with the waves and come through just fine. Flexibility...
Today I learned that I will spend the next month on a heart monitor - no heated rehab pool five days a week (which is my primary method of pain control, exercise, and my number one coping strategy). Right after Easter I will have a morning of tests that, coupled with this epic heart rhythm study, will provide the necessary data for why my heart beats funny. In the meantime, life is change, adaptation, and flexibility. I am not smiling.
I'm feeling too raw tonight to have a plan for managing the pain and stuff that will come this month. I will come up with a plan tomorrow. Tonight I'm sad, and a little bit overwhelmed, and wishing that there was another way forward. For a moment today I tried to talk myself out of being upset ("there are plenty of people in the world who are facing situations that are far more difficult and tragic than your circumstances - stop feeling sorry for yourself!")! I just started to buy into this story line, stuff my feelings and paint on my brave face when I listened to the tone and quality of this inner voice and remembered that it wasn't my better angels talking to me... and I let it go. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they are just feelings. Let them be...
God may get an earful tonight during prayer. Or I may say nothing, and just have a good cry. God doesn't need my words to know how I feel, but I know God appreciates it when I show up, even when carrying unpleasant stuff, and share it with the one who knows firsthand what stuff is like. Our friendship and partnership are strengthened each time I open my heart to God, stuff and all.
Perhaps you have had an earthquake time in your life, when there was more than enough stuff to deal with. Maybe you talked yourself out of your feelings and minimized your problems. Maybe you used denial or rationalization to make them go away. Perhaps you put a brave face on for family and friends. If that is what you needed to do to get through, so be it. But don't deny, rationalize, "brave face" and pretty things up for God. God values our honesty and wants us to be real - honesty and love make for a good foundation in any relationship.
A wise man likes to remind me that there is a trinity of qualities that bring healing and hope to any situation: Truth - Love - Time. God and I will sit with these three tonight, and I will trust that they will indeed heal my shaky heart. They may be the best earthquake technology of all...
With a whole lotta shakin goin on,
Kim
Monday, February 27, 2012
Detours, Speed Limits, and Construction Zones
One thing I love about Idaho is the 75 mph speed limit on the open road. Coming from a family of race car drivers (who waste their time on a closed circuit turning left) I find 75 to be a perfectly civilized speed. There is nothing like wide open spaces before and behind, with sage brush, mountains and endless sky - and a civilized speed limit. Hit cruise control and fly...
... which is fine until you see the detour sign and new posted speed limit - my experience on Saturday night. I was cruising along enjoying the view with my mapquest directions beside me, and all of a sudden I was turned onto a different road via the emergency room here in Meridian. A funny heart rhythm that had annoyed me since December unexpectedly morphed into something that came with pain and cold sweats - and didn't stop a few seconds after starting as it usually does. Even I, who was raised in a family that can claim denial as a primary coping strategy, sport and group accomplishment, knew that I could not pretend this wasn't happening. So with my "I hate hospitals" mantra playing loudly in my head, I went to the local ER anyway.
The care I received was outstanding - I have no cause for complaint. The negative mantra is clearly based in the past (as most of them are) and has no basis in the present. After my initial work up, they kept me in an observation unit for eight hours to make sure my I hadn't had a heart attack. My room was small, quiet (except for the alarms I kept setting off) and had no outside windows. Once I was settled in it, they turned off the lights, closed the door and told me to rest.
It was here in the relative silence of this semi-dark, windowless room that I got a better view of the new road I was on, thanks to this detour. The speed limit signs now said 45 mph, and soon my least favorite sign came into view: Construction Zone.
This was not the Lent I expected.
I hate construction zones.
Dr. Dean Ornish was one of the first cardiologists to point out that heart issues are never simply plumbing and electrical problems - there are always lifestyle issues (stress, negative emotions, nutritional choices) accompaning the electrical and plumbing problems. The doctors have the responsibility of choosing those tests that will help to identify what problem sends my heart either racing like we're running in the Daytona 500 or trying to play the drum solo in Brubeck's "Take Five", and then recommend treatment. I have the responsibility of showing up as a responsible medical consumer, and doing the work on the lifestyle issues so that their work isn't in vain. And as this is a construction zone, I have no doubt that I will stumble onto additional spiritual work that invites attention.
This was not the Lent I signed up for.
In fact, today I should be up at the Monastery of St. Gertrude's, soaking in the beauty, solitude and prayer. I even had my suitcase out and books selected for the retreat - I love Lenten Retreats! Instead, I will be spending this week getting to know the wonderful world of cardiology.
This was not the Lent I envisioned.
But even though this isn't the experience of my planning, hopes and dreams, God is still here. It was about 7:30 am as I stared at the wall in room 144 of the observation unit - the light from the monitor casting an odd glow in the room. And I knew I wasn't alone. God was as present as if I was standing at a window in the Spirit Center at St Gertude's watching a hawk soar - or snow fall - or the deer come down the hill at dusk. "Here we are..." I said. Here we are, indeed. Together - and that is all that matters.
At that moment I felt an invitation I to start thinking about all the things for which I could be grateful. No heart damage. Competent, efficient medical care. One of the flashing lights on the telemetry monitor was a lovely shade of blue. The migraine that was triggered from the nitro wasn't too bad. I would be ok. We are in this together. I am not alone. And in the midst of the beeping and blood draws and all that went with the experience, I experienced a moment of deep peace.
So here I am, on a road I didn't pick, at a speed limit I don't like, in a construction zone I'd rather skip, and hearing the lyrics from a country song in my head (not my music of choice): "Sounds like life to me." Time to just get on with it.
Have you ever had the experience of running into an unexpected detour when you clearly had other plans in mind? Where was God (for you) in the experience?
I've been told that you see more of the road when driving at a lower speed limit. I'll let you know if its true...
The journey continues...
Kim
... which is fine until you see the detour sign and new posted speed limit - my experience on Saturday night. I was cruising along enjoying the view with my mapquest directions beside me, and all of a sudden I was turned onto a different road via the emergency room here in Meridian. A funny heart rhythm that had annoyed me since December unexpectedly morphed into something that came with pain and cold sweats - and didn't stop a few seconds after starting as it usually does. Even I, who was raised in a family that can claim denial as a primary coping strategy, sport and group accomplishment, knew that I could not pretend this wasn't happening. So with my "I hate hospitals" mantra playing loudly in my head, I went to the local ER anyway.
The care I received was outstanding - I have no cause for complaint. The negative mantra is clearly based in the past (as most of them are) and has no basis in the present. After my initial work up, they kept me in an observation unit for eight hours to make sure my I hadn't had a heart attack. My room was small, quiet (except for the alarms I kept setting off) and had no outside windows. Once I was settled in it, they turned off the lights, closed the door and told me to rest.
It was here in the relative silence of this semi-dark, windowless room that I got a better view of the new road I was on, thanks to this detour. The speed limit signs now said 45 mph, and soon my least favorite sign came into view: Construction Zone.
This was not the Lent I expected.
I hate construction zones.
Dr. Dean Ornish was one of the first cardiologists to point out that heart issues are never simply plumbing and electrical problems - there are always lifestyle issues (stress, negative emotions, nutritional choices) accompaning the electrical and plumbing problems. The doctors have the responsibility of choosing those tests that will help to identify what problem sends my heart either racing like we're running in the Daytona 500 or trying to play the drum solo in Brubeck's "Take Five", and then recommend treatment. I have the responsibility of showing up as a responsible medical consumer, and doing the work on the lifestyle issues so that their work isn't in vain. And as this is a construction zone, I have no doubt that I will stumble onto additional spiritual work that invites attention.
This was not the Lent I signed up for.
In fact, today I should be up at the Monastery of St. Gertrude's, soaking in the beauty, solitude and prayer. I even had my suitcase out and books selected for the retreat - I love Lenten Retreats! Instead, I will be spending this week getting to know the wonderful world of cardiology.
This was not the Lent I envisioned.
But even though this isn't the experience of my planning, hopes and dreams, God is still here. It was about 7:30 am as I stared at the wall in room 144 of the observation unit - the light from the monitor casting an odd glow in the room. And I knew I wasn't alone. God was as present as if I was standing at a window in the Spirit Center at St Gertude's watching a hawk soar - or snow fall - or the deer come down the hill at dusk. "Here we are..." I said. Here we are, indeed. Together - and that is all that matters.
At that moment I felt an invitation I to start thinking about all the things for which I could be grateful. No heart damage. Competent, efficient medical care. One of the flashing lights on the telemetry monitor was a lovely shade of blue. The migraine that was triggered from the nitro wasn't too bad. I would be ok. We are in this together. I am not alone. And in the midst of the beeping and blood draws and all that went with the experience, I experienced a moment of deep peace.
So here I am, on a road I didn't pick, at a speed limit I don't like, in a construction zone I'd rather skip, and hearing the lyrics from a country song in my head (not my music of choice): "Sounds like life to me." Time to just get on with it.
Have you ever had the experience of running into an unexpected detour when you clearly had other plans in mind? Where was God (for you) in the experience?
I've been told that you see more of the road when driving at a lower speed limit. I'll let you know if its true...
The journey continues...
Kim
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Temptations are Coming!
All of us struggle with temptations - no one skates through life on planet earth without putting in some serious one-on-one time with the very things that tempt us most. One of the first Bible stories we hear in Lent is Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. Church tradition teaches that Jesus went into the wilderness for a time of silence, solitude, prayer, and to prepare to assume his ministry. Along with that he got a companion who kept presenting to him a unique display of temptations custom-made to entice Jesus...a voice that kept whispering in his ear the very things he did not want to think about or consider...
Even Jesus didn't skate through life on planet earth without wrestling with temptation.
Knowing that temptation will come (and my friend, believe me, it will come) takes some of the sting out of the experience. No need to say "poor me" or ask "why is this happening to me?" It's what happens, period.
Wise mentors have told me that the experience of facing a temptation and moving through it is a great teacher. These words, when remembered post-temptation, do bring me comfort. Pre-temptation, they just invite angry feelings, and a suggestion from me that being in "school" with these great "teachers" is a totally overrated experience.
And yet the temptations come. Some are easy to identify. I'm vegan; my husband is not. My choice to be vegan was made first for medical reasons, and now is both a medical and ethical choice. Tonight for his birthday I took him out to dinner, and enjoyed my hummus and warm pita followed by a roasted beet salad (it was truly nice), while I watched him enjoy his filet mignon with bearnaise sauce etc, and finish the meal with a bread pudding with warm white chocolate sauce. I really like filet mignon, love bearnaise sauce, and adore white chocolate in any form - with warm white chocolate sauce being gastronomic nirvana. It is also not good for me (but a little bit won't hurt) and so saying no is a nurturing thing for me to do (but it would taste soooo good and this is a special occasion). (For the record, the voice in parentheses is not the voice of my husband, but the voice that whispers in my ear enticing me to do something that is not in my best interest).
Like I said, some temptations are easy to spot. Other times, they are so well camouflaged that they wage a temptation by stealth campaign on our hearts. One of these steath temptations went to work on me yesterday, but thanks to the first reading in the Lenten devotional by Henri Nouwen, it was quickly unmasked. If you, like me, struggle with a lack of self-forgiveness and mercy, you may recognize this temptation:
"God's mercy is greater than our sins. There is an awareness of sin that does not lead to God but rather to self-preoccupation. Our temptation is to be so impressed by our sins and failings and so overwhelmed by our lack of generosity that we get stuck in a paralyzing guilt. It is the guilt that says: 'I am too sinful to deserve God's mercy.' It is the guilt that leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God. It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride. Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord." (Show Me The Way, by Henri J.M. Nouwen, p 14).
Without the wisdom of this passage, I might have wallowed in the muck of this temptation without even realizing what it was! I am always grateful for the wisdom gained and shared by those who have also walked this road. We learn from each other.
The temptations are coming! So let them come, take a deep breath, and allow the wisdom of God's people, past and present, to help see you through. You will not face the temptations alone; the God who knows first hand what temptation is like stands with you. Take God's hand - breathe deeply - game on!
I will write again on Sunday, following a time of Sabbath rest and reflection.
Blessed Lenten journey,
Kim
Even Jesus didn't skate through life on planet earth without wrestling with temptation.
Knowing that temptation will come (and my friend, believe me, it will come) takes some of the sting out of the experience. No need to say "poor me" or ask "why is this happening to me?" It's what happens, period.
Wise mentors have told me that the experience of facing a temptation and moving through it is a great teacher. These words, when remembered post-temptation, do bring me comfort. Pre-temptation, they just invite angry feelings, and a suggestion from me that being in "school" with these great "teachers" is a totally overrated experience.
And yet the temptations come. Some are easy to identify. I'm vegan; my husband is not. My choice to be vegan was made first for medical reasons, and now is both a medical and ethical choice. Tonight for his birthday I took him out to dinner, and enjoyed my hummus and warm pita followed by a roasted beet salad (it was truly nice), while I watched him enjoy his filet mignon with bearnaise sauce etc, and finish the meal with a bread pudding with warm white chocolate sauce. I really like filet mignon, love bearnaise sauce, and adore white chocolate in any form - with warm white chocolate sauce being gastronomic nirvana. It is also not good for me (but a little bit won't hurt) and so saying no is a nurturing thing for me to do (but it would taste soooo good and this is a special occasion). (For the record, the voice in parentheses is not the voice of my husband, but the voice that whispers in my ear enticing me to do something that is not in my best interest).
Like I said, some temptations are easy to spot. Other times, they are so well camouflaged that they wage a temptation by stealth campaign on our hearts. One of these steath temptations went to work on me yesterday, but thanks to the first reading in the Lenten devotional by Henri Nouwen, it was quickly unmasked. If you, like me, struggle with a lack of self-forgiveness and mercy, you may recognize this temptation:
"God's mercy is greater than our sins. There is an awareness of sin that does not lead to God but rather to self-preoccupation. Our temptation is to be so impressed by our sins and failings and so overwhelmed by our lack of generosity that we get stuck in a paralyzing guilt. It is the guilt that says: 'I am too sinful to deserve God's mercy.' It is the guilt that leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God. It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride. Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord." (Show Me The Way, by Henri J.M. Nouwen, p 14).
Without the wisdom of this passage, I might have wallowed in the muck of this temptation without even realizing what it was! I am always grateful for the wisdom gained and shared by those who have also walked this road. We learn from each other.
The temptations are coming! So let them come, take a deep breath, and allow the wisdom of God's people, past and present, to help see you through. You will not face the temptations alone; the God who knows first hand what temptation is like stands with you. Take God's hand - breathe deeply - game on!
I will write again on Sunday, following a time of Sabbath rest and reflection.
Blessed Lenten journey,
Kim
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
We truly are Stardust
In seminary we all had to try making ashes from last year's Palm Sunday palms - once. What a mess! The purists in our group found new and better ways to burn the palms, while the rest of us thought they were a deal at any price from the local Christian bookstore. I remembered this experience as I took the little packet of ashes out of the envelope and put them in a proper container for this evening's service (compliments of the local Christian bookstore).
Ash Wednesday is about many things - the beginning of Lent (and hence a new beginning), a time to reflect and repent (which means change direction), and a time to remember who we are and where we come from. It is this remembering function that led me to invite those gathered for worship tonight to consider the story of creation
But not one of the stories from Genesis - those are particular creation stories that arise from our Judeo-Christian heritage. Instead, we went back further - around 15 billion years further - to the creation of the universe. Using the narrative from The Universe Story by Thomas Berry and Brian Swimme, we began at the very beginning, that initial unity, and watched the amazing evolution of diversity and interdependence that eventually led to each of us being here - beings who are made of stardust. Following in the footsteps of Berry, Swimme, McFague and others, we thought of how life might be different if we saw ourselves as interdependent and wondrously diverse - how this might facilitate a true repentance. Our religion-specific creation stories from Genesis have been used to justify the exploitation of creation (using the earth to meet our own needs without considering our interdependent relationship with all creation) and the exploitation of people (women in particular). Choosing to respect our historically specific creation stories while opening our awareness to a larger common creation story might go a long way to shift some entrenched thought patterns in our world.
I new way of thinking - a difficult shift! But perhaps a key that will unlock and free up the "stuckness" we experience as individuals and as a nation/world.
Stardust - interdependence - new possibilities ever emerging as we continue to evolve as part of creation...all of us (dwarf stars, algae, butterflies and people) in it together. What an amazing thought!
Happy Lent!
Kim
Ash Wednesday is about many things - the beginning of Lent (and hence a new beginning), a time to reflect and repent (which means change direction), and a time to remember who we are and where we come from. It is this remembering function that led me to invite those gathered for worship tonight to consider the story of creation
But not one of the stories from Genesis - those are particular creation stories that arise from our Judeo-Christian heritage. Instead, we went back further - around 15 billion years further - to the creation of the universe. Using the narrative from The Universe Story by Thomas Berry and Brian Swimme, we began at the very beginning, that initial unity, and watched the amazing evolution of diversity and interdependence that eventually led to each of us being here - beings who are made of stardust. Following in the footsteps of Berry, Swimme, McFague and others, we thought of how life might be different if we saw ourselves as interdependent and wondrously diverse - how this might facilitate a true repentance. Our religion-specific creation stories from Genesis have been used to justify the exploitation of creation (using the earth to meet our own needs without considering our interdependent relationship with all creation) and the exploitation of people (women in particular). Choosing to respect our historically specific creation stories while opening our awareness to a larger common creation story might go a long way to shift some entrenched thought patterns in our world.
I new way of thinking - a difficult shift! But perhaps a key that will unlock and free up the "stuckness" we experience as individuals and as a nation/world.
Stardust - interdependence - new possibilities ever emerging as we continue to evolve as part of creation...all of us (dwarf stars, algae, butterflies and people) in it together. What an amazing thought!
Happy Lent!
Kim
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
God likes pancakes, I'm sure...
I saw an amazing, beautiful sight tonight - a rare sight not often seen. It made me smile one of those soul smiles and take one of those deep breaths that pulls every bit of tension up from the toes and sends it on its way. And the best part of it was I wasn't expecting to see this, or to be so deeply touched by it. I wasn't in any of the places where I usually have those "ah ha" moments - like out in nature, or in silent meditation.
This time I was overcome with beauty as I stood in the church kitchen quietly leaning against the counter and watching the Junior Youth Group make pancakes for the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper. It was a scene of chaotic beauty as arms and spatulas and batter and pancakes all came together around the griddle. Despite all the chaos that one would expect in such a scene, the act of flipping the pancakes was very serious business. And given the number of people who came back for seconds, thirds and fourths of the pancakes, our youth clearly hit a home run with their creation.
My first few years here the pancake supper was sparsely attended - one year one table was enough to seat those who came. This year the dining room was comfortably full of people and the sound of laughter and conversation. I would visit with folks, and then find time to just appreciate the scene. It was truly a holy moment - just as holy as any moment we've had in the sanctuary.
The youth even seemed to enjoy the clean up afterwards (of course the spray attachment by the dishwasher was part of the attraction...). I left feeling uplifted and sensing that the season of Epiphany was drawing to a close with God revealing one last personal detail:
Clearly God likes pancakes, I'm absolutely sure of it!
For junior high youth, laughter, bowls full of batter and the ever-so-careful flipping of pancakes...for old and young together around the tables laughing and telling stories, and adults in the kitchen to provide assistance and guidance (yet letting the youth have fun)...for all these blessings and more I give my heartfelt thanks. Food lovingly prepared and shared and the water spraying around the dishwasher - sacramental elements shared in an atmosphere of joy.
What a perfect way to end the Season of Epiphany, and prepare to begin Lent.
God surprises me with joy when I least expect it. May you find joyful surprises awaiting you as you continue on the way...
Blessings for the journey,
Kim
This time I was overcome with beauty as I stood in the church kitchen quietly leaning against the counter and watching the Junior Youth Group make pancakes for the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper. It was a scene of chaotic beauty as arms and spatulas and batter and pancakes all came together around the griddle. Despite all the chaos that one would expect in such a scene, the act of flipping the pancakes was very serious business. And given the number of people who came back for seconds, thirds and fourths of the pancakes, our youth clearly hit a home run with their creation.
My first few years here the pancake supper was sparsely attended - one year one table was enough to seat those who came. This year the dining room was comfortably full of people and the sound of laughter and conversation. I would visit with folks, and then find time to just appreciate the scene. It was truly a holy moment - just as holy as any moment we've had in the sanctuary.
The youth even seemed to enjoy the clean up afterwards (of course the spray attachment by the dishwasher was part of the attraction...). I left feeling uplifted and sensing that the season of Epiphany was drawing to a close with God revealing one last personal detail:
Clearly God likes pancakes, I'm absolutely sure of it!
For junior high youth, laughter, bowls full of batter and the ever-so-careful flipping of pancakes...for old and young together around the tables laughing and telling stories, and adults in the kitchen to provide assistance and guidance (yet letting the youth have fun)...for all these blessings and more I give my heartfelt thanks. Food lovingly prepared and shared and the water spraying around the dishwasher - sacramental elements shared in an atmosphere of joy.
What a perfect way to end the Season of Epiphany, and prepare to begin Lent.
God surprises me with joy when I least expect it. May you find joyful surprises awaiting you as you continue on the way...
Blessings for the journey,
Kim
Monday, February 20, 2012
Chrysalis Time
I have always loved the seasons of the church year, and have found them to be a way to provide just enough structure and focus to my spiritual life to prevent aimless drifting (a constant danger). I usually anticipate and prepare for Advent and Lent with great enthusiasm...
...with this past Advent being a great exception to the rule.
Due to a combination of factors (some of which were not beyond my control) I arrived at last November exhausted and very crispy around the edges (cute words for burned out). The thought of preparing for Advent felt like "one more thing" - and I didn't want anything that looked or sounded like "one more thing." I didn't engage in the work that prepares my home, mind and heart to enter into a season of waiting, anticipation, and opening to God. Simple rituals that I've lovingly kept since I was a teenager seemed like too much bother...and were not done. Before I knew it, a virtually meaningless Advent led into an equally joyless Christmas - and then it was gone.
I hope to never make that mistake again. And so I have been gently and quietly preparing for Lent. I've selected my devotional readings, made a few changes to my prayer space in anticipation of a new season, and made some choices of what I will and won't do during the forty day journey. The most important choice I've made is to be present and aware for each of Lent's forty days, and to be open to going deeper into God's transformative presence.
How will you keep this Lent? Will Easter morning be a time to celebrate the new life that has been growing throughout the Lenten Journey? Will you emerge as a butterfly from the chrysalis - or will it be just another day?
God brings the grace and transformation - but whether or not we show up for the experience is totally our choice. May we choose life!
With love (and plans to show up)
Kim
...with this past Advent being a great exception to the rule.
Due to a combination of factors (some of which were not beyond my control) I arrived at last November exhausted and very crispy around the edges (cute words for burned out). The thought of preparing for Advent felt like "one more thing" - and I didn't want anything that looked or sounded like "one more thing." I didn't engage in the work that prepares my home, mind and heart to enter into a season of waiting, anticipation, and opening to God. Simple rituals that I've lovingly kept since I was a teenager seemed like too much bother...and were not done. Before I knew it, a virtually meaningless Advent led into an equally joyless Christmas - and then it was gone.
I hope to never make that mistake again. And so I have been gently and quietly preparing for Lent. I've selected my devotional readings, made a few changes to my prayer space in anticipation of a new season, and made some choices of what I will and won't do during the forty day journey. The most important choice I've made is to be present and aware for each of Lent's forty days, and to be open to going deeper into God's transformative presence.
How will you keep this Lent? Will Easter morning be a time to celebrate the new life that has been growing throughout the Lenten Journey? Will you emerge as a butterfly from the chrysalis - or will it be just another day?
God brings the grace and transformation - but whether or not we show up for the experience is totally our choice. May we choose life!
With love (and plans to show up)
Kim
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Liminal Football
I know very little about football, but I do know wisdom and a good sermon when I hear it, and Dr. Keith Anderson brought both to Boise First today. A former Boise State Bronco and current educator on racism, Dr. Anderson accepted my invitation to join me today for a conversation about Black History Month and ways the church can address racism. He gave us all that, and more.
I asked him the same three questions I asked Cherie Buckner-Webb and Cedric Minter in previous weeks. They also gave excellent answers by challenging us to consider how we could use our privilege to make a difference (Cherie) and how shaping attitudes about racism begins in the home (Cedric). But Keith took the question in a different direction - he took us to the football field.
When asked what the church could do to address the question of racism in our community, he told us that the church was like a football team that was on the field; it hears the plays called by the coaches up in the box, but then sits back and admires the beauty of the plays being called from "on high" - without ever executing them. He reminded us that it wasn't enough to hear the plays called and admire them - we had to execute them. We know what needs to be done, and now we have to do it, and execute the plays like a team.
There are things you are free to say when you are visiting a church that the home pastor struggles to say (they need to be said by an outside voice). Today Keith spoke some very important truth that was important for Boise First to hear. I often refer to myself as the coach instead of pastor, as I struggle to find ways to motivate the church to function as a team, instead of a collection of talented and highly independent individuals. His words today were a gift to the church, and to me.
God spoke loud and clear today through the voice of a guest, who I hope will become a friend. How perfect that on Transfiguration Sunday, when I started talking about those "thin, liminal spaces" where God breaks through unexpectedly, we should have the experience of God doing just that - breaking through unexpectedly. It made it a joy to sing the closing hymn "I've Got A Feeling Every Thing's Gonna Be Alright." And I do - for surely God is in the midst of it all!
Are you part of something larger than yourself - are you part of a team that is working together to bring God's love, compassion, mercy, peace and justice into the world? Are you paying attention and listening for the unexpected ways God may choose to speak in your life? It is so worth staying open to those thin places...that liminal space...that Holy Ground where we encounter God unexpectedly!
With gratitude,
Kim
I asked him the same three questions I asked Cherie Buckner-Webb and Cedric Minter in previous weeks. They also gave excellent answers by challenging us to consider how we could use our privilege to make a difference (Cherie) and how shaping attitudes about racism begins in the home (Cedric). But Keith took the question in a different direction - he took us to the football field.
When asked what the church could do to address the question of racism in our community, he told us that the church was like a football team that was on the field; it hears the plays called by the coaches up in the box, but then sits back and admires the beauty of the plays being called from "on high" - without ever executing them. He reminded us that it wasn't enough to hear the plays called and admire them - we had to execute them. We know what needs to be done, and now we have to do it, and execute the plays like a team.
There are things you are free to say when you are visiting a church that the home pastor struggles to say (they need to be said by an outside voice). Today Keith spoke some very important truth that was important for Boise First to hear. I often refer to myself as the coach instead of pastor, as I struggle to find ways to motivate the church to function as a team, instead of a collection of talented and highly independent individuals. His words today were a gift to the church, and to me.
God spoke loud and clear today through the voice of a guest, who I hope will become a friend. How perfect that on Transfiguration Sunday, when I started talking about those "thin, liminal spaces" where God breaks through unexpectedly, we should have the experience of God doing just that - breaking through unexpectedly. It made it a joy to sing the closing hymn "I've Got A Feeling Every Thing's Gonna Be Alright." And I do - for surely God is in the midst of it all!
Are you part of something larger than yourself - are you part of a team that is working together to bring God's love, compassion, mercy, peace and justice into the world? Are you paying attention and listening for the unexpected ways God may choose to speak in your life? It is so worth staying open to those thin places...that liminal space...that Holy Ground where we encounter God unexpectedly!
With gratitude,
Kim
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Deep Peace
They say it may snow on Saturday - a return of winter after the almost 50 degree days of late. Of course, it wasn't supposed to snow on Wednesday, and I walked outside into the surprise of a world glistening with ice and a dusting of snow.
The lightest coating of ice on the trees made them glisten in the sunlight that filtered through the clouds. It was beautiful to behold, and maybe more beauty awaits us on Saturday.
But to be honest, there is beauty every day. I sit outside for five minutes and it finds me, no matter where I am. This must be a migration time for birds, because I'm seeing winged friends I've never met before. The Lilies of the Valley in the front garden are starting to poke up through the ground. I almost missed much of the beauty around me today because I was busy thinking of other things. What a relief that God was able to distract me from my lesser concerns so I could drink in a greater beauty.
I end this work week thankful for life's many blessings, saddened about the pain and conflict that continues to erupt in our world, and ready for another try at keeping the Sabbath. May the next day or two bring about some deep peace and re-connection with the One who woke the pips in the front garden and invited them back to life. May you make time to see the beauty all around you, and allow it to refresh your soul.
Prayer - from Earth Gospel, by Sam Hamilton-Poore
Grant me grace this day
to rest and remember
that there is nothing I have to do,
nothing I have to buy or sell,
nothing I have to produce or consume
in order to become who I already am:
your beloved creation.
May your overworked creation
and those who cannot rest today
come to know the liberation of your sabbath.
*****
I will write again on Sunday. Until then -
Deep peace to you,
Kim
The lightest coating of ice on the trees made them glisten in the sunlight that filtered through the clouds. It was beautiful to behold, and maybe more beauty awaits us on Saturday.
But to be honest, there is beauty every day. I sit outside for five minutes and it finds me, no matter where I am. This must be a migration time for birds, because I'm seeing winged friends I've never met before. The Lilies of the Valley in the front garden are starting to poke up through the ground. I almost missed much of the beauty around me today because I was busy thinking of other things. What a relief that God was able to distract me from my lesser concerns so I could drink in a greater beauty.
I end this work week thankful for life's many blessings, saddened about the pain and conflict that continues to erupt in our world, and ready for another try at keeping the Sabbath. May the next day or two bring about some deep peace and re-connection with the One who woke the pips in the front garden and invited them back to life. May you make time to see the beauty all around you, and allow it to refresh your soul.
Prayer - from Earth Gospel, by Sam Hamilton-Poore
Grant me grace this day
to rest and remember
that there is nothing I have to do,
nothing I have to buy or sell,
nothing I have to produce or consume
in order to become who I already am:
your beloved creation.
May your overworked creation
and those who cannot rest today
come to know the liberation of your sabbath.
*****
I will write again on Sunday. Until then -
Deep peace to you,
Kim
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Heart Spring on the Horizon
I look at my calendar multiple times every day, and yet I was surprised to see that Ash Wednesday is next week...which means Lent begins next week.
Lent - next week - how did that happen? Wasn't it just Christmas? In truth, it feels like yesterday was Thanksgiving! How quickly time passes...
Lent is a season I prepare for, lest I miss the rich blessings this season brings. I try to quiet my calendar a bit during Lent (which I also try to do during Advent). I endeavor to spend a bit more time doing those things that help me to be more aware of God's presence - prayer, reading, silence, time in nature, and time caring for others. Getting the mix just right is always a challenge, but doing a little more of what opens my heart to God and doing a little less of the things that close my heart is a good place to start.
I've selected four books to help me through the Lenten Journey (others may be added along the way, but this is where I will start): Bread and Wine - Readings for Lent and Easter, published by Orbis Books, will be one of my daily devotionals. The breadth of the selection of readings included in this devotional is remarkable, including works by Saint Augustine and Oscar Wilde; Barbara Brown Taylor and Mother Theresa. It looks like it will challenge me each day. The second devotional I've selected is Show Me The Way - Daily Lenten Readings by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I am a great fan of Nouwen's works, and find that they help me to travel more deeply into my relationship with God. I've chosen Nouwen's classic Life of the Beloved as my third book for Lent, along with Gerald May's The Awakened Heart. These books should help me to keep a whole and holy Lent, and prepare my heart for spring.
From what will I fast? I smile as the first word that crosses my mind is "meetings," but that is a bit like being a child deciding to fast from eating broccoli. I haven't decided yet what I will give up during Lent, nor have I decided what I will take on as a new positive discipline. I will think about this over the weekend, and ask God to show me what might be helpful to my growth. I can think of some safe choices, and I confess that there is part of me that would rather pick one of my safe options instead of inviting God into the conversation, lest God make a suggestion that would take me in a direction I can't control.
But then I remember what those times were like when I did invite God into the discussion...and things did go in an unexpected direction...and my life was richer for it. There really is nothing to fear.
How do you plan to keep Lent this year? Six weeks to focus on growing closer to God, growing into being your best and truest self, and growing into a greater capacity for service. What a gift! Let's not waste this amazing gift, but instead let's make the most of this preparation for new life. The spring of the heart is just a little more than six weeks away!
Blessings,
Kim
Lent - next week - how did that happen? Wasn't it just Christmas? In truth, it feels like yesterday was Thanksgiving! How quickly time passes...
Lent is a season I prepare for, lest I miss the rich blessings this season brings. I try to quiet my calendar a bit during Lent (which I also try to do during Advent). I endeavor to spend a bit more time doing those things that help me to be more aware of God's presence - prayer, reading, silence, time in nature, and time caring for others. Getting the mix just right is always a challenge, but doing a little more of what opens my heart to God and doing a little less of the things that close my heart is a good place to start.
I've selected four books to help me through the Lenten Journey (others may be added along the way, but this is where I will start): Bread and Wine - Readings for Lent and Easter, published by Orbis Books, will be one of my daily devotionals. The breadth of the selection of readings included in this devotional is remarkable, including works by Saint Augustine and Oscar Wilde; Barbara Brown Taylor and Mother Theresa. It looks like it will challenge me each day. The second devotional I've selected is Show Me The Way - Daily Lenten Readings by Henri J. M. Nouwen. I am a great fan of Nouwen's works, and find that they help me to travel more deeply into my relationship with God. I've chosen Nouwen's classic Life of the Beloved as my third book for Lent, along with Gerald May's The Awakened Heart. These books should help me to keep a whole and holy Lent, and prepare my heart for spring.
From what will I fast? I smile as the first word that crosses my mind is "meetings," but that is a bit like being a child deciding to fast from eating broccoli. I haven't decided yet what I will give up during Lent, nor have I decided what I will take on as a new positive discipline. I will think about this over the weekend, and ask God to show me what might be helpful to my growth. I can think of some safe choices, and I confess that there is part of me that would rather pick one of my safe options instead of inviting God into the conversation, lest God make a suggestion that would take me in a direction I can't control.
But then I remember what those times were like when I did invite God into the discussion...and things did go in an unexpected direction...and my life was richer for it. There really is nothing to fear.
How do you plan to keep Lent this year? Six weeks to focus on growing closer to God, growing into being your best and truest self, and growing into a greater capacity for service. What a gift! Let's not waste this amazing gift, but instead let's make the most of this preparation for new life. The spring of the heart is just a little more than six weeks away!
Blessings,
Kim
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
"God's Will For Dummies" Not Needed
When something happens once, I notice. When it happens twice, I pay attention. The third time it happens, my attention is well and truly focused. In the past 48 hrs a theme has been emerging through conversations and emails, that at first seemed to simply be the concern of the people with whom I was conversing. But now the question has taken on a life of its own in my own heart. I wonder if you've even found yourself with this fundamental question: How do I know if what I am doing is God's will - or is my highest and truest good (depending on your theology)? How do I know...
The process of discernment - knowing who I am and who God is, and how God's Spirit moves and is at work in all life - is a life long journey. There are books that teach techniques for discerning God's will - or one's highest and truest good (which, I happen to think, are one and the same). But I find myself less interested in the "how to" books and more interested in the journey itself.
Leaning into the question and paying attention to the experiences associated with it are better data than one will ever find in a "God's Will for Dummies" book. Noticing how one's heart responds to a variety of situations (is it with joy or dread - does it bring a sense of consolation or desolation) in an important noticing.
When I notice that some situation (related to an area of discerning in my life) brings a sense of dread and desolation, I can then sit with that and notice the flavor and texture of the experience. Sitting with it (instead of running from it) helps to reveal whether the feelings are related to baggage that I'm carrying from the past (and sometimes I feel like a professional pack mule), or if my heart is letting me know that this particular environment does not support my values and highest and truest self. That information gives me space to reflect and make choices.
Space - choices - this is the opposite of reacting. Reacting brings a lack of freedom - choice is freedom. Discernment brings true choice - I can choose what is consistent with my understanding of God's will - that which brings about my highest and truest self.
All of this would be mere words if I hadn't seen it at work today in my own life. In a moment when I was feeling dread and desolation - and was about to react in an autopilot way that was the opposite of freedom - I somehow (God's grace?) found the strength to stop. I sat with the feelings (very uncomfortable) and was able to sink beneath the upper layer of "stuff" to what was beneath. Once I understood what was involved (in this case, a mixture of 25% baggage and 75% environment unsupportive of my highest and truest self) I could then make choices - good choices, in fact.
I made choices - no autopilot. In that moment, I was truly free. God and I "happy danced" in my heart. Change is possible.
I share this as a word of hope, because no one that I know has duty and auto pilot perfected to the level that I do - it is one of my noblest self destructive qualities. With awareness, this response is ever-so-slowly slipping away. And if I can evolve, dear friend, so can you.
I invite you to pay attention in those situations where you feel great joy or dread; consolation or desolation. Don't run from this great teacher; instead, settle into the lesson, and learn about who you are, and what choices will best allow you to be you. Then choose and savor the freedom that comes with making choices consistent with one's true self. Yes, at first it can feel uncomfortable, and if the choice is a departure from your usual behavior, you may even feel a bit guilty. But those feelings do give way to a deep sense of peace that comes with the freedom of being in sync with the Spirit - the freedom of being truly yourself.
Why not give it a try...
With love,
Kim
The process of discernment - knowing who I am and who God is, and how God's Spirit moves and is at work in all life - is a life long journey. There are books that teach techniques for discerning God's will - or one's highest and truest good (which, I happen to think, are one and the same). But I find myself less interested in the "how to" books and more interested in the journey itself.
Leaning into the question and paying attention to the experiences associated with it are better data than one will ever find in a "God's Will for Dummies" book. Noticing how one's heart responds to a variety of situations (is it with joy or dread - does it bring a sense of consolation or desolation) in an important noticing.
When I notice that some situation (related to an area of discerning in my life) brings a sense of dread and desolation, I can then sit with that and notice the flavor and texture of the experience. Sitting with it (instead of running from it) helps to reveal whether the feelings are related to baggage that I'm carrying from the past (and sometimes I feel like a professional pack mule), or if my heart is letting me know that this particular environment does not support my values and highest and truest self. That information gives me space to reflect and make choices.
Space - choices - this is the opposite of reacting. Reacting brings a lack of freedom - choice is freedom. Discernment brings true choice - I can choose what is consistent with my understanding of God's will - that which brings about my highest and truest self.
All of this would be mere words if I hadn't seen it at work today in my own life. In a moment when I was feeling dread and desolation - and was about to react in an autopilot way that was the opposite of freedom - I somehow (God's grace?) found the strength to stop. I sat with the feelings (very uncomfortable) and was able to sink beneath the upper layer of "stuff" to what was beneath. Once I understood what was involved (in this case, a mixture of 25% baggage and 75% environment unsupportive of my highest and truest self) I could then make choices - good choices, in fact.
I made choices - no autopilot. In that moment, I was truly free. God and I "happy danced" in my heart. Change is possible.
I share this as a word of hope, because no one that I know has duty and auto pilot perfected to the level that I do - it is one of my noblest self destructive qualities. With awareness, this response is ever-so-slowly slipping away. And if I can evolve, dear friend, so can you.
I invite you to pay attention in those situations where you feel great joy or dread; consolation or desolation. Don't run from this great teacher; instead, settle into the lesson, and learn about who you are, and what choices will best allow you to be you. Then choose and savor the freedom that comes with making choices consistent with one's true self. Yes, at first it can feel uncomfortable, and if the choice is a departure from your usual behavior, you may even feel a bit guilty. But those feelings do give way to a deep sense of peace that comes with the freedom of being in sync with the Spirit - the freedom of being truly yourself.
Why not give it a try...
With love,
Kim
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Monday after the Sunday after nothing happens - again
I come with a brief post tonight, because circumstances are such that it is time for me to write something for the Idaho Statesman. I do not write often - one's voice can be easily ignored if frequently heard. But as a Pastor, and a human being, I cannot let the events of this past week go without comment.
In Idaho, those who identify themselves as LGBT have no protection against discrimination in employment or housing - or a host of other categories. Year after year the Idaho Legislature refuses to even give the matter a hearing. Period. And the Sunday after nothing happens (again), I get to watch members of my congregation come to church with hopes dashed and no closer to having basic civil rights protection than they were the year before. During worship we stand in silent reflection to acknowledge the pain and injustice, and I stand there, listening to quiet sobs as the pain overflows into the safety of the sanctuary. My heart breaks for my congregation, and I feel angry that they are once again denied protection under the law. I can't even begin to imagine what God feels...
If my invitation to the Legislature is published, it will be in the Idaho Statesman sometime this week.
I leave you with a poem by Ranier Maria Rilke that was very important to me during my recent course at SFTS. May it touch your heart, and invite you into a place of hope and courage.
I Believe in All That Has Never Yet Been Spoken - by Ranier Maria Rilke
I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing to you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.
*****
With love, sorrow, and hope,
Kim
In Idaho, those who identify themselves as LGBT have no protection against discrimination in employment or housing - or a host of other categories. Year after year the Idaho Legislature refuses to even give the matter a hearing. Period. And the Sunday after nothing happens (again), I get to watch members of my congregation come to church with hopes dashed and no closer to having basic civil rights protection than they were the year before. During worship we stand in silent reflection to acknowledge the pain and injustice, and I stand there, listening to quiet sobs as the pain overflows into the safety of the sanctuary. My heart breaks for my congregation, and I feel angry that they are once again denied protection under the law. I can't even begin to imagine what God feels...
If my invitation to the Legislature is published, it will be in the Idaho Statesman sometime this week.
I leave you with a poem by Ranier Maria Rilke that was very important to me during my recent course at SFTS. May it touch your heart, and invite you into a place of hope and courage.
I Believe in All That Has Never Yet Been Spoken - by Ranier Maria Rilke
I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.
If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing to you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.
*****
With love, sorrow, and hope,
Kim
Sunday, February 12, 2012
God as ...?
Today at Boise First we talked about alternative models for God, specifically Sallie McFague's model of the universe/creation as the Body of God, and how embracing that model might alter our relationship with all creation in a positive way. Preparing for this sermon took me back to the many models of God I have encountered and used over my lifetime. God as Father, God as Creator, God as Judge, God as King/Monarch/Lord and God as Shepherd were models that were fresh to me as a child and young person. My role in relation to these ideals of God was to be a child, a creature, a guilty sinner, a servant, and a sheep. Although there are positive things that can come from these roles, I didn't experience them as very helpful or liberating.
It wasn't until I was older and in Seminary that I encountered other models of God, mostly through the writings of Sallie McFague and the Rhineland mystics of the late medieval period - God as Mother, God as Lover, God as Partner, God as Friend. These models of God invited me into a more adult relationship with God, which was both frightening and liberating. God as Friend became for me the most consistently sustaining model of God, and one that is once again operating powerfully in my life.
But the situation is far from static - any number of factors can cause me to be drawn to one model of God over another. There are times when I feel incapable of wise thought and simply want to be led like a sheep; other times when I would love to crawl into the arms of a parental God who can make things better with a hug and kiss. One mistake and I find myself fearful of the Judging God I was taught in my childhood - how quickly that models returns!
But when I am feeling grounded and centered, the model of God as Friend and Partner resonates most clearly in my heart. I'm exploring our relationship as friends and partners again - the experience is as fresh as if I had never heard of this before.
No matter what name or model I use to describe my relationship with God (or God's relationship with me), it is but a small glimpse into the mystery that is God - a mystery that cannot begin to be explained fully by any model we create!
What names do you have for God, and what is that relationship like? Does the relationship stay the same, or change due to circumstances? Does the model you have for God help you to be free to be your best and truest self? If not, what model might you consider that would invite you into deeper growth and integrity?
On an unrelated note - my second attempt at keeping the Sabbath was, again, a mixed experience. But I am committed to seeing this through - I will keep showing up, and see how this unfolds.
May you have a blessed week,
Kim
It wasn't until I was older and in Seminary that I encountered other models of God, mostly through the writings of Sallie McFague and the Rhineland mystics of the late medieval period - God as Mother, God as Lover, God as Partner, God as Friend. These models of God invited me into a more adult relationship with God, which was both frightening and liberating. God as Friend became for me the most consistently sustaining model of God, and one that is once again operating powerfully in my life.
But the situation is far from static - any number of factors can cause me to be drawn to one model of God over another. There are times when I feel incapable of wise thought and simply want to be led like a sheep; other times when I would love to crawl into the arms of a parental God who can make things better with a hug and kiss. One mistake and I find myself fearful of the Judging God I was taught in my childhood - how quickly that models returns!
But when I am feeling grounded and centered, the model of God as Friend and Partner resonates most clearly in my heart. I'm exploring our relationship as friends and partners again - the experience is as fresh as if I had never heard of this before.
No matter what name or model I use to describe my relationship with God (or God's relationship with me), it is but a small glimpse into the mystery that is God - a mystery that cannot begin to be explained fully by any model we create!
What names do you have for God, and what is that relationship like? Does the relationship stay the same, or change due to circumstances? Does the model you have for God help you to be free to be your best and truest self? If not, what model might you consider that would invite you into deeper growth and integrity?
On an unrelated note - my second attempt at keeping the Sabbath was, again, a mixed experience. But I am committed to seeing this through - I will keep showing up, and see how this unfolds.
May you have a blessed week,
Kim
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Invasion of Grace
They were so high up in the trees that I couldn't see what kind of birds they were, but did they ever make a racket! I'm thinking red-winged black birds, but can't be sure. A whole flock of them settled in the high trees around the church this afternoon. They carried on with all manner of sound high up in the trees, while the robins sang in the lower branches. I had to stop walking to my car and just sit and listen. It was amazing - grace. An invasion of grace!
And then they were gone. All of a sudden they flew off, and I was left with the melodic robin song. And a memory of grace.
For a moment at the rehab pool today it was still - silent - calm (very unusual). There was only one other person in the pool, and she was far away quietly working on her rehab exercises. I was in the deep end, finishing up my cardio, soaking in the stillness, and loving the peace and quiet. And then it was gone! Suddenly the pool was full of folks who were exercising and visiting (having a news, as they say in Scotland). There was laughter, and shouting (may folks do not wear their hearing aids in the pool for obvious reasons, which raises the decibel level considerably), with multiple conversations going on all at once.
Being fond of quiet and stillness, the invasion of noise was not a welcome change for me. But instead of getting irritated (default reaction), I let myself appreciate the laughter and the connection that was obviously so important for many of the people at the pool.
As I was finishing up and getting ready to head to the peace and quiet of the locker room, the woman who had been in the far end of the pool during the quiet time made her way into the deep end where I was stretching. She commented on how loud it had become, and I nodded. Then she shared how much she liked the noise, and told me about being home alone all day, and having no one to talk to except her dog. Coming for her exercise and having the chance to talk with others was the highlight of her day!
Although I prefer the quiet, the alternative was truly an invasion of grace for many who were there today...and a good reminder to me that what irritates me may indeed be a blessing for another...so perhaps it makes sense for me to look for the blessing before I condemn the experience.
A good lesson to remember...
Tomorrow is my second attempt at keeping the Sabbath. I'll write again after the weekend and let you know how it went. In the meantime, I invite you to join me in looking for grace in the situations we encounter - especially the annoying ones. It surprised me how much I enjoyed seeing others benefit from all that noise, laughter and conversation - even though it is not my "cup of tea." They received grace by the interaction; I received grace by their joy.
God is good. Take care,
Kim
And then they were gone. All of a sudden they flew off, and I was left with the melodic robin song. And a memory of grace.
For a moment at the rehab pool today it was still - silent - calm (very unusual). There was only one other person in the pool, and she was far away quietly working on her rehab exercises. I was in the deep end, finishing up my cardio, soaking in the stillness, and loving the peace and quiet. And then it was gone! Suddenly the pool was full of folks who were exercising and visiting (having a news, as they say in Scotland). There was laughter, and shouting (may folks do not wear their hearing aids in the pool for obvious reasons, which raises the decibel level considerably), with multiple conversations going on all at once.
Being fond of quiet and stillness, the invasion of noise was not a welcome change for me. But instead of getting irritated (default reaction), I let myself appreciate the laughter and the connection that was obviously so important for many of the people at the pool.
As I was finishing up and getting ready to head to the peace and quiet of the locker room, the woman who had been in the far end of the pool during the quiet time made her way into the deep end where I was stretching. She commented on how loud it had become, and I nodded. Then she shared how much she liked the noise, and told me about being home alone all day, and having no one to talk to except her dog. Coming for her exercise and having the chance to talk with others was the highlight of her day!
Although I prefer the quiet, the alternative was truly an invasion of grace for many who were there today...and a good reminder to me that what irritates me may indeed be a blessing for another...so perhaps it makes sense for me to look for the blessing before I condemn the experience.
A good lesson to remember...
Tomorrow is my second attempt at keeping the Sabbath. I'll write again after the weekend and let you know how it went. In the meantime, I invite you to join me in looking for grace in the situations we encounter - especially the annoying ones. It surprised me how much I enjoyed seeing others benefit from all that noise, laughter and conversation - even though it is not my "cup of tea." They received grace by the interaction; I received grace by their joy.
God is good. Take care,
Kim
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Heart song
I took a deep breath and sighed as I watched the moon tonight. It had been a long day, and it was so nice to find my old friend waiting for me as I got out of my car and looked east towards the mountains. It was right where it should be...and a comfort to know it is there. There is great beauty in predictability, and equal beauty in surprise. Today contained enough surprises that I wrap the predictable around me like a warm blanket and offer thanks for the comfort.
Lately I've been taking comfort in a rather new experience that has brought surprising joy into my life. Back at SFTS we had Chapel morning and evening, and our music focused on Taize-like prayer chants (many written by Stephen Iverson) that were hauntingly simple. The practice was to repeat a chant several times, and each time we would sink deeper into the words and their meaning. Within a matter of days some of the prayer chants were deeply embedded in my psyche and soul - they played in my heart at the most interesting of times. This was a much better experience than having a 60's song or advert stuck in my head and playing at full volume!
I wondered - what would happen if I intentionally brought certain chants into my day and allowed them to be the scaffolding for my prayer? I began by intentionally focusing on certain chants at specific times of the day. The results have been better than expected, and often very helpful.
Waking up in the morning my heart sings: "Look this new day is dawning for us. Such a bright welcome to life for us. Gratitude fills my heart. This moment I spend with my God (Iverson)." Or instead I might hear: "A sound arises out of the earth. A singing, a welcome, a joyfulness (Iverson)."
As I get close to the the church I hear: "May every word that I speak, to everyone that I meet, be filled with tenderness." If I'm heading into a stressful or conflicted situation, I hear: "Right before me, Jesus, right behind me, Jesus. All around loving grace, all around there is God (Iverson)."
When there is something that I'm struggling to understand, I will often hear: "Your way, your time, your will/not mine, sweet light, not mine (Iverson)." As this sings in my heart, I find myself relaxing and letting go of my need to know and control.
At night when my mind is racing with a million concerns and I'm unable to shut it off, I pray: "Peace, be still. Peace, be still. The storm rages. Peace, be still." I may sing that simple prayer chant in my heart a hundred times before my mind finally quiets down, but it is eventually still.
Standing outside my heart sings: "Surely God is in this place - Holy Ground (Dreitcer/Iverson)."
Having these prayer chants available in my heart allows me to pray spontaneously, and sometimes without thinking - it comes from a deep soul level just below conscious thought. In a moment of emotional pain today I suddenly became aware of this prayer song being sung deep within my heart: "Lord God heal me. Heal me O my Lord, that I might fulfill all your plans for me (Iverson)." My heart was praying this prayer before my brain had even engaged the thought.
Heart song - heart prayer. It is a great gift to listen to one's heart pray.
What song is in your heart right now? When you are still, what song does it sing? Is it a song that helps you to be your best and truest self - does the song lead you to God and a greater experience of love? If not, perhaps it is time to teach your heart a new song.
Listening to a song of love,
Kim
Lately I've been taking comfort in a rather new experience that has brought surprising joy into my life. Back at SFTS we had Chapel morning and evening, and our music focused on Taize-like prayer chants (many written by Stephen Iverson) that were hauntingly simple. The practice was to repeat a chant several times, and each time we would sink deeper into the words and their meaning. Within a matter of days some of the prayer chants were deeply embedded in my psyche and soul - they played in my heart at the most interesting of times. This was a much better experience than having a 60's song or advert stuck in my head and playing at full volume!
I wondered - what would happen if I intentionally brought certain chants into my day and allowed them to be the scaffolding for my prayer? I began by intentionally focusing on certain chants at specific times of the day. The results have been better than expected, and often very helpful.
Waking up in the morning my heart sings: "Look this new day is dawning for us. Such a bright welcome to life for us. Gratitude fills my heart. This moment I spend with my God (Iverson)." Or instead I might hear: "A sound arises out of the earth. A singing, a welcome, a joyfulness (Iverson)."
As I get close to the the church I hear: "May every word that I speak, to everyone that I meet, be filled with tenderness." If I'm heading into a stressful or conflicted situation, I hear: "Right before me, Jesus, right behind me, Jesus. All around loving grace, all around there is God (Iverson)."
When there is something that I'm struggling to understand, I will often hear: "Your way, your time, your will/not mine, sweet light, not mine (Iverson)." As this sings in my heart, I find myself relaxing and letting go of my need to know and control.
At night when my mind is racing with a million concerns and I'm unable to shut it off, I pray: "Peace, be still. Peace, be still. The storm rages. Peace, be still." I may sing that simple prayer chant in my heart a hundred times before my mind finally quiets down, but it is eventually still.
Standing outside my heart sings: "Surely God is in this place - Holy Ground (Dreitcer/Iverson)."
Having these prayer chants available in my heart allows me to pray spontaneously, and sometimes without thinking - it comes from a deep soul level just below conscious thought. In a moment of emotional pain today I suddenly became aware of this prayer song being sung deep within my heart: "Lord God heal me. Heal me O my Lord, that I might fulfill all your plans for me (Iverson)." My heart was praying this prayer before my brain had even engaged the thought.
Heart song - heart prayer. It is a great gift to listen to one's heart pray.
What song is in your heart right now? When you are still, what song does it sing? Is it a song that helps you to be your best and truest self - does the song lead you to God and a greater experience of love? If not, perhaps it is time to teach your heart a new song.
Listening to a song of love,
Kim
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Moon as Flotation Device
It was the most spectacular full moon I've seen in a long time, and if I hadn't been driving to the Elks Rehab Hospital before 7 am, I would have missed it. I completely forgot my aching joints as I pulled over to the side of the road and watched the moon slip closer and closer to the horizon. It had a beautiful aura, and the clear sky still dotted with stars was a sight to see. I took a deep breath and offered thanks for the pre-dawn beauty. Then I was on my way, with a smile in my heart.
The best part of the gift of the moon was that it was totally unexpected - I assure you that as I dragged my sorry self out of bed this morning, the last thing on my mind was enjoying the beauty of God's created world. In fact, I would be embarrassed to report what I was thinking as I coaxed my joints into motion so I could get to the pool before the sun came up. But there it was - the most beautiful moon ever, just pleading to be enjoyed. And my whole day shifted into a much better space for having spent time savoring it.
I carried the moon around with me today as a moved between the tedious and the sublime - with, I'm afraid, the tedious winning the award for quantity. And in those moments when I was ready to slip under the waters of frustration and despair, I held onto the moon, and it keep me afloat and breathing deeply in the fresh air of grace.
What brought you joy today - what or who was a lifeline when the "stuff" of the day started to pile on top of you and push you under? How did you experience God reaching out to you and holding you up? For me, it was the beauty of God's creation, and in the wisdom and laughter of a friend who could laugh with me as I told the story of how hard it is for me to pronounce the word "no." What was your experience of God's grace today? And how did you bring God's grace to someone else?
Prayer - by Kathy Galloway, the Iona Community (from Earth Gospel, by Sam Hamilton-Poore)
The sky does it simply, naturally
day by day by day.
The sun does it joyfully,
like someone in love,
like a runner on the starting-line.
The sky, the sun,
they just can't help themselves.
No loud voices, no grand speeches,
but everyone sees, and is happy with them.
Make us like that, Lord,
so that our faith is not in our words but in our lives,
not in what we say but in who we are,
passing on your love like an infectious laugh:
not worried, not threatening, just shining
like the sun, like a starry night,
like a lamp on a stand,
light for life -
your light for our lives.
With love and prayers,
Kim
The best part of the gift of the moon was that it was totally unexpected - I assure you that as I dragged my sorry self out of bed this morning, the last thing on my mind was enjoying the beauty of God's created world. In fact, I would be embarrassed to report what I was thinking as I coaxed my joints into motion so I could get to the pool before the sun came up. But there it was - the most beautiful moon ever, just pleading to be enjoyed. And my whole day shifted into a much better space for having spent time savoring it.
I carried the moon around with me today as a moved between the tedious and the sublime - with, I'm afraid, the tedious winning the award for quantity. And in those moments when I was ready to slip under the waters of frustration and despair, I held onto the moon, and it keep me afloat and breathing deeply in the fresh air of grace.
What brought you joy today - what or who was a lifeline when the "stuff" of the day started to pile on top of you and push you under? How did you experience God reaching out to you and holding you up? For me, it was the beauty of God's creation, and in the wisdom and laughter of a friend who could laugh with me as I told the story of how hard it is for me to pronounce the word "no." What was your experience of God's grace today? And how did you bring God's grace to someone else?
Prayer - by Kathy Galloway, the Iona Community (from Earth Gospel, by Sam Hamilton-Poore)
The sky does it simply, naturally
day by day by day.
The sun does it joyfully,
like someone in love,
like a runner on the starting-line.
The sky, the sun,
they just can't help themselves.
No loud voices, no grand speeches,
but everyone sees, and is happy with them.
Make us like that, Lord,
so that our faith is not in our words but in our lives,
not in what we say but in who we are,
passing on your love like an infectious laugh:
not worried, not threatening, just shining
like the sun, like a starry night,
like a lamp on a stand,
light for life -
your light for our lives.
With love and prayers,
Kim
Monday, February 6, 2012
All In
This Sunday is the National Preach-In for Global Warming, sponsored by Interfaith Power and Light (an amazing organization). It is also the continuation of Black History Month and the Boise First Church Anniversary, and the Sunday that our Justice and Witness Ministry group holds the "souper supper" to raise funds for Interfaith Sanctuary Homeless Shelter, and Racial Injustice Sunday on the UCC Calendar.
I like to focus on one thing at a time during worship and give the theme lots of space and attention (my approach of preference). So which way to I go? Link Black History Month and Racial Injustice Sunday and drop Global Warming and the Church Anniversary and the Homeless Shelter? Or since the church was a founding member of the homeless shelter, link the anniversary and the shelter, forget Black History Month for a week and touch on global warming another time? Or be true to my roots and focus on the ongoing season of Epiphany and mention the other themes in passing?
There is only one reasonable option: We do it all. The God who made all people in God's image and cherishes each one of us would want us to celebrate the past and present experience of African Americans, while addressing the continuing racial injustice in our world. This same God is also deeply concerned over the lack of safe and adequate housing for all people - we cannot ignore this reality because it does not fit conveniently in the calendar. And as for global warming - unless the climate change crisis is immediately addressed, the struggle to find safe and adequate shelter on our planet will become a crisis of unimaginable proportions.
We do it all - which, I think, is probably also the best way to honor the legacy of a church that has spent its life committed to speaking truth to power and advocating for justice. It is also a good place to experience God's Epiphany - for truly God is still present and speaking in all these areas.
This past Sunday during worship I shared a realization that I have found to be quite disturbing and sobering. Each week, in one form or another, we ask God to bring peace with justice into our world, and pray that the resources of our earth be shared with ALL in a sustainable way, so that ALL may have the basic necessities of life, and ALL can live a life of dignity, purpose, and peace. But if we are completely honest, we pray this prayer without believing that God will actually answer it - because if God does answer it, it will mean radical change for all of us! Do we really want that change...are we truly willing to give up some of what we have, so that everyone can have the basis for a better, sustainable life? Speaking truth to power and advocating for justice is important... but taking it to the next level and living it - well, that is where it starts to pinch, and where we experience epiphany.
On Sunday morning we will do it all, because God is in it all.
In preparation for the Preach-In for Global Warming, I've been reading The Body of God by Sallie McFague, who is one of the modern theologians who has most influenced my theology and life. Whether I also have time to read her most recent book A New Climate for Theology remains to be seen (the calendar is pretty full this week). I have been using Sam Hamilton-Poore's book Earth Gospel - a Guide To Prayer for God's Creation during my prayer time, and highly recommend it! We are blessed to have many visionary teachers and guides in our world to help us grapple with these most difficult question, and help us take it to that next level of incarnation and transformation.
I close with a blessing from Sam's book - may it cause you to smile, and also invite you to ponder the wisdom it expresses:
Blessing - by Sam Hamilton-Poore
Within the economy of God's grace
nothing is ever wasted
and no one thrown away.
May you entrust yourself
and God's creation
to the power and peace
of Christ's recycling love.
Blessings,
Kim
I like to focus on one thing at a time during worship and give the theme lots of space and attention (my approach of preference). So which way to I go? Link Black History Month and Racial Injustice Sunday and drop Global Warming and the Church Anniversary and the Homeless Shelter? Or since the church was a founding member of the homeless shelter, link the anniversary and the shelter, forget Black History Month for a week and touch on global warming another time? Or be true to my roots and focus on the ongoing season of Epiphany and mention the other themes in passing?
There is only one reasonable option: We do it all. The God who made all people in God's image and cherishes each one of us would want us to celebrate the past and present experience of African Americans, while addressing the continuing racial injustice in our world. This same God is also deeply concerned over the lack of safe and adequate housing for all people - we cannot ignore this reality because it does not fit conveniently in the calendar. And as for global warming - unless the climate change crisis is immediately addressed, the struggle to find safe and adequate shelter on our planet will become a crisis of unimaginable proportions.
We do it all - which, I think, is probably also the best way to honor the legacy of a church that has spent its life committed to speaking truth to power and advocating for justice. It is also a good place to experience God's Epiphany - for truly God is still present and speaking in all these areas.
This past Sunday during worship I shared a realization that I have found to be quite disturbing and sobering. Each week, in one form or another, we ask God to bring peace with justice into our world, and pray that the resources of our earth be shared with ALL in a sustainable way, so that ALL may have the basic necessities of life, and ALL can live a life of dignity, purpose, and peace. But if we are completely honest, we pray this prayer without believing that God will actually answer it - because if God does answer it, it will mean radical change for all of us! Do we really want that change...are we truly willing to give up some of what we have, so that everyone can have the basis for a better, sustainable life? Speaking truth to power and advocating for justice is important... but taking it to the next level and living it - well, that is where it starts to pinch, and where we experience epiphany.
On Sunday morning we will do it all, because God is in it all.
In preparation for the Preach-In for Global Warming, I've been reading The Body of God by Sallie McFague, who is one of the modern theologians who has most influenced my theology and life. Whether I also have time to read her most recent book A New Climate for Theology remains to be seen (the calendar is pretty full this week). I have been using Sam Hamilton-Poore's book Earth Gospel - a Guide To Prayer for God's Creation during my prayer time, and highly recommend it! We are blessed to have many visionary teachers and guides in our world to help us grapple with these most difficult question, and help us take it to that next level of incarnation and transformation.
I close with a blessing from Sam's book - may it cause you to smile, and also invite you to ponder the wisdom it expresses:
Blessing - by Sam Hamilton-Poore
Within the economy of God's grace
nothing is ever wasted
and no one thrown away.
May you entrust yourself
and God's creation
to the power and peace
of Christ's recycling love.
Blessings,
Kim
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Just do it!
My first attempt at a Sabbath since returning home from SFTS was a mixed experience. I almost broke out in a cold sweat Friday morning as I refrained from turning the computer on to check emails. This was good data to have, but not the nicest of experiences.
Unlike being in the little apartment in San Anselmo, here I am surrounded with a million and one things that need to be done - it isn't quite so easy here to shift gears and rest when all manner of good and necessary things suddenly develop neon flashing signs and vie for my attention. I never thought that the laundry basket could be so obnoxious - never mind the borderline chores/activities that are neither restful nor lead to a greater experience of God, but are not on the list of things I am trying to avoid on the Sabbath (like email).
It was definitely a mixed experience - which means that not only was there a "talking" laundry basket and withdrawal from email, but there was also a rocking chair on the deck that gave me a view of birds perched in nearby trees - they looked like talking Christmas ornaments (sans snow), and a pair of hawks that caught a thermal and soared so high that I lost sight of them in the clouds. I spent some time in the rehab pool letting my joints get some comfort, had lunch at Shangri La with Bill, read a good book, took a nap, and prayed. I didn't get out to worship - one step at a time.
I guess that is the lesson - major change can be approached in different ways. Sometimes it is best to jump in the deep end and change everything all at once. Sometimes you take baby steps and make changes incrementally. I think the idea of the Sabbath will take time, some experimentation, and heaps of self patience.
I did manage to post the "out of the office" on the email - and resisted peeking at the inbox. In fact, I didn't turn the computer on for an entire 24 hours...and the world didn't end (again, good data). So I'll keep trying each week, and see how I can grow into this combination of deep rest and renewal, and greater awareness of God.
Perhaps you are in the process of making a change in your life that will bring greater health, wholeness, and integrity - allowing you to be yourself and have a greater experience of God. Maybe you're thinking of jumping in the deep end, or maybe you're taking it one step at a time. Either way...
Just do it! Keep doing it - keep showing up. This is how change happens, one step at a time. It doesn't matter if the step is a "micro baby step" or a giant leap off a cliff - a step is a step. Take the size step that is right for you, and keep doing it.
Doing it - showing up - even when the results are mixed,
Kim - who will observe Sabbath again next week
Unlike being in the little apartment in San Anselmo, here I am surrounded with a million and one things that need to be done - it isn't quite so easy here to shift gears and rest when all manner of good and necessary things suddenly develop neon flashing signs and vie for my attention. I never thought that the laundry basket could be so obnoxious - never mind the borderline chores/activities that are neither restful nor lead to a greater experience of God, but are not on the list of things I am trying to avoid on the Sabbath (like email).
It was definitely a mixed experience - which means that not only was there a "talking" laundry basket and withdrawal from email, but there was also a rocking chair on the deck that gave me a view of birds perched in nearby trees - they looked like talking Christmas ornaments (sans snow), and a pair of hawks that caught a thermal and soared so high that I lost sight of them in the clouds. I spent some time in the rehab pool letting my joints get some comfort, had lunch at Shangri La with Bill, read a good book, took a nap, and prayed. I didn't get out to worship - one step at a time.
I guess that is the lesson - major change can be approached in different ways. Sometimes it is best to jump in the deep end and change everything all at once. Sometimes you take baby steps and make changes incrementally. I think the idea of the Sabbath will take time, some experimentation, and heaps of self patience.
I did manage to post the "out of the office" on the email - and resisted peeking at the inbox. In fact, I didn't turn the computer on for an entire 24 hours...and the world didn't end (again, good data). So I'll keep trying each week, and see how I can grow into this combination of deep rest and renewal, and greater awareness of God.
Perhaps you are in the process of making a change in your life that will bring greater health, wholeness, and integrity - allowing you to be yourself and have a greater experience of God. Maybe you're thinking of jumping in the deep end, or maybe you're taking it one step at a time. Either way...
Just do it! Keep doing it - keep showing up. This is how change happens, one step at a time. It doesn't matter if the step is a "micro baby step" or a giant leap off a cliff - a step is a step. Take the size step that is right for you, and keep doing it.
Doing it - showing up - even when the results are mixed,
Kim - who will observe Sabbath again next week
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Space and Sabbath
I came home from SFTS with more than a suitcase full of books, a notebook full of notes, a folder full of hand-outs, and a box of note cards. I even came home with more than a plan for distance learning and the manual for said distance learning that is more organized than God! I came home with a list of personal/professional growing edges and plans for how to address them. A major portion of the first three years in this program is self-awareness, God-awareness, and intentional action. Identifying and addressing my growing edges is a key part of this journey.
So...tomorrow I start to work (or perhaps not work) on the first growing edge - keeping a Sabbath. I was surprised to discover that I did not (ever) keep a Sabbath. I work hard on the traditional Christian Sabbath, and when I take a full day off, I work hard on it, too. I am often always busy - busy doing good things, but busy nonetheless. Rarely do I take time to stop, rest, reflect, play, and open myself more deeply to God - which means I rarely, if ever, keep a Sabbath.
But that changes tomorrow. I have committed to keeping at least one day per week as a Sabbath - my day set aside for deep resting, reflecting, playing, and being open to God in an intentional way. I have few ideas of what this will look like (high anxiety for a control freak), but I'm going to just lean into it and see what happens. I will not work on church work tomorrow (not even the ever-present pile of paperwork, nor any tweaking of the sermon). I will do things around the house that I enjoy doing (serious housework can wait for another day). I may cook a bit; I will probably go to the Elks pool for some pain relief, and I may find some place to worship (which will probably mean a RC daily mass someplace, or a trip to Congregation Ahavath Beth Israel for the Shabbat Evening Service). As a commitment to my keeping a Sabbath, I bought a plain paper notebook, colored pencils and pastel chalks. Each Sabbath will get its own page as a way of celebrating how God and I spend this time together.
Sabbath is a way of creating space - a space for God, healing, rest, renewal, joy, play - a space for so many things. I am excited to experience an intentional Sabbath here in Boise - I experienced three while at SFTS, and loved it! Can I continue this practice now that I am home in the "familiar?"
What might happen in your life if you create some healing, restful, God-infused space?
The following poem was shared with us during the intensive, as a reminder about the importance of space:
Fire - by Judy Sorum Brown
What makes a fire burn is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
So building fires
requires attention to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.
When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.
We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
Sabbath as space - holy space - that helps the fire to burn brighter and hotter. What a great image!
So tomorrow the Sabbath experiment/experience begins. I will not turn the computer on tomorrow (and possibly not on Saturday either - well, maybe that is too big of a change - let's say definitely not Friday, and Saturday is undecided). So my next blog entry will be in a day or two - post-Sabbath. Perhaps then I will share what the other two plain paper notebooks are for...or maybe I can tell you how the prayer songs we used in Chapel at SFTS have helped me to respond in very creative ways, or maybe I'll have a comment on the new (to me) Sallie McFague book that discusses creation as the Body of God...
... or maybe we'll just enjoy some holy space, and fire.
Be well - and may you find Holy Space!
With love and a heart turned towards this new adventure,
Kim
So...tomorrow I start to work (or perhaps not work) on the first growing edge - keeping a Sabbath. I was surprised to discover that I did not (ever) keep a Sabbath. I work hard on the traditional Christian Sabbath, and when I take a full day off, I work hard on it, too. I am often always busy - busy doing good things, but busy nonetheless. Rarely do I take time to stop, rest, reflect, play, and open myself more deeply to God - which means I rarely, if ever, keep a Sabbath.
But that changes tomorrow. I have committed to keeping at least one day per week as a Sabbath - my day set aside for deep resting, reflecting, playing, and being open to God in an intentional way. I have few ideas of what this will look like (high anxiety for a control freak), but I'm going to just lean into it and see what happens. I will not work on church work tomorrow (not even the ever-present pile of paperwork, nor any tweaking of the sermon). I will do things around the house that I enjoy doing (serious housework can wait for another day). I may cook a bit; I will probably go to the Elks pool for some pain relief, and I may find some place to worship (which will probably mean a RC daily mass someplace, or a trip to Congregation Ahavath Beth Israel for the Shabbat Evening Service). As a commitment to my keeping a Sabbath, I bought a plain paper notebook, colored pencils and pastel chalks. Each Sabbath will get its own page as a way of celebrating how God and I spend this time together.
Sabbath is a way of creating space - a space for God, healing, rest, renewal, joy, play - a space for so many things. I am excited to experience an intentional Sabbath here in Boise - I experienced three while at SFTS, and loved it! Can I continue this practice now that I am home in the "familiar?"
What might happen in your life if you create some healing, restful, God-infused space?
The following poem was shared with us during the intensive, as a reminder about the importance of space:
Fire - by Judy Sorum Brown
What makes a fire burn is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
So building fires
requires attention to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.
When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.
We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
Sabbath as space - holy space - that helps the fire to burn brighter and hotter. What a great image!
So tomorrow the Sabbath experiment/experience begins. I will not turn the computer on tomorrow (and possibly not on Saturday either - well, maybe that is too big of a change - let's say definitely not Friday, and Saturday is undecided). So my next blog entry will be in a day or two - post-Sabbath. Perhaps then I will share what the other two plain paper notebooks are for...or maybe I can tell you how the prayer songs we used in Chapel at SFTS have helped me to respond in very creative ways, or maybe I'll have a comment on the new (to me) Sallie McFague book that discusses creation as the Body of God...
... or maybe we'll just enjoy some holy space, and fire.
Be well - and may you find Holy Space!
With love and a heart turned towards this new adventure,
Kim
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
You studied what?
Day four back in the church, and someone asked the big question: "What exactly was it that you studied during your time away?" A difficult question to answer in a few words (or a paragraph, or an essay, or a novel). I was exposed to so many things, from new writers in eco-theology to worship resources with a social justice theme; from Sunday School curriculum that works extremely well with young children to group process techniques that will enhance life in the congregation. But if there was one topic - one experience - one focus that summed up the heart and soul of the intensive, it was this:
I learned and practiced a new way of listening.
I have the constitution of a listener - I have been doing this all my life. When he was young, David (my son) got annoyed when strangers would strike up a conversation with me and tell me their life story while we waited at the subway stop. And listening is something that I love to do. But I was trained to listen through some very specific filters - I have the ears of a pastor/pastoral counselor and problem-solver. I fix things - resolve things - solve things.
But contemplative listening is a very different type of listening - it is a listening that hears the words that come from the heart, and follows the echo of God's presence as the person speaks. Listening to the heart and for the echo of God is very different from listening for the clues to solve the problem. For one thing, this type of listening isn't about solving anything (picture me going through withdrawal as I tried this for the very first time). It isn't about generating options or solutions, and if I do it well, I may say very little (again, an interesting thing to picture - me not saying much)! If I am listening deeply in this new way, it is the person speaking who will, with my gentle guiding and the presence of the Spirit, find for themselves the evidence of God's presence and work in their life.
Contemplative listening creates a safe, healing space where a person speaking can be truly heard by another, and by themselves. They begin to speak, perhaps first from the head, and eventually from the heart. As they make this spiral journey inward, gentle and minimal prompting from the listener supports them as they go deeper and deeper into their truth. Through this journey they begin to identify how God is at work in their life, and gain a greater sensitivity for God's presence. This greater awareness creates a wonderfully open, free space from which discernment can happen and decisions can be made. It is a joy to be part of this journey, known as Spiritual Direction.
For the next two years I will focus on developing these skills as a Spiritual Director, so that I can do this work both with individuals and with groups (boards, committees, new member classes, special educational groups, those gathered for worship, groups who seek to make decisions - the possibilities are endless)! Then for my final few years I will use this skill as the foundation for looking at the minister as Spiritual Leader of the congregation, see how spiritual worship practices can help to enhance worship, and how we can build a bridge to those in the community who say they are spiritual, and long for a community, but avoid the church because it is "religious, not spiritual."
But is all begins with listening.
When was the last time you felt someone was truly listening to you? What feelings do you have when you know someone has truly heard you - heard your heart speak? Some feel that it is this experience of being heard and known that is the bedrock of all transformation. An interesting possibility to ponder...
How would your life be different if you were listened to? How would the world be different if you began truly listening to others? What thoughts/feelings do you have when you ponder the fact that God is always present to listen?
What might change in the world through your respectful, caring, listening presence?
With love,
Kim
I learned and practiced a new way of listening.
I have the constitution of a listener - I have been doing this all my life. When he was young, David (my son) got annoyed when strangers would strike up a conversation with me and tell me their life story while we waited at the subway stop. And listening is something that I love to do. But I was trained to listen through some very specific filters - I have the ears of a pastor/pastoral counselor and problem-solver. I fix things - resolve things - solve things.
But contemplative listening is a very different type of listening - it is a listening that hears the words that come from the heart, and follows the echo of God's presence as the person speaks. Listening to the heart and for the echo of God is very different from listening for the clues to solve the problem. For one thing, this type of listening isn't about solving anything (picture me going through withdrawal as I tried this for the very first time). It isn't about generating options or solutions, and if I do it well, I may say very little (again, an interesting thing to picture - me not saying much)! If I am listening deeply in this new way, it is the person speaking who will, with my gentle guiding and the presence of the Spirit, find for themselves the evidence of God's presence and work in their life.
Contemplative listening creates a safe, healing space where a person speaking can be truly heard by another, and by themselves. They begin to speak, perhaps first from the head, and eventually from the heart. As they make this spiral journey inward, gentle and minimal prompting from the listener supports them as they go deeper and deeper into their truth. Through this journey they begin to identify how God is at work in their life, and gain a greater sensitivity for God's presence. This greater awareness creates a wonderfully open, free space from which discernment can happen and decisions can be made. It is a joy to be part of this journey, known as Spiritual Direction.
For the next two years I will focus on developing these skills as a Spiritual Director, so that I can do this work both with individuals and with groups (boards, committees, new member classes, special educational groups, those gathered for worship, groups who seek to make decisions - the possibilities are endless)! Then for my final few years I will use this skill as the foundation for looking at the minister as Spiritual Leader of the congregation, see how spiritual worship practices can help to enhance worship, and how we can build a bridge to those in the community who say they are spiritual, and long for a community, but avoid the church because it is "religious, not spiritual."
But is all begins with listening.
When was the last time you felt someone was truly listening to you? What feelings do you have when you know someone has truly heard you - heard your heart speak? Some feel that it is this experience of being heard and known that is the bedrock of all transformation. An interesting possibility to ponder...
How would your life be different if you were listened to? How would the world be different if you began truly listening to others? What thoughts/feelings do you have when you ponder the fact that God is always present to listen?
What might change in the world through your respectful, caring, listening presence?
With love,
Kim
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