Leaning into freedom...

I was at the Elks pool at 7:10 am - hoping for a little relief from the pain.  The water felt particularly warm and soothing today, which was a nice blessing.  I watched the people around me struggling to cope with whatever illness or disability was "inviting" them to the Elks pool before sunrise.  I don't have to look hard or far to see evidence of grace and courage, as people try to find ways to cope with whatever cards are in their hand.  And in the midst of the courage and determination, there is humor:

Elderly Rehab patient to one of the volunteers:  "The wife and I were talking about what it would be like to be the one left behind if the other one dies first - how we would cope.  We came up with this solution - the one who dies first has to take the kids... " 

Lots of laughs followed as stories were shared about the desire to maintain independence from the kids who "know it all, " and the strategies for coping to maintain the highest quality of life possible.  I listen (I'm treated like one of the kids, and for many in the pool, I could, at 52,  be their grandchild)!  The desire to maintain balance, independence, and quality of life is such a strong inner motivation.  We've all seen situations where these desires were taken to an unhealthy extreme - perhaps we've done this ourselves.  Yet there is something in the human psyche that longs for freedom...

Balance.  Quality of life.  Healthy independence.  I think about these aspects of life, and wonder:  What are those things I can do with my own life and schedule - those choices I can make on a regular basis - that help to maintain balance, quality of life, and healthy independence?

Thinking of this leads me back to a topic we talked about many months ago at our Boise First Spirituality Group - a Rule of Life.  Our group reacted to the title "Rule of Life" because it sounded so strict and unyielding - almost like a straight-jacket.  This happens when we use descriptions that made perfect sense 1500 years ago,  but are now lost in translation.  A Rule of Life is nothing more than a plan - a strategy - an approach for how to structure your time and activities in a way that will maintain balance and quality of life - and open the heart to a deeper experience of God.  It can be developed through experimentation (you try something and find that it works well, so you bring it into your regular experience).  It is developed over time. 

Over my lifetime (but especially during the past three years) I have gained insight into what needs to be in my schedule to help maintain a sense of balance and quality of life, and what is best left out.  It is very good for me to start and end the day with prayer - pausing mid day to pray is a helpful bonus!   I work best with a reasonable amount of sleep each night.  I need regular experiences of silence and solitude, or my edges get crispy.  Watching TV in the evening interferes with my ability to sleep, while reading does not.  Exercise every day is better than a lot of exercise three days a week.  Attending worship each week someplace where I'm not in charge is very good for me - and if icons and incense are present, even better!  As I accept each new discovery and bring it into my daily life, I experience greater balance and enhanced quality of life.  And freedom - which, as the great mystics of the Christian Church remind us, is God desire for all of us.  To be free - free from our fears, free from all that binds and imprisons us, free to be ourselves - is what our heart longs for.   And having a Rule of Life is a tool to help us find that greater freedom.  It sounds like a paradox - a structure that invites freedom - but it is nonetheless true.

Do you long for a greater inner freedom?  What activities/schedule/rhythms brings you greater balance and enhanced quality of life?  What can you commit to doing on a regular basis that will ultimately give you greater freedom?  Can you imagine a plan - a rule of life - that will help you grow in all ways?  Can you see it - write it down - share it with God - commit to it?    Can you lean into freedom...

Leaning with love and prayers,
Kim

TPS

Re-entry.  I was reminded today that the space shuttle had a heat shield (TPS - thermal protection system) in order to survive the experience of re-entry.  Re-entering the earth's atmosphere creates a great deal of friction and heat, and without that protection, the shuttle could not survive re-entry.   I was thankful for my own heart's version of the heat shield as I turned on the computer at work and started going through almost a month's worth of emails, and messages, and minutes from meetings, and tried to reconcile what I had on my calendar before I left with what is on my calendar now...and met with people...and answered phone calls...and remembered to breathe...and remembered to pray...and remembered to laugh about how hard we can make life with all our busy-ness.

I remembered to take my cd's (by the musician who led worship at Chapel during my intensive) and play them in the car as I drove to/from work.  "May every word that I speak to everyone that I meet be filled with tenderness" lodged in my mind and heart and kept playing internally long after I was out of my car.  A good thing, given some of the responses I might have otherwise made to emails!  With helpful internal music, my responses were far more measured then they might have otherwise been, and I remembered to keep breathing.  I applied some of the skills from my contemplative listening work to my meetings today, and found that I was hearing a different inner melody in the conversations that I  might have otherwise missed - very interesting!  I continue to ground myself with prayer time at the beginning and ending of the day, and keep working on a daily examen - a very powerful tool.  It is becoming second-nature to me to ask the question:  What has given me joy and opened me to love today (consolation), and what has blocked the flow of love today (desolation).  I am becoming more aware of the items that make up my collective "heat shield," and will work with them to make sure I spend less time "crispy around the edges."  Crispy is not a good emotional/spiritual state for humans.

So what are the components of your heat shield - your thermal protection system?  What helps you to stay refreshed and renewed, and prevents "crispiness?" Are you taking steps to identify the components of your TPS, and strengthening those components?  Or are you in need of new heat tiles?  If so, allow God to show you what might help you handle the heat and friction of the atmosphere you live in.

The greatest blessing for me today (my consolation) happened at 2:20 pm, as I slowly limped down the stairs into the warm waters of the Elk's Rehab Hospital therapeutic pool.  Once the warm water started to work its magic, I started to walk...and walk...and walk some more.  Within 30 minutes I was jogging in the deeper water, and by 45 minutes I was moving freely in the deep end, dancing and cycling and cross-country skiing to the music - and having the time of my life!  Now I'm limping again, but the water will be waiting for me tomorrow morning, and I'll experience an hour of freedom again.  What a gift.

What was your greatest gift today?  Name it and lift it up with thanks.  And then take a few moments to savor that gift - let the memory renew you, and prepare you for rest.

Sweet dreams,
Kim

Wagon Ruts are Over-Rated

I wondered how I'd feel today after a month's absence from leading worship - the longest I've been out of the pulpit in recent memory.  I pondered if it would be difficult trying to find words to express all that I had heard and seen during the past several weeks.  And I worried that all the good insights, intentions and commitments I've made to reflect these upgraded ministry tools and spiritual experiences would evaporate in the ethos of the familiar.

Phew!  Worries unfounded.  It felt good to be back and see everyone, and good to preach again (even if it was only a meditation and not a full sermon).  And I felt "different" - still me, but different.  It was a good feeling.  I found myself listening "differently" - a striking and surprising experience.  I liked it.  Taking this different road instead of walking back into the wagon ruts worn deep from years of use still is a bit scary - but also very exciting.  And peaceful.  And "me."  Oh how good it feels to be me!

Before leaving for San Anselmo I noticed the topic I'd preach from upon my return - Jesus and the healing of the man with the "unclean spirit."  I sighed and wondered what in the world I would ever say about such a challenging topic.  Today, the words flowed easily because they came from my heart - I do indeed believe in a God of healing and transformation.  Not only have I seen it in others, I have lived it myself.  What a gift that this ministry of healing and transformation wasn't limited to a few brief years during the adult life of Jesus, but is part of the very nature of all life embraced by our Creator.  To this reality I am happy to testify.

Now comes the hard part - living up to the personal and professional goals I have set for myself.  Goals blessed by my supervisor (as long as I don't start judging myself when meeting them is a challenge), and goals that will stretch me because they keep me walking down my road less traveled.  I'll take it one day at a time, and perhaps in a few months I will be able to testify to the reality of changing life-long behavior patters.  Can I learn to do things differently?  Can I learn new behaviors?

Can you?  Can you find one or two places that leave you feeling stuck and blocked from the energizing, healing love of God?  Can you imagine a different way of living/seeing/reacting and responding that might help shift that stuck and blocked reality?  Can you imagine positive, health promoting and grace supported change?

See it - embrace it - find your own road less traveled.  I invite you to step out of one of your own well-worn ruts, and enjoy walking through the grass in God's garden.

With love,
Kim

Heels Clicked Together Three Times...

There is something about seeing the Snake River Canyon...the mountains in the distance...and then Boise!  Granted, it looks very different from San Anselmo, but, unlike San Anselmo, it looks like home.

I found myself feeling sad as we drove to San Jose - SFTS has been a place where I was exposed to God's fire and experienced some transformation.  It was hard to leave...but also good to be on my way.  You cannot stay on the mountaintop forever - life may be sustained and inspired by those mountaintop experiences, but life is lived back down in the community. As Jesus reminded the disciples after the experience of Transfiguration on Mount Tabor, you can't build houses and stay up there.  You have to come down the mountain and live life.

The traffic was light on the drive from San Anselmo to San Jose (a rare gift).  The San Jose airport is easy (even for me), and in no time we were waiting by our gate, where I witnessed the most amazing example of adaptability I've ever seen!  There is a small flock of blackbirds living in Terminal B (poor things)!  My heart broke when I saw them "imprisoned" in the terminal, but then I started watching these clever little birds.  As soon as a human finished using the water fountain, a blackbird would fly over to the "birdbath" and get a drink and a splash (what the health department thinks of this is any one's guess).  They navigate crowds with the agility of bats, and have an ample supply of crumbs under the seats in the gate waiting areas.  And just when you could consider being annoyed by their sanitary habits (or lack thereof by human standards), one perches on the back of a seat and serenades you.  I sure hope they are given some gentle assistance so they regain their freedom.  But in the meantime, they remind all of us that, no matter where we are, there are ways to adapt, to survive, thrive - and sing!  Although they lack the musical sophistication of my bird friends back in the Whole Foods parking lot in San Raphael, their clear, beautiful song lifted my heart.

Tomorrow I return to Boise First (just in time for the Annual Meeting).  It will take me a long time to put my recent experiences into words.  I pray that God may help me find my voice tomorrow, and that what I share may also be clear and lift the heart.

As you look back over your day, what is the one thing (of everything that happened today) that most opened your heart to love?  What was the one thing that closed your heart down?  And was there anything that made you want to "sing your song?"  If so, what did you "sing" - and to whom?

I sang:  "There is no place like home..."

With love and gratitude for traveling mercies,
Kim

Endings as Beginnings

I have officially completed my first intensive set of courses towards my DMin.  I spent today in  sessions where we experienced closure and articulated the lasting meaning we had found in our work during these past three years.  My class (first years) walked the labyrinth together and shed a few tears as we wished each other well.  I had my supervision assessment this afternoon (a wonderfully empowering experience - pure grace!) and approached someone and asked him to be my field work supervisor (and he said yes!).  And I drove up to the top of the hill one last time for my one last appointment...

...and there was no parking space!  I laughed so hard that I almost cried - on the last day at the last appointment - no space!  If that had happened my first or second week, my anxiety level would have been through the roof.  Instead, I created a "non-traditional" parking place, and went to my meeting.  Thankfully, the car was still there when I came out!

In the midst of all the goodbyes and good wishes, I was able to review a preaching/worship resource geared to social justice/peace themes (it is wonderful), and I got my GTU library card, and online access to the library.  I felt like a kid at Christmas as I typed in my ID number and had access to zillions of books and articles.  What a gift!

The bags are packed, and as it is a 5 am start tomorrow, it will soon be time for bed.  My next blog entry will be from Boise, where I now have the challenge of integrating all this tremendous material.  My blog entries may be less frequent once I am back, but I will still be longing to see our world through the Eyes of the Weaver.

I close tonight with a Marilyn Nelson poem that calls us all into a new relationship with God - and life.

"The Simple Wisdom"  by Marilyn Nelson

Abba Jacob said;
There's a big difference between
the mentalities of magic and of alliance.
People who spend their lives searching for God
have a magical mentality.  They need a sign, a proof,
a puff of smoke, an irrefutable miracle.
People who have an alliance mentality
know God by loving.

As we embraced tonight and wished each other well, we knew that God was indeed experienced powerfully through loving.

May you know God as you love another, love all who are in need, and love God's beautiful creation.  May you love justice and peace so much that you change your own life in order to bring it to pass.  May you love yourself enough that you see yourself through God's eyes and treat yourself with dignity, respect and grace.  Amen.

With love,
Kim

Signs, Spirit and Sweetcakes

Tonight I sat outside on the concrete retaining wall and looked at the stars.  I smiled when I saw the moon - to use Scots parlance, the new moon is lying in the old moon's oxters (armpits) - meaning (to Scottish farmers) bad weather is coming.  Thinking of that reminds me of a dear Scottish farmer back in Aberdeenshire who would study the moon and come back with the weather forecast most Sunday mornings during winter.  He was often more accurate than the Met Office (and certainly more interesting)!  He knew how to "read the signs" and would use them to predict the weather.

It was a good (exhausting) day today.  Classes are now done, and the first of my two assessments went very, very well - extremely affirming, encouraging, and provided excellent suggestions.  Nothing opens the heart like being known and affirmed for who you are.  I smile even as I write this, and think back to our meeting today, and a moment in the midst of it when I had an "ah ha" realization - compliments of the facilitators.  I was so excited and filled with joy that I thought I would burst (feet "happy dancing" and racing at a hundred miles a second), as they lovingly and gently held that joyous space with me while we celebrated a step that I hadn't even realized I had taken!  Based on this realization,  I'll be starting a very different kind of journal when I get home - a journal unlike any I've ever kept before.  I can't wait!  I will carry these experiences in my heart for some time to come.  When I see the joy, feel the renewal, and sense my heart opening, I can read these signs as indicators that God's healing Spirit is at work in my life.  Reading the signs and knowing what they predict gives me great hope!

So there is much joy in my heart today.  To celebrate this with you, I share a poem that was given to us today in class.  May you hear God's voice speaking to you in these words, and feel the freedom that is God's gift to us all.

"God Says Yes To Me" - by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

With love and gratitude for the God who says Yes,
Kim

Freefall

It was a very busy and intense day, with the morning spent delving into the depths of suffering, and the afternoon spent in our final small group practicum practicing the zillion new skills we have learned.  Both experiences were very positive but intense (I think I've said intense once already, but my mind struggles to find more words, given the intensity of today).  Tonight I try to string coherent thoughts together as I fill out my assessment paperwork.  I am once again awed by the thoroughness of the paperwork (enough said).  Tomorrow morning is class, then assessments in the afternoon, with the final assessment Friday afternoon.  We close with a party Friday night.  Then home on Saturday, and a different kind of work begins!

In class today our instructor shared the following poem as "consolation" following our difficult discussion on suffering.  May it cause your spirit to soar!

The Avowal, by Denise Levertov (one of my new favorite poets)

As swimmers dare
to lie face to the sky
and water bears them,
as hawks rest upon air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall, and float
into Creator Spirit's deep embrace,
knowing no effort earns
that all-surrounding grace.

With love and prayers,
Kim

Lucid Brevity

What a wonderful phrase - lucid brevity.  When we make our responses in lecture or small group, we are encouraged to practice lucid brevity.  In the beginning they gave us even stricter parameters:  "In one or two sentences..."  or  "in one or two simple sentences..."  or  "using two or three words..."   -  you get the picture.  The discipline of lucid brevity is a true gift, as it forces us to speak clearly, cleanly, and get right to the point.  I'll try to remember this when I get back into the pulpit on Sunday!

There are other phrases I will remember from this first intensive, including one that is destined to become my favorite:  "A long, loving look at the real"  (Walter J. Burghardt).  That is probably the best definition of contemplation I've ever heard.

Tomorrow I enter the final phase of this first intensive.  I put the "out of office" auto reply on the email, and feel myself settling into a time of deep reflection (and assessment).  There is much to ponder and integrate as I plan for the next ten months of remote learning.  They gave us our manual today - page after page of well-organized instructions and forms (many, many forms).  My first response to seeing all the forms was a wry smile as I remembered that this is a Presbyterian institution - of course there is an impressive structure!  But as I read through the material, I could see wisdom in the process.  I look forward to fully engaging in the process, to see how it works!

So, dear friends, the next few posts may be very brief as I focus my full attention on my remaining time here.  You may find poems and assorted other words of inspiration posted here - I'm not sure what the next few days will bring.  In any event, I look forward to sinking deeper into the mystery of this process of taking a long, loving look at the real, and will share my experience with you in due course.

"Slow me down.  Still my restless mind.  Quell my fears.  Quench my thirsty Soul.  Fill me with your love.  God of truth.  God of love"  (Prayer song from this evening's Chapel Service).

Nature sighting tonight - an owl in flight.  What a gift!

With love and prayers,
Kim

Walking the Talk

Today was a tough day, as we dealt with topics that were heavy and difficult - violence that is found in relationships (child, elder, and partner abuse; sexual abuse; homicide and suicide).  You could feel the air thicken as all of us leaned into this uncomfortable material and felt it settle over our shoulders like a dense, heavy weight.   Most of us in the room had been touched by one or more of these topics, either in our ministry or personal life.  Each topic reminded me of pain I had witnessed during my ministry, and I found myself almost flooded with memories of people I have worked with and cared for who faced these tragic experiences.   It was a tough day for all of us, and we were reminded to do what we needed to do to care for ourselves (I had a chair massage scheduled for lunch time - a nice option for self care).

As I was leaving, one of the lecturers checked in with me to make sure I was ok.  Whether she intuited that I was stressed in a way that I didn't notice, or she was concerned because I was anxious to leave class (chair massage), or she could see from my face that I had names and stories of congregants to go with these topics, or she remembered from my application materials that, in the broadest brush strokes, I alluded to some challenges in my early family life that would resonate with the material today - whatever motivated her to check in with me almost didn't matter.  What mattered is that she did check in with me.  I am continually touched by how this program seeks to embody what it teaches; the program itself is its own best textbook.

How true this is of all facets of life, including life in the church.  I am convinced that what we say is not nearly as persuasive as how we are with one another and what we do.  Talking about love matters little, whereas loving others in deed as well as word changes the world.  Preaching about justice changes little; embodying justice transforms systems, structures and relationship.  Compassionate words are pretty and nice, but can be like paper flowers in a rain storm; compassion lived out in relationship has a lasting beauty.

Walking the talk - it is the only way to transform the world, one experience and encounter at a time. 

What quality to you long to see in the world?  More love?  Justice?  Mercy?  Compassion?  Joy?  Peace?  How are you embodying that quality, and "living" it into the world?

We are all called to this sacred work - no exceptions!  What a holy, humbling, precious gift.

"Let us live in justice, love in mercy, dwell in God with a humble heart."  (Prayer Song from Chapel)

With love and prayers,
Kim

Helluva Dreich!

In Scotland there are many different phrases used to describe a rainy day.  The one that best corresponds to today's unrelenting rains is helluva dreich!  It started raining some time during the night, and never, ever stopped.  I had planned to head to Ross to visit a church that has an interesting pastoral staffing model, followed by a trip to the store to get index cards (which I unfortunately forgot to get yesterday), and then a later meal at Cafe Gratitude or Taco Jane's where I would enjoy something wonderful.  Instead, I stayed in all day.

I researched this interesting staffing model online (a very creative model for enhancing pastoral staffing without adding paid staff positions), worked without the index cards (I'll get them tomorrow), and caught up on some reading - very, very enjoyable.

And I sat in the chair by the window and watched the rain.  I don't think I've intentionally watched a rain storm since I was a child.  I remember the summer rains coming to WNY, and sitting on the porch while it rained so hard that you couldn't see across the street - and wondered if it would ever stop!  The quality of the rain (we used to say it came down in sheets) was very much like the rain today - hence the memory.  I am often too busy to watch the rain (even though it is a fairly rare occurence in Boise), and yet the experience of just being present and watching the rain has an almost soothing quality to it.  Less soothing tonight, as the winds have picked up and it now sounds like a driving rain!

An unexpected day of complete rest, compliments of the winter rains.  Tomorrow begins my third and final week of my first intensive - lots to do before assessments later in the week.  Although I will miss my new colleagues and many of the opportunities here at SFTS, I can sense that inner reorientation that happens as one begins to prepare to leave.  My eyes are turning ever-so-slowly towards home.

What was the weather like for you today?  Did you have a moment to stop and experience it - savor it - appreciate it - offer thanks for it - or was it a busy day full of activities and distractions?  It isn't too late...you can still poke your head outside and experience God's creation (but if you're reading this in the Bay Area, remember your souwester (British yellow plastic rain hat that allows water to run around the brow and drain off the back).

A poem shared with us in class this past week:  Aches and Pains, by Marilyn Nelson

Abba Jacob said:
The older I get, the more clearly I believe
that old age is the desert.
It's biblical, too.  In youth
we are the Jews in Egypt,
convinced that gifts
come horizontally; from other men,
like documents of manumission,
or from the land, like river water
and golden-headed, flowing grain.
Grown older we know, a people adrift
in a featurless wasteland,
that all gifts come from heaven.
Like manna.  Like respite.  Like rain.

Rest well,
With love and prayers,
Kim

Score Cards

The "continuous" nature of the torrential rains ended by this morning, which made room for a new sport that folks here in San Anselmo know well - trying to run errands around the rain storms.  As soon as I saw the sun, I headed off to Whole Foods to hear my favorite birds and get produce for this final week of study.  That there were no birds riffing in the trees should have been my first clue that something was up. 

By the time I was ready to walk to my car (which was parked in one of the spaces closest to the door), I could not see the car for the torrential rain.  I looked at my canvas shopping bag filled with produce and paper bags filled with stuff, and sat down at the counter.  The rain had won.  It eventually eased up enough that I could see the car again, so I made a mad dash (as much as I dash) to the car in the pouring rain, and got in the car just in time for the rain to stop and the sun to come out.  Rain 1, Kim 0.  We did this a few more times with the remaining errands, until we were tie at Rain 2, Kim 2.  Tonight's venture back to St Nicholas Orthodox Church for Vespers (sans rain) means that I ended the day ahead.  But I suspect that the rain has memory, and knows that it won hands down yesterday, and probably will again tomorrow.  Mother Nature always has the last word!

In class yesterday we were challenged to remember that "God is present in ordinary human experience all the time (at all times) but we don't always notice God's presence."  This presence may be subtle, but is pervasive.  Challenging words!  I joke about "Mother Nature" having the last word, but there are times when I am so distracted that I don't even see God in the beauty of creation. 

But I did today - God got my attention and took my breath away this morning.  I had to write the experience down in my journal for fear that I'd forget it - the mind so easily forgets the experiences of God.  And it made me wonder...if indeed God is present in ordinary human experience all the time, at all times, and in all ways, what would it be like if I started looking for God - really paying attention to God - in all aspects of experience?  What would the quality of my time and experiences be like if I could see God in them? 

What if I were aware of God's presence when doing the dishes and cleaning up the house...see God in the beauty of nature (easier to do)...see God when sitting in traffic, or a three-hour lecture, or three hour meeting (harder to do)...or when I am discouraged, or in pain, or exhausted (harder still), or having a "mountain-top experience (easy), or when feeling loved (easier) or loving another (easier still), or when feeling alone and unknown for who I am in my heart (very hard)!  Yet if it is true that God is present in ordinary human experience all the time, God is present in the pain and in the love, on the mountain top and in the meeting.  The question is not if God is present, but if I am aware of God's presence.

Awareness - it is both a disposition (attitude), and a skill that can be learned.  What a relief!  I can learn to be more aware - more attuned to God's presence.  And as with any skill, my awareness will grow with practice and my score will improve: 

     Kim's Awareness:  1,  God's Presence:  Infinite

I invite you to think about those times when you have been acutely aware of God's presence - feel again what that experience was like.  And then consider what it would be like to become more aware of God's presence in ordinary human experience.  How would the quality of your life change if your awareness of God increased?

With love and prayers,
Kim

Noah and Moses

If I had seen Noah building an Ark today, I wouldn't have been surprised.  The rain became positively torrential during the night and continued all day and evening.  I'm told it will rain like this, nonstop, for several days, and ease up around Wednesday.  The birds seem happy enough, when they are not being blown about like leaves.  Gales and a nonstop heavy rain - it made me homesick for Scotland, and for its weather opposite, Boise (I've been spoiled by the dry weather back in the Treasure Valley).

They switched our schedule today and we had practicum in the morning, and a three hour lecture in the afternoon (I had forgotten what three hour lectures were like on a Friday afternoon, in an old building that is very WARM...).  My attention kept being drawn to the window and the various birds that would blow past.  I could watch the birds here all day.  5 pm meant that I had completed week 10 of the term.  I let the wind blow me to the car and then down to chapel, and eventually back to the apartment.

In chapel we were reminded that all the work we do provides the foundation for us to serve humanity more effectively.  What we learn is not for ourselves alone; it is to empower service.  As we heard God's invitation for Moses to come and deliver God's people, our chaplain reminded us that God didn't say to Moses:  "Go and deliver my people."  God said "come and deliver my people."  Our first call is into the heart of God; from there we can go forth to serve with vision, grace and strength.  In all my years of reading that passage in Exodus I had never noticed the direction of the call.  But it makes good sense - it is from the heart of God that we are enlivened and empowered for service - to go forth and speak to the Pharaohs of our day and bring a word of light, life, and liberation.

I plan to rest this weekend (there isn't much else to do given the weather).  I am physically very tired, but mentally/emotional/spiritually energized.  I'll keep an eye out for Noah in the gales and rain and keep mopping up the water that seeps in through the windows and doors ... and consider which Pharaoh God is calling me to confront.

Has God called you to speak a word of light, life and liberation to one of the Pharaohs of our world?  If so - which one?

With love and prayers,
Kim

Viriditas and The Winter Rains...

The winter rains are here!  They arrived like a mist that clung to everything and made all life glisten with moist possibility... and then it began to rain.  The earth rejoices, but I found myself remembering what happens when arthritic joints meet cold, damp weather.  I feel like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz who is rusted in the meadow (where is that oil can)!

Despite my rust, today was my day for an Epiphany - welcome,  painful to birth, and most unexpected.  It began in class this morning when I found myself having an uncharacteristic over-reaction to the simplest of exercises.  I've been around the block enough to know that reactions like this usually indicate an iceberg lurking somewhere just under the surface of consciousness:  Iceberg Warning!  I puzzled and thought - and even was fairly sure I had identified yon iceberg.  But I couldn't have been more wrong!   In Practicum today it was my turn to be the one who shared something in my "story" that had some "energy" about it, and allow one of the other students to practice their skills at guiding me through the experience in order to gain greater clarity and understanding of God's working in my life.  While we do this, the other students and instructor look on and provide prayerful support (and feedback when the exercise is completed).  I have enough trust in our group that I was willing to "unfold" this morning's experience, never dreaming it would take me where it did.  But as each layer unfolded, a deeper awareness was present - and I had an opportunity to acknowledge some pain I thought I had already released and say out loud things I rarely voice to anyone but God.  There is great power in speaking one's truth aloud to be heard by God and others.  I ended in a very different place than I started - with the intervening part a complete surprise!  But a good surprise...a healing surprise...a gift of Grace. 

I gained some unexpected insight today that I will ponder for some time - a true gift.  Healing and insight came when I least expected it, and in a form I was not anticipating.  I don't know why it always surprises me when the Spirit works in community!  After all, that is one of the primary purposes of community - to be a vessel/container for God's people through which the Spirit works.

It is true that we never enter the same river twice.  I came here to learn new skills/tools, to be exposed to new ideas, and to meet and collaborate with new colleagues - to expand my collegeal community.  These things have certainly happened...but so much more has also taken place.  My soul has found stillness and nourishment, and my vocation has come into clearer focus.  Some wounds, both old and recent, have been lanced and cleaned, and allowed to heal in the light and air of a spacious, gracious community.  I have come to know, love and respect myself with greater depth, and appreciation.  I have also begun understanding my needs as both clergy and child of God, with greater tenderness and clarity - and acceptance. 

In chapel we sang the prayer song:  "Lord God heal me.  Heal me O my Lord, that I might fulfill all your plans for me."  The joy of all healing is that it frees us to be our true selves, and from that point of health and strength to be of service to others.

What heart and soul wounds are like icebergs that sometimes lurk just under the surface of your awareness?  What would it be like if they surfaced - were acknowledged - were tended to and allowed to heal?  How would that free you to be yourself and fulfill your unique reason for being here?

Hildegard of Bingen spoke of the greening power of God - viriditas - that which makes us shimmer with life.  All around me, without and within, I see viriditas, and I rejoice!

With viriditas and love,
Kim

Water and Threads

It almost rained today - we almost had the beginnings of the much awaited winter rains.  The clouds came in looking most promising, but then they were gone.  It is a clear, crisp night tonight with no sign of clouds in the sky.  I hear that Boise had its first big snowstorm, and WNY continues to get buried in a think white blanket of snow - measured in feet!  Whatever else we think of the snow and winter rains, it brings moisture to parched ground.

Moisture is needed to sustain life (at least on our planet).  I've been thinking today about what it is that quenches our inner thirst and leaves us growing and blossoming like a well-watered garden.  What is it that leaves us feeling alive, vibrant and able to be used by God to bring life and vibrancy to others?

My guess is that the specifics of the answer differ for each person, but the core of the answer is a reality all humans share.  We all yearn to be known, to be listened to, to be loved, and to be seen as beloved.  When those needs are met, we thrive.  When they are not...well...we also all know what that feels like.

It appears that the "take home" message of this particular training program is that pastoral spiritual leadership based in contemplative listening (truly listening to and knowing the other) can provide the life-giving water that allows communities to grow and thrive.  I see it happening here between individuals; I see it happening here in this community.  I have experienced it in my own life.  Nothing is as  transformative as being in a place or relationship where I am known, heard, loved and seen as beloved.   Today I had this experience in abundance through our assessment experience and this evening's worship - joy overflowing!

My day of joy was embodied this afternoon by a hummingbird that was drinking from the rosemary blossoms.  A hummingbird in January - a new experience for me!  It danced among the blossoms and radiated joy (which is the "medicine" of the hummingbird, according to some native and shamanic teachers).  I took a moment this afternoon to refresh my memory on the "medicine" brought by deer, mountain lions and hummingbirds - since they have visited me recently in ordinary time and the nonordinary time of dreams.  Very interesting reading...  I also refreshed my memory on the "medicine" brought by spiders (even dearly departed ones like Oscar, who kept me company each morning in the shower until yon Oscar decided that we needed an "up close and personal encounter").  Although Oscar has gone to the "nearer presence of God" (words from a Church of Scotland liturgy), I find it helpful to remember that spider "medicine" teaches us that we weave our own realities - we are the creators of our lives.  We choose, and God works within our choices to bring about the realm of God in our midst - one thread at a time.

Happy weaving,
With love,
Kim

Wherever you are...

Sometimes it isn't the big things in life that trip you up, but the little things.  Today seemed to be walking wounded day at SFTS.  A little virus of some kind has spread like wildfire in the 2nd and 3rd year class, so many in our community were out sick, or wishing they could be.  Our first year group looked exhausted, and some who are newer to ministry (and life) were registering panic and dread at the prospect of tomorrow's "interview" with our supervisors - an experience which will lay the groundwork for the assessment interview next week.  I remember vividly being a "20-30 something" and experiencing abject dread every time any type of assessment/evaluation/performance review was done.  There is grace in ageing - now I just smile and don't worry about it -  been there, done that, hundreds of times.  Perspective also has another plus - I can compare this program (which is gentle and empowering) with other training programs I've been in (which were like boot camp from hell) - no worries here.  This is a good place to learn and grow, with an excellent training model.

I was aware of my age many times today, but especially at lunch when the topic of my younger colleagues turned to how much they loved and found meaning in the TV series "Sex in the City."  I remember having this conversation with another twenty-something (who shall remain nameless), and feeling so old.  We laughed about it at lunch today when I shared that the first time I saw the show I thought it was all satire and metaphor.  Clearly a generation gap.  I look at them - with all the years of ministry yet ahead of them and all the angst that goes with this stage of the journey (and all its discomforts and unknowns) and I hold them gently in my heart...but wouldn't trade places with them for a million dollars!

Today I'm enjoying my greying hair, my love of metaphor and satire, and the playfulness I feel being in this program.  All feels very light and free - no call to discern, no angst about what the process holds or trying to figure out what God wants me to do - just dancing lessons to the music of the Spirit.  Although I often envy the strength, mobility, talent and health of my younger comrades, each age in life holds both challenges and wonderful opportunities.  It pays to celebrate and appreciate wherever we are.  I'm loving being in my 50's today, and being comfortable in my life!  There are still ample opportunities and challenges to keep things interesting, but not the uncertainty about the core things that matter.  The core holds, and that feels good.

Tonight was the reception at the home of the SFTS President, but instead limping over to the party, I took myself to Cafe Gratitude and had an "I am Luscious" (hazelnut milk, fig, date, raw cacao and vanilla bean smoothie) with my "I am Extraordinary" (which is a BLT made with maple coconut bacon and tons of greens).  It is such a hoot when they bring your meal to you and announce to the world:  "You are luscious and extraordinary!"  Next time I want to try either "I am Transformed" or "I am Warm-Hearted" - with a side of "I am Vibrant."  (I'm sipping an "I am Effervescent" even as I write...).  Who would of thought food could be this much fun?!?  

As I said before, it is often the little things that trip us up, and today my banana peel was not the virus going around campus but instead was the sharp edge of a chair that was jammed into the back of my knee.  The world was a planetarium for at least a full minute as I saw stars that I've never seen before.  Walking tonight is difficult at best, so your prayers for healing and strength  are appreciated.  If I could go from the airport on Saturday to the Elks rehab pool, I would.  In the meantime, I am trying to be gentle and non-hostile to my non-cooperating joints while celebrating the stage in life that lets me lean deeply into the mystery and rejoice.

Wherever you are in the journey of life, may you find something luscious and extraordinary to celebrate, so you can hear the music of the Spirit, and dance until you are warm-hearted, vibrant and effervescent!  That, my friends, is transformation!

Limping with joy,
Kim

Standing in the Creative Tension

I was blessed to stand in the midst of much creative tension today, and was reminded that it is in such tension that true transformation can take place.

The first place of creative tension surrounded the Seminary's decision to go ahead with our program, even though it was Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  No one was completely happy with the choice, and so together we stood in the tension and spoke about our discomfort.  We remembered Dr. King and his commitment to nonviolence and peace by beginning class with an audio recording of the "I Have a Dream" speech - as fresh today as it was when first given almost 50 years ago.  Our topic in class today was human experience and culture - a timely topic.

Our first year class has ten students - seven are white Europeans; two are African American, and one is Korean.  Our lecturer today was Korean, and she touched on the topic of religious experience viewed through the lens of the dominant culture, and the consequences for other cultures within society.  This discussion led to one African American colleague asking if we were going to address the "Construction of Whiteness" this year - (with the social construction of whiteness as an ideology tied to social status, and used as a way to suppress non-white cultures).  We all as a group took a deep breath and stood in the tension - program administrators not sure where they could insert a topic of this magnitude, students expressing a need to begin this difficult discussion, and no one knowing where to begin.  In the afternoon our program director came back with a suggested text we could look at to begin our personal reflection on this issue, and a promise that this would be a growing edge for the program in the future.  The M.Div program here spends considerable time on the Construction of Whiteness; soon the DMin will consider it, too.  (The suggested book is Learning to be White, by Thandeka).

Tonight we gathered together in Chapel to celebrate the vision of Dr. King.  We sang our hearts out, listened, prayed, and then gathered in a very large circle to share the bread of justice and cup of blessing.  Although we took no great steps towards greater resolution of these huge topics of power, oppression, injustice, and possible peace with justice, we stayed together in the creative tension of the Spirit, and allowed our hearts to soften and our minds to open.  And we were reminded of a great truth - when we meet each other in God, we meet not in the place of our privilege, but in the place of our poverty and woundedness - a place all of our hearts share.

With hopes for a just and peaceful world,
Kim

What fills us?

I begin tonight with the end of my day - an evening meal at Cafe Gratitude.  It is a joy to support a business that "walks the talk" in terms of environmental stewardship and sacred commerce (a new phrase I'm encountering more and more here in the wilds of California).  Delicious food and an inviting atmosphere are much more enjoyable when you know the planet and and its inhabitants benefit from your meal.  As I finished my soup I could easily read the words written in the bottom of the bowl:  "What are you grateful for?"  I can think of no better way to end a meal than to remember and offer thanks for my blessings.

And there were many blessings today for my sabbath rest.  I started the day with a trip to Muir Woods, with the hope of worshiping God in the Green Cathedral.  Fortunately for God, half of San Francisco had the same idea.  So without a parking space to be found even within an unreasonable distance to the entrance, I headed on my way and practiced sharing the road with cyclists (I am so impressed with the number of cyclist here in California...and if the roads were wider, the shared experience would be more enjoyable for all).  I took Route 1 to Stinson Beach, and then took the roads less travelled north through lots of little towns (fun), and eventually ended up back on Sir Francis Drake heading towards San Rafael.  I confess to being a bit miffed that I had missed the trees in Muir Woods, but then I noticed a state park tucked out of the way and off to my right.  I pulled in to the picnic area and found myself enjoying a grove of old wise redwoods and the sounds of a lovely creek.  I sat in the grove and enjoyed the beauty of God's creation - Muir Woods can wait for another time.

I drove on to Whole Foods to pick up some cough drops (I know you're smiling right now because you know my real reason for going there...).  This time I didn't let the "economy of parking spaces" deter me from sitting still and enjoying the music from my bird friends - and boy were they at it today.  It was wild!  I just rolled the windows down (looking like I was waiting for someone who was shopping inside) and relaxed into the music (not the same calibre of music as was experienced at Boise First today, but as that choice wasn't open to me, my birds did their best to help my spirit soar).  David says I can use my IPad to record them, so we'll see if I can figure out how to do that. I have now identified Birds Coltrane - they are indeed red winged blackbirds, but with a California attitude (and mighty in number).  They reason they are so plump - they live at Whole Foods.

Fortunately, I forgot to get the cough drops, so I have an excuse to go back there soon.

I decided to go to a local Catholic Church for Mass this evening, which was my stop before Cafe Gratitude.  The Priest gave an excellent sermon, and skillfully wove the theme throughout the liturgy.  But although the sermon was first class and the liturgy familiar (and all in English as opposed to last night's experience), I felt no connection with the community, and the experience was cold.  I was challenged and inspired, but my heart was left hungry, instead of feeling full.  Last night I attended a service where I was clearly an "outsider" and did not even understand some of the language, but felt included, welcomed, and filled.  Interesting... it makes me wonder what the experience of worship is like for our guests at Boise First.  What is it that invites a person into "connection" - both with God and with community?  We have done our best to make sure we are not speaking a different language, and yet that alone isn't enough.  An interesting point to ponder.

Tonight the sky is full of stars, the air is clear and crisp, and a weather change is here.  We lost about 20 degrees of warmth today - I almost wore a jacket!  Tonight it was downright cold - maybe the winter rains are on the way, for this very parched ground.  The area is very dry, and people are praying for rain...just as in Boise people are praying for snow. 

We lift our hearts to God and offer our concerns...our worries...thanksgiving for our blessings...our hopes and dreams.  May we take the advice given by the Priest tonight in his homily and remember to follow the example of Samuel and invite God to speak to us, and then stop talking long enough to hear what God has to say...and may the experience be like water on parched ground, or food for a hungry heart.

With love and prayers,
Kim

Birds Coltrane and Holy Work

Today was my play day!  Whatever came my way, my goal was to relax and play - have some fun!  So after I got myself ready for the day, my first activity was a trip to the Whole Foods in San Rafael.

I confess to having ulterior motives for going to Whole Foods.  It isn't just for the beautiful produce (like the delicious fresh California seedless clementines), nor is it the assortment of vegan foods (including to-die-for vegan chocolate pudding).  No, I go to Whole Foods for their parking lot music - the most glorious, chaotic, enchanting, improvisational bird-jazz you've ever heard!  They have these really cool trees planted on islands around the parking lot, and they are FILLED with these blackish plump birds with a little bit of red on their wings (but not quite like our red-wing blackbirds) who have attitude to spare.  They sing, scold, shout, chatter, squawk, and riff like nothing I've ever heard - and they just keep going at maximum decibel!  I sit in my car with my head out the window listening to Birds Coltrane - you just can't beat it (not even with the afore mentioned vegan chocolate pudding).  So I started my day with really hot parking lot jazz, had a trip to a fitness shop to get a strap and some weights (no therapy pool, so I'm improvising), vaguely remember a nap while enjoying the view of a stately redwood through my apartment window, and ended my day at St. Nicholas Orthodox Church for Vespers.

I could write paragraphs about the beautify of the sanctuary - the Icons are incredible, as is the way the Orthodox Liturgy captures the essence of Holy Mystery.  The chant - angelic.  The incense - ethereal (and a bit thick - members of the choir kept sticking their heads out the window to breathe so they could continue singing).  The time - clearly kairos, because if I focused on chronos, I'd would have felt every moment in the hour and forty five minute service (I wore dress shoes - enough said).  I was warmly greeted by the Priest, and offered a chair (most worshippers and the choir stand for the full service).  He suggested I use the chair that had the cushion, because the woman who sat on that cushion lived to be 102.  I declined that chair (not sure why), but enjoyed using the one next to it.

Even with all that beauty of space and liturgy, I found the greatest beauty in the people.  Like the grandmother who brought her three-year-old granddaughter to the Liturgy, and gently took her around to the Icons and helped her to make the sign of the cross, touch the floor and reverence the Icons with a kiss.  She curled up with grandma and soaked in the faith of her ancestors - and love.  And the young family with the four children, who made it through the whole service, loving those children every step of the way.  I got to keep watch over the two sleeping boys (ages 2 and 4) as they slept soundly on the bare benches next to my chair, while mom and dad helped the two slightly older elementary age children learn to participate in the liturgy (while being held, rocked, disciplined, included, timed-out, held again, included, etc).  A kindly English gentlemen gently grabbed my arm and whisked me away from my chair just in time so I wasn't run over by the Deacon making his rounds with the incense.  The mom of said sleeping children leaned over to me and whispered her name, and welcomed me, and I joined the angels in the Holy Work of guarding her sleeping children (lest they roll of the benches onto the hard floor).   This small congregation of young and old are truly a tight-knit community who deeply love God, one another, and their families.  For a window of time tonight they let me gaze with them at Windows to Heaven, and participate in the Holy Work of watching sleeping children as we Watch for God.  I was blessed to find God in the love I witnessed and shared tonight - a Window to Heaven more beautiful than any Icon.

I confess that it made me think of how we include and prepare our own children to embody the story of our faith - their faith - and the role of worship in that experience.  What do we do to provide the children at Boise First with a compass, anchor, harbor and launching point?

More adventures await tomorrow as I enjoy a second day of rest.  For those of you who are reading this in Boise, make sure you attend worship at 10 am tomorrow - MEN (Male Ensemble Northwest) will be leading worship under the guidance of our own Seth McMullen and the inspirational presence of our own Rev. Dr. Doug Lobb.  And they will be doing something very special with the children, so you won't want to miss worship, or their concert at Boise First at 1 pm.

I will try to get the proper name for Birds Coltrane for a future post, or at least a picture.  Until then,

Sweet dreams, dear friends,
With love,
Kim

Hard Hats and Tender Hearts

We sang prayers of longing and hope this morning, as we were reminded again of Moses and the burning bush, and the Holy Ground all around us.  Every last inch of it is holy - God is alive and at work in all life. 

But as wondrous and comforting as that is, it is also BIG.  The image from the Bible story is one of a burning bush - not a small flickering candle.  This is not a tame, domesticated image - but one that humbles the soul.  A quote from one of our texts for today says it all:

"On the whole, I do not find Christians, outside of the catacombs, sufficiently sensible of conditions.  Does anyone have the foggiest idea what sort of power we so blithely invoke?  Or, as I suspect, does no one believe a word of it?  The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday morning.  It is madness to wear ladies' straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets.  Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews.  For the sleeping god may wake someday and take offense, or the waking god may draw us out to where we can never return." Annie Dillard, Teaching a Stone to Talk: Expeditions and Encounters (New York: Harper and Row, 1982) 40-41, as quoted by Elisabeth Liebert, "Supervision as Widening the Circle," in Supervision of Spiritual Directors, Engaging in Holy Mystery, edited by Mary Rose Bumpus and Rebecca Bradburn Langer, (PA: Morehouse Publishing, 2005) 126.

Power - Fire - Transformation - Call - Not tame stuff!  So it was perfectly appropriate that the area around the chancel in the chapel was decorated with a Warning sign, hard hats and orange cones - an encounter with the Living God can change one forever!  Enter at your own risk!

I encountered a new model in class this morning that will be very helpful with the Boise First visioning process - and also got to hear the role of the Holy Spirit described through the music of Bach and John Coltrane (I don't remember my MDiv being this much fun - there certainly wasn't any Coltrane ).  The afternoon small group session was another living, breathing example of what people committed to a path of love and compassion can do when they work together in service of God and another.  My heart continues to be broken open by the love here - I watched colleagues working as angels today in holy and tender work.  My belief in the power of ministry is being replenished with each encounter.

And I could be a part of that experience this afternoon because I could park my car.  Remember the parking space conundrum from an earlier post (only 29 parking spaces needed on top of the hill, and only two on any given day).  Well by the grace of God there has been a parking space each day, morning and afternoon, which allows me to get to class:

The little red Fiesta is my  mode of transportation, and this is a picture of it parked in the only parking spot available today when I came up the hill for the afternoon class.  And to you know why that parking space was available?

That was my gift of grace, left there by an angel in the administration of the program who new the top of the hill was busy, and that I would struggle to park my car.  I cried when I saw the sign - another example of God's grace in action.

Today I was reminded again of the power of love operating in community, of the tender, healing grace we can convey to one another, and had the awe-stuck affirmation of having someone call me by the name that I carry deep within my heart, but never speak aloud - a gentle soul who was willing to be an instrument of God's love.  Power - Holy Ground indeed.

A perfect place to end my first week (in chronos time) or fifth week (in academic time).  Sabbath time for Saturday and Sunday...I wonder what adventures await me?

What adventures await you?

With love and prayers,
Kim

These bones can dance!

I was mistaken yesterday when I said these old bones can't dance.  Oh yes they can!  Today as part of our morning lecture (which dealt with mind and body in contemplative listening) we did some body work through dyads, triads, and whole group experience.  And we ended with dancing - wonderful, amazing dancing.  I could only stand and dance for a moment, but I discovered that I can chair dance like nobody's business!  It was joyful - and very freeing.  I have missed the freedom of my daily hour at the Elks hydrotherapy pool back in Boise - the ability to walk and jog and move and dance without pain, if only for an hour!  The soothing quality of the very warm water gives me mobility that I don't have on land right now.  I can do those things I love to do without pain, and just savor the freedom of movement.  My joints ache for that warm water, and the freedom to dance.  I never would have thought of dancing in a chair - but it felt good, too.  Freeing...       I will do it again!

Afternoon brings small group work where we practice this new way of listening and responding - a way that is counterintuitive for many of us, including myself.  I watched and experienced how a small group of loving, compassionate spiritual people could create a space where even I could go right down to my bones without fear and embrace what God was bringing to me - explore how God was inviting me... When all was said and done,  I was awed by what I had experienced, and by what it means to be community.  To hold that space for one another where we can experience God - without having to defend, interpret, or script God - and just allow Love to work...that is where transformation happens.

Yes indeed, I live to tell that in the presence of that kind of Love, these achy old bones can not only dance, but in my heart they can run up the stairs to follow a small herd of deer that have been gently inviting me into the unknown since Monday night (you met them in an earlier post, and they have been walking around in my heart ever since).  At first I wasn't sure I wanted to follow them up those steps...but tonight in Chapel I decided to open my heart and go up one step, then another, then I paused...and then I ran up those steps as fast as I could run!  Its the fastest I've even run - ever!   And I knew the community held me as I raced into the unknown and into the arms of Love.

With awe and love - and one joyous happy dance,
Kim

Dancing Heart

When I first picked up the book "Sleeping With Bread," (by Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant Linn, and Matthew Linn) I was sure Amazon had sent me the wrong book.  After all, this was a required text for my course, and it was illustrated like a children's book!  Once I set my ever-present-judging-mind gently aside, I let myself be drawn into the pictures - and the text.   I soon discovered that the illustrations were a perfect way to "gentle" the reader into considering an important spiritual practice that has a strong-sounding name:  The Examen.

See what I mean...doesn't the Examen sound, well, harsh?  Strict...stern...judgmental...maybe even oppressive?  But the truth of this practice is the exact opposite - it is a life giving, gentle practice that helps us to be more aware, present, grace-filled and grateful.

In its simplest form, you practice the Examen by agreeing to stop once a day (usually in the morning or at night) and reflect on two questions:  For what today am I most grateful?  For what today am I least grateful?  If you live with someone, you can do this practice together; if you live alone, you can do the practice knowing that God is with you.  It is good to write down your answers - perhaps keeping a journal.  There is power in naming these things out loud or writing them down, and not just keeping them in your head or heart.

As I look back in my journal, I see that it has almost been a year since I started this practice, and I am definitely seeing the fruit of this discipline in my life.  All the students in this course are asked to covenant to do the Examen every day - it is part of the promise we make in being part of this community.  It is an easy promise to make, because it brings such rewards to all who practice it.  Please consider trying this out for yourself - it is well worth the investment of 15-20 minutes each day.

It was a long but good class day today - with afternoon devoted to working in a small group to learn a completely new way of listening.  The experience was challenging, but in a very good way.  I found myself at worship tonight once again wiping away tears of joy - this is such a good place for me to be.  Each moment is pregnant with new ways (which are actually very old) to open to God, both as an individual and as a group.  And the days are filled with times of silent contemplation - a practice that nourishes me on all levels.  I feel like one of those plants you see at the nursery or church plant sales in June - the one that long ago outgrew its small plastic pot, and looks limp, a bit wilted, and days away from a trip to the dumpster... but at the last minute gets planted in rich, fertile soil and springs to life in new and vibrant ways.  These bones can't dance, but my heart sure can!

Joan Chittister reminds me that "The function of spiritual leadership is to show in our own lives the beauty that oozes out of those who live the spiritual life to its fullness.  The function of spiritual leadership is to enshrine what a good life can be" (The Rule of Benedict - A Spirituality for the 21st Century, p 39).   I pray that this is one quality of leadership that I bring back to Boise.

With love and prayers,
Kim

29 Parking Spaces

"May every word that I speak, to everyone that I meet, be filled with tenderness."

Stephen Iverson wrote the above sung prayer, which is how we concluded Morning Prayer  today.  Worship continues to be one of the high points of my time here; it frames my day in a way that is very healthy for me.  I invite you to listen to his music on the web - his prayer songs open the heart, which is always a good thing.

I have settled into a good daily rhythm here, with 8:45-noon and 2:30 - 5 as class time.  One day in class is equal to one week in a normal term, so I certainly feel the intensity of the class schedule.  Worship begins and ends the day, and during my lunch break I check in with Melissa and catch up on emails.  Evenings is for reading and this blog.  I am in bed at 9, lights out by 10, with the alarm set for 6 am.  It is a simple schedule, and works very well for me.  I feel my self slowly unwinding...it is a good feeling.

Today was "deconstruction day" - the day when we were gently told that the goal of this course is to teach us to listen and lead in a new way - a completely different way, and to do this we were asked to suspend our usual way of working.  I was quick to note that this new and different way meant not using all the tools I use automatically in my ministry.  Decades worth of training and (now) automatic responses - set to the side.  Gently.  It took but seconds to realize that this left me with an empty tool box, and panic insued!  I think maybe a full minute passed before the pastors in the room started breathing again, as we all contemplated the enormity of this change.  And so I am in the process of setting aside (ever so gently) the tools of my life's work in order to try some new pastoral tools that might fit better in my soul.  I confess to no small amount of fear at this prospect, and know that the tools I've spent a lifetime using are being set aside, not destroyed.  I can pick them up again, should I choose to.  But it will be a choice, and not because they are the only tools I know.

So what does that have to do with 29 Parking Spaces?  Everything.  To recap my mobility conundrum - I live at the bottom of the hill.  Chapel is at the bottom of the hill.  Food is part way up the hill (but there are lots of parking options nearby).  Class is at the top of the hill, and there is limited parking up there.  Very limited parking.  If I can't park at the top of the hill, I will struggle to get to class, as it is impossible for me to walk up the hill.   Each day I have to drive to the top of the hill twice and hope there is a parking space.  All told, that means I have to get lucky 29 times and find a parking space (as of yesterday).  The thought of finding 29 parking spaces in this economy of scarcity was making my heart race, and causing me no small amount of anxiety.

But during a time of silence this morning, that Still Small Voice quietly reminded me that I did not have to find 29 parking spaces today - I only needed two today, and only needed one this morning.  Just one parking space this morning - that is all I needed.  I was also reminded by the ever patient and gentle Still Small Voice that I could trust that the same Spirit that led me here would not abandon me now but would also sustain me on this journey - one parking space at a time. 

Perhaps that same sustaining Spirit will gently relax my hands as they release their death grip on "how I've always approached ministry" and allow me to try some new tools - different tools - and possibly amazing tools.  What a blessing it is that God journeys with us right where we are - in the midst of all our "stuff" - and tenderly "gentles" us onward.

We closed worship tonight with a beautiful prayer song from the Iona Community, which says it all: 

"Take O take me as I am, summon out what I shall be, set your seal upon my heart and live in me."

And so may it be for us all.

With love and blessings,
Kim

Tears and Deer

If the worth of today is measured in resources acquired, then I could have gone back to the apartment by 10 am.  Within the first two hours, I had learned about a CE curriculum for preschool through elementary school that sounds remarkable, and had experienced a new style of worship that left me truly in awe.  I look forward to bringing these two resources home to my community.  Our course work this afternoon was first rate, and it confirmed again that I am indeed in the right program for me.

But the highlights for me today were not resources acquired or even knowledge gained - the highlights of this day could be found framing the schedule at the beginning and the end:  Worship.

8 am felt early to be heading for Montgomery Chapel after a restless night of little sleep, but as soon as I opened the door, the music gently lifted my soul and took me on a memorable journey.  Acoustic guitar and piano - with the guitarist providing the vocal support - and we were on our way!  I would diminish the experience by trying to describe it - my tears said it all.  They say that tears are the language of the heart, and my heart was overflowing both this morning, and this evening as we ended with communion.  Each day will begin and end like this - what a gift.  The approach to scripture reading and the homily was lectio divina, and it was done with a grace that was inspirational.  I didn't need the scripture passage to remind me that I was standing on Holy Ground - my heart knew.

Our morning was spent in retreat recounting the story of Moses and the burning bush - we looked at those burning bush experiences in ministry and tried to find words to describe that sense of being in the presence of the holy - and being called.  So many memories came to mind - not the least of which was the huge burning bush chandelier in the Chapel of Garioch Kirk, and all the love that surrounded it.  It was a day of feeling blessed (even while sitting for hours in lecture - something I haven't done for decades)!  They congratulated us at the end of the day, reminding us that one day in "intensive" was equal to a week in term.  My old bones didn't need to be told... and they rejoiced!

...so before I came home to crash tonight I sat outside of Alexander Hall looking at all the stairs leading up to the top of the hill.  Then all of a sudden I heard the sound of twigs snapping and leaves crunching...and out popped a small herd of deer who made their way up the stairs, one step at a time.   What a perfect use for all those stairs - and better them than me!

Holy Ground is everywhere - this earth is ablaze with the burning bushes that are never consumed.  God continues to place these "signposts" in our path to focus are attention.  If only we could resist all the petty distractions that catch our attention, and instead follow Moses' example and turn aside and see what God is doing in our midst... and stand with hearts and minds open on Holy Ground...the perfect place for transformation.

A reading from class today:  Days pass and the years vanish,
                                                   and we walk sightless among miracles.
                                              God, fill our eyes with seeing
                                                  and our minds with knowing;
                                             let there be moments when Your Presence,
                                                  like lightning,
                                                 illumines the darkness in which we walk.
                                             Help us to see, wherever we gaze,
                                                 that the bush burns unconsumed.
                                             And we, clay touched by God,
                                                 will reach out for holiness,
                                                 and exclaim in wonder:
                                             How filled with awe is this place,
                                                 and we did not know it.

                                            Blessed is the Eternal One, the Holy God!

                                           Chaim Stern, from Mishkan T'Filah, 
                                            A Reform Siddur-Shabbat,
                                            ed. by Elyse D. Frishman, Central Conference of
                                            American Rabbis, 207, 53 [171].
With love and blessings,
Kim

"Stairs" transformed

Orientation began at 4 pm in Alexander Hall - one of the buildings closest to the road.  By this morning I had categorized all the buildings by either their proximity to places where I could park a car, or how many stairs had to be climbed to reach the classroom - not how one should deal with the beauty of this campus.  Suffice it to say that I was well and truly stuck in the pragmatics of the situation.

When we arrived in the Bay area yesterday, the first thing we did was drive to San Anselmo so I could see the Seminary.  Now you'd think that, having known that SFTS is described as the "city on a hill," I would have grasped the "hill" part of that equation.  The apartment building I'm staying in is at the bottom of the hill.  And what a hill it is...I was so overwhelmed by the hill and the stairs that the first thought in my head was WHAT WAS I THINKING...I CAN'T DO THIS!  After we went to a cafe and had lunch, I was ready to try again.  This time my response was "oh dear...what was I thinking..."  By this morning I was ready to formulate a plan (what all good generals do), so we checked into the apartment (stairs) and went to the grocery store and brought groceries home (stairs) - poor Bill was like a pack mule - then headed over to register for the course (stairs) and then drove Bill back to San Jose so he could catch his plane and I could get back for orientation (traffic).  Allow me to digress for a moment - I had completely forgotten how fast people drive in California, and that the passing distance between cars is measured in millimeters.  Maybe that wasn't a digression after all - traffic and stairs... fear and inadequacy...
.
So I was thinking of stairs as orientation began in Alexander Hall (having just walked up them).  We began with a time of sharing, and Sam asked us to think about a recent time when we felt beloved of God - a time when we felt God was well pleased with us (referring back to the Markan baptismal story of Jesus).  As we sat in silence, I found myself thinking about the stairs - and I almost laughed out loud.  Here I was, beginning this amazing program in this beautiful setting with the opportunity to meet new colleagues and learn and grow, and the focus of my attention was fear - not love, grace, gratitude, or God.  When I focus on my fear of the stairs (and in looking inadequate by not being able to leap tall hillsides with a single bound) the fear is controlling my life - it is "driving my bus" and I'm a passenger on a very unhappy ride.  Fear was keeping me from smelling the camellias and from seeing the blessings all around me - and from focusing on God's loving presence in my life.  I waited a long time to find this program...my community sent me here to learn and grow and share with them what I learned...Bill hauled an entire suitcase of books through two airports and up a flight of (you know whats) to get me settled...David called to wish me well right before I headed for orientation... I am well and truly loved and blessed - and part of something larger than myself.  I could feel my heart soften and my breath deepen as I remembered that God had been loving me through others all along, and that the stairs - and the fears and inadequacy they represent - needn't be the focus of my attention. 

When orientation was done, Sam (the program director) expressed his concern about my mobility issues, and said that the Seminary could rent a golf cart if that would help me get around.  I started to laugh - which surprised him, as he didn't know the back story.  I thanked him, and told him I would let him know if that would be helpful.  "You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me (Psalm 139).

And now for truly amazing part of the story.  Since orientation ended an hour earlier than expected, I decided to head back to the apartment to unpack before the evening meal.  I parked in front of the apartment building, and as I was gathering up my things, I saw some adults with children and pets standing across the street.  As I walked towards the building, I noticed a man from that grouping staring at me - odd, I thought.  As I headed for the stairs, I heard footsteps coming my way, and this same man called out to me - "Excuse me, ma'am, were you a Vicar in Aberdeenshire?"  It turns out that I officiated at his wedding while I lived in Scotland.  His best man married a woman from San Anselmo, and the couple I married were over here for vacation.  They just happened to be out walking when I pulled up.  Within a minute I was engulfed in the warmth of hugs, appreciation and good wishes from this man, his wife and their best man - and an invitation to dinner when they all return from their trip to Tahoe.  They laughed about the "coincidence" of running in to me in San Anselmo.  I smiled and assured them that there was no luck involved in our meeting, and allowed myself to experience God's embrace and warmth through them. The only word that came to mind was "awesome."

"You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."  What a precious thing it is to remember that we are beloved of God, that God is well pleased with us and delights in us, and is amazingly creative in how that love can be shown.  It is so easy to miss God's loving embrace when we focus on fear.  I settle into that love tonight before my first full day of coursework begins - a day full of "stairs" from dawn until dusk.  May I learn to see the "stairs" through different eyes, and not be driven by fear and its companion, inadequacy.  May I settle into love, and trust that the love will be more than enough for whatever the "stairs" may bring.

May you also know and notice that love.  How our world would change if we saw ourselves and one another (friend, family, stranger and enemy)  as the beloved of God, and responded to all from hearts filled with love, not fear.

Sweet dreams,
Kim

Almost

It became real last night when I put the suitcases on the guest bed and looked at the mountain of books that will accompany me to San Francisco.  I have wanted to do advanced studies for a long time, but never felt the time was right - or that I was ready.  Seminary (back in the 80's) was one of the most exciting and challenging times of my life, but I tried to accomplish so much in so little time that I never had the chance to be steeped in the experience.  I was imprisoned in chronos (as one can be at 25) and ran from task to task.  Now I long for kairos.  Now the time is right.

I am most grateful to my congregation for blessing this journey, and for asking to join me as I open my heart and mind to the DMin experience.  This blog is for them, and for other friends who wish to journey with me.  For about five years I will be engaged in intensive learning and discovery, and like ripples in a pond, my community in Boise will be touched by this experience.  They have encouraged me to learn and come home with new ideas and inspiration for our shared journey - and to rest a bit while away.  I wrap their good wishes around me as I step into the unknown.

I begin this adventure with three areas of interest:  How can we at Boise First connect with the many people who call themselves "spiritual" but not religions?  How can I, as the Spiritual Leader of Boise First, provide wise spiritual guidance to my congregation (both to individuals and the congregation as a whole)?  And since my ministry of 28 years has been primarily with wounded and conflicted congregations, are there corporate spiritual practices that can be identified/developed to assist the healing journey of congregations?

But all these questions pale in the light of the bigger question:  Can I learn to see through the Eyes of the Weaver?

I will write again once I am settled in San Francisco.
A Blessed Epiphany to all!
With love,
Kim