Kindly blessings...

Tomorrow I begin a journey that will take me back in time some thirty years while also pointing me toward the future - and all while being acutely in the present.  Some parts of the journey will be very difficult, while others will bring great joy.  And rest - there will be a time for some deep rest.

All journeys bring a little trepidation (at least the ones I undertake).  As I settle into the unsettledness, I find myself becoming calmer (much nicer than when I try to escape the feelings).

I am sure that I will write again on Sunday, June 3rd, but between now and then my writing may be sporadic.  I will also be taking some rest from the keyboard, and technology.

I go with God - as do you.

In the words of a dear Scottish Prayer - May the Lord bless you, and bless you kindly.  Amen.

With love and blessings,
Kim

Undercurrent of Rest...

When you watch this river flow, you cannot see its undercurrent moving deep below, often in a direction different than water on the surface.  Yet, that strong, steady flow moves the river toward its destination.  In a similar way, God's deep, abiding love moves and carries you.  It gives you an invisible source of rest beneath the work.  People may notice your activity, but the undercurrent of rest gives your work power and vitality.  Rest provides freedom from care and worry and sin, a security that is rare in our culture.
- Susanne Vanzant Hassell - Pilgrim Walk in the Woods


...to experience that deep, undercurrent of rest...

...to be aware of that deep, undercurrent of rest that is present in each of us...

...to lean into that deep, undercurrent of rest that is present in each of us...

...to rest, and to be refreshed...this is my prayer for us all...

Blessings,
Kim

"Oned"

Just as expected, today was a new day, full of new opportunities and challenges.  In the midst of the parade of said Os & Ps, there was time to begin a fascinating book (Listening for the Soul by Jean Stairs), opportunity to keep up with my other reading, and time to write.

My reading today also reacquainted me with a word I hadn't seen in some time - "oned"

We were all created at the same time:  and in our creation we were knit and oned to God.  By this we are kept as luminous and noble as when we were created.  By the force of this precious oneing we love, seek, praise, thank and endlessly enjoy our Creator.  Julian of Norwich, Showings

I invite you to allow this image of being oned to God to settle in your soul, so you are free to express your luminous and noble identity.  Glow, dear friend - glow!

Blessings,
Kim

Acceptance, Part 2

Even difficult days come to an end, as this day will soon do.  I will sleep, and will awaken to a new day...to new challenges...to new opportunities.

A certain kind of wisdom does seem to come with the passing of years.  I remember a time when a difficult day felt as though it would last forever - like it was the end of the world.  Now they come and they go, with the next day (or hour or moment) bringing a different experience.  The key seems to be not clinging to whatever comes, be it joy or sorrow, but to hold it in open hands, and let it move through my heart in its own way, in its own time.

I remember as a child trying to hold water in my hands, and being disappointed that it always managed to slip away.  Little did I realize that holding with hands open was a model for how to face life and all its complexity.

So through open hands the joy and pain of today moves through my heart.  I will sleep, and awaken to a new day, with new challenges and opportunities.

And so will you...

Blessings,
Kim

Acceptance

I never cease to be amazed at how God speaks through any and all circumstances of life, and in unique ways that each individual can perceive.  One cannot begin to catalogue the vast range of God's creativity, and flexibility - there is no end to the ways in which God can communicate.

I experienced this personally today, as I found God - very clearly - reminding me that my job description, rooted in Benedictine Spirituality, does not include fixing, rescuing, and maintaining or creating structures for the sake of trying to advance an agenda (no matter how good or true or noble the agenda may be).  Instead, it involves meeting people where they are and ministering with them - not trying to drag them where I want them to be.   As counterintuitive as it sounds, acceptance is a necessary component in the process of transformation.

One of my favorite authors in the field of spiritual leadership, Joan Chittister, reminds me that spiritual leadership is a leavening process that encourages spiritual and psychological growth of the individual and community.  The leader believes in the best and gives people the opportunities to make the mistakes that lead to growth...allows the practices of worship and service and prayer to work their way until the piercing good of God rises in the individuals and community like yeast in bread...and leads individuals to spiritual adulthood where the individuals can make the kind of choices that give life depth and quality (Joan Chittister, The Rule of Benedict:  A Spirituality for the 21st Century).  



I end my work week humbled, and inspired, and most grateful for God's ever-present reminder of what really matters.

I will write again Sunday evening.  Until then,

Blessings,
Kim

Hamster Wheel Theology

I have often used the stationary hamster wheel as a metaphor for the pace and quality of modern life, with the knowledge that many of us are running as fast as we can in our little wheels.

As entertaining as it may be for those observing the hamster (and possibly for the hamster - who really knows what the hamster thinks), copying hamster behavior doesn't get us very far.  It can expend vast amounts of energy and resources, but in the end, it accomplishes very little, and we remain exactly where we started - running in our wheels...

...unless we choose to get out.

"But I can't stop running," we often say, "because of X or Y or Z."  There are always excellent reasons (read: excuses) for not getting out of the wheel.  But if we stop, and listen deeply, we will find that there are even better reasons for ending our participation in the hamster wheel marathon - even if leaving the wheel means doing things differently (read:  change).

Henri Nouwen liked to use the image of a wheel in describing the spiritual life, but the hamster wheel was not what he imagined:

   I think of life as a big wagon wheel with many spokes.  In the middle is the hub.  Often...it looks like
   we are running around the rim trying to reach everybody.  But God says, "Start in the hub; live in
   the hub.  Then you will be connected with all the spokes, and you won't have to run so fast."
       Henri Nouwen, as quoted in Pilgrim Walk in the Woods, by Susanne Vanzant Hassell

Begin and live in the center - the core - and move outward through there - remaining connected with the center of our being (which is God).  This creates a mode of being that is efficient, effective, and energizing - and unlike racing in yon hamster wheel, the scenery changes.  And things happen.

I think the wagon wheel provides far more potential for the spiritual life than the stationary hamster wheel, and I'm happy to trade my custom designed fully equipped and well used HW in for something more useful.

What about you?  Are you ready to stop running in place, and step out into a new reality?

Blessings,
Kim

Enoughness

Today began with a moment of unexpected grace, followed by another...and then another...and then an experience requiring deep breathing, flexibility and yet another adjustment...followed by thankfulness for the early morning experience of grace.  It was just enough - just enough to help see me through the bumps and bruises of the day.

It was all I needed today.

I am mystified by how the equation stays balanced - just enough, no more, no less.  More would be brilliant, and at times in life there is an overflowing abundance of grace that sweeps all the negativity out of the way like the Boise River during spring run off.  At other times it reminds me of the Kern River during a California drought.  I can remember being in Bakersfield during the early '90s, and being driven around by a member of the search committee.  We came up on the bridge passing over the Kern River with signs posted about drowning hazards etc - and their wasn't a drop of water in the river.  It was bone dry.  My young son leaned over to me and said "drowning hazard - what do people do here ...throw themselves into the dust and suffocate themselves?"  Sometimes it doesn't feel like there is enough grace to meet the challenge; like we are face down in the dry riverbed.

Then there are the days when it is just enough, and no more.  I rest in that enoughness tonight like I do at the end of a workout in the rehab pool.  My last exercise involves balancing in the water with little movement - just allowing the water to hold me up - just enough to keep my head above water, and no more.  Completely still - being held by the water...like being held by grace.

Just enough.

What was your experience of grace today - was it a swiftly flowing river, a bone dry riverbed, or just enough?

Resting with my head above the water - just,
Kim

Learning a new skill...

In his latest book entitled Breathing Under Water, Richard Rohr quotes the poem that inspired the title and theme of his book.  I find that both the book, and the poem, have much wisdom to share:

"Breathing Under Water" by Carol Bieleck, R.S.C.J.

I built my house by the sea.
Not on the sands, mind you;
not on the shifting sand.
And I built it of rock.
A strong house 
by a strong sea.
And we got well acquainted, the sea and I.
Good neighbors.
Not that we spoke much.
We met in silences.
Respectful, keeping our distance,
but looking our thoughts across the fence of sand.
Always, the fence of sand our barrier,
always, the sand between.


And then one day,
- and I still don't know how it happened -
the sea came.
Without warning.


Without welcome, even
Not sudden and swift, but a shifting across the sand
   like wine,
less like the flow of water than the flow of blood.
Slow, but coming.
Slow, but flowing like an open wound.
And I thought of flight and I thought of drowning
   and I thought of death.
And while I thought the sea crept higher, till it
   reached my door.
And I knew then, there was neither flight, nor death,
   nor drowning.
That when the sea comes calling you stop being
   neighbors
Well acquainted, friendly-at-a-distance, neighbors
And you give your house for a coral castle,
And you learn to breathe underwater.


Taking under water breathing lessons,
Kim

Soul Food

I am on a quest to identify those qualities/experiences that consistently nourish my soul, and build them into my daily life.

Thus far, I have been extraordinarily unsuccessful in my quest.  Fortunately, I do not give up easily.

But the even better news is that God does not give up - period.  So this morning, instead of being awakened by the sound of the alarm clock (which I hate, and therefore awaken minutes before it sounds so I can turn it off), I was greeted instead by the sound of an owl.  I almost fell out of bed trying to get to the window to see if I could see if - no sighting.  Just the call - the haunting call.  I haven't heard an owl since the winter of 2006 in Chapel of Garioch.  Owl medicine is very powerful in my life, and to hear that call absolutely made my day.  It took me back to many native myths, and to the beautiful story of Gwinna, which has been a personal metaphor throughout these last ten years.  Oh, to find my wings and fly...

Of all the places I've lived that left me feeling divorced from the natural world, this is the second hardest place (NYC being the first).  Living in a suburban subdivision has been my working definition of hell for most of my adult life.  Too much light clutter to see the stars; too much traffic noise to hear only bird song.  Even my resident red winged jazz band has to ramp it up to be heard over the cars.  But at 5 am, the owl had no competition - even in Meridian.

As experiences in nature are a main source of my soul food, I headed out tonight to spend some time with the moon.  I usually take these trips solo, but even Bill was intrigued by what he might find.  We drove east to the Stagecoach exit off I 84, and there was the moon climbing slowly above the horizon.  Bill played with the camera, and I just sat and drank it in.  Not quite the same as when I saw it rise over the great plains - as it inched up the horizon it was a size and color that took my breath away.  Tonight brought beauty on a smaller scale - but still lovely.  Beginning and ending my day in nature was a good step in my quest for healthy soul food.

I cannot live at the monastery, nor can I live in the first meadow of the East Inlet trail in the Kawuneeche Valley of Rocky Mountain National Park.  I cannot live up in Stanley gazing at the Sawtooths and I cannot live in silence and solitude in a cabin in the woods.  I have yet to figure out how to schedule my day so I can keep the Daily Office of prayer and reading (unless I'm on vacation or up at the Monastery).  I haven't woven since November.  My soul hungers for the experiences that sustain it, and not the over-processed and over-refined fast food that makes up most of its diet.

I am on a quest to see that my daily life contains those soul-feeding experiences that will bring much needed balance and health into my life.  And I am most grateful that in this kind of quest, past failure is not a predictor of future outcome.

What sustains you in a healthy and life-giving way?  Is your soul regularly nourished by such things, or is your soul diet deficient in some areas?

Blessings,
Kim

Recalculating...

I've been wanting to re-arrange the books in my office for months.  When I arrived in Boise, the goal was to get the books out of the boxes and on to the shelves.  Now it is time to place them more intentionally - so that they are easier to use.

I cleared off several shelves and piled the books on my desk, taking a moment to become re-acquainted with these old friends.  Many played key roles in helping to open my thinking and provide me with tools for my craft.  A few can now go to a library where others can read them.  One came home with me -  a book I remember reading as I teen, that I read again during my training years, and that now calls to me again.  I haven't read Fromm for decades, but To Have Or To Be beckons me again.

Perhaps the attraction is my growing awareness of the need to just be myself, after many decades of focusing on meeting the expectations of others.  Accepting that it is more than ok to be "me" is not an easy transition for a person with a hyperactive caretaking gene.  Nor does it help to have been professionally trained by my family of origin in meeting the needs and expectations of others.  Marry all of this to a religions vocation and the possibility exists to completely lose oneself in meeting the needs and expectations of others.  The combination allowed me to be very "successful" as a pastor to highly conflicted churches.  But at a cost...

This is not what Jesus was talking about when teaching that you find yourself in losing yourself.  Nor is this the Buddhist teaching of no self.  But it is what untold number of people (often women) have been  taught to believe is honorable.  But it is a lie.

It is in truly knowing ourselves - through living from our core - that we can live and love and serve in an authentic and integrated way.  If you find these words resonating within your heart, I will not cheapen this awareness by saying that the journey is easy or without cost.  It is a very difficult and often costly journey.  But it is worth any sacrifice, because in the end, it brings wholeness.

We put off so much in life - visiting relatives, writing letters, going back to school, finding a new job.  But one thing stays with us always, present whether pursued or not, and that is the call to the center of ourselves where the God we are seeking is seeking us.  Benedict says, Listen today.  Start now.  Begin immediately to direct your life to that small, clear voice within. - Joan Chittister, The Rule of Benedict: A Spirituality for the 21st Century


Here is the most amazing thing - it is through going to the center of ourselves and meeting God there that we can truly see ourselves for who we are.  We don't find our truth, or our answers, or ourselves, or God out there - instead, we find it all within.

If you've been looking for yourself or your truth or your answers or God out there, it's time for your GPS to recalculate and send you in the right direction - within.  And once you have made the journey to the center of your soul, then you will find the strength, courage and clarity for true service.

I will write again Sunday evening.  Until then -

Traveling mercies,
Kim

Strawberry Deficiency

It's an old parable, but Pema tells it well:

A woman is running from tigers.  She runs and she runs, and the tigers are getting closer and closer.  She comes to the edge of a cliff.  She sees a vine there, so she climbs down and holds on to it.  Then she looks down and sees that there are tigers below her as well.  At the same time, she notices a little mouse gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging.  She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries emerging from a nearby clump of grass.  She looks up, she looks down, and she looks at the  mouse.  Then she picks a strawberry, pops it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly.


This might be the only moment of our life, this might be the only strawberry we'll ever eat.  We could feel depressed about this or we could finally appreciate it.  We could delight in the preciousness of every single moment.
     - Pema Chodron, Comfortable With Uncertainty


It was a tigers and mice day, without a doubt.  I am very, very tired - that soul kind of tired that goes beyond exhaustion and points to the quality of the day, not necessarily the quantity of hours work (although in this case, quantity definitely exceeded manufacturer's specs for body and soul).  But my state of being tonight is not a direct result of the tigers and mice, but is due instead to a strawberry deficiency.
I never stopped to be refilled and nourished - I just kept running to and hanging over the cliff, as a way to survive the tigers.

Silly me - these days always end the same way, unless we stop to savor the strawberries.

Did you get your strawberry today?

With love,
Kim

Happy Birthday Mrs. C.

Happy birthday, Mrs Cooper.  Today has always been our day.  When I was about eight years old, I was invited to be part of the "Pal" program at the church of my childhood.  Women of the church were paired up with young girls to be their "pals" (today we'd say mentors).  Mrs.  C. never had children (due to her own health issues), and I became her adopted daughter.  My family life was extremely chaotic, and so I was blessed to have her as my spiritual mother.

I loved to walk the five blocks to her home, where we'd sit at her kitchen table looking out at the garden and talking about everything!  We'd sip tea and eat cookies, sometimes we'd read the Bible together, and she would help me take my questions about life and look for God's presence in them.

She had the patience of a saint, for I was not an easy child.  Life had already taught me some bitter lessons, and I wasn't afraid to ask some hard questions.  She never flinched (like my Pastor did), nor did she feel the need to defend God.  She had enough respect for God to let God fend for Godself while she held open a safe space for me to just be me.  In many ways, she saved my life.  And she certainly played a key role in nurturing my vocation (which put her out on a very high limb as the ordination of women was anathema in this congregation).

Both of our birthdays are in May, so she introduced me to Lily of the Valleys and called them "our flowers."  She always had a healthy patch growing in her wondrous garden, and it was such a treat to find a small bouquet of them waiting for me on my birthday.

I have planted our flowers everyplace I have lived, including Boise.  Today I went out and picked a pip and just allowed myself to inhale its sweet fragrance, and wished Mrs. C a happy birthday.

Never underestimate your ability to positively influence the life of another.  All it takes is a willingness to open yourself to love - and to be present with the other person.  I am here today because Mrs. C. was willing to do that for me.

Are you willing to do that for someone?  Are you willing to perhaps help to save a life - just by being you?

Happy Birthday, Mrs. C.  And thank you - just for being you.
Much love,
Kim







Who's life have you touched recently?