You know that "stuck" feeling you get when you try to tighten a nut onto a screw when it isn't threaded onto the screw properly...ditto for a jar lid...STUCK!
Why is our initial reaction to try to tighten it more, instead of stopping and releasing the pressure?
Force is a crude intervention. Flow is better.
My post-migraine brain thinks that this might apply to more things than just the batten on my loom beater, or a jar of peanut butter. It certainly applies to relationships: You will love me! I must forgive them! She needs to address this now or else! Stuck Lid Syndrome - force it, and the stuckness increases.
It most certainly applies to personal growth and healing: OK - I am done feeling broken and want to be healed and whole now. I will take all the steps/do all the things/read all the books/practice all the exercises so I can heal and be whole NOW. Am I not making myself clear - do I have to try harder? MAYBE INCREASE MY EFFORT? INTENSITY? (clearly that doesn't work).
It absolutely applies to churches: Force a church to change - really? Even if it is desired change - doesn't matter. Change isn't necessarily what churches resist - it is the torque applied to achieve that change that (I think) fuels resistance. And torque can take many forms - including the most wonderful plans - even plans with buy-in.
Part of my problem is the dynamic of intermittent reinforcement. If I try something ten times and coincidence results in a success in one instance when I am applying force, then some corner of my primitive brain makes an unhelpful connection and encourages me to use this approach in any/all situations. I will absolutely force myself to eat three servings of fruit and four serving of veggies every day. I will do my pt exercises three times a day without fail. I WILL STOP WORRYING! (uh huh - try again).
What if force is indeed a crude intervention that works occasionally, probably by coincidence, but usually results in greater stuckness - no matter what the arena? Is flow - going with God's Spirit and finding that amazing resonance and release - really the answer?
My Protestant-work-ethic-ACOA-hyper-responsible-maternal-messiah-brain finds the concepts of release, surrender and abandonment to be...well...wrong! DANGEROUS! IRRESPONSIBLE. After all, I am supposed to do something! NOW!
What a lie! All my experience (data) demonstrates again and again that it is through relaxing into God's Spirit that positive things happen - good stuff gets done. Force achieves the opposite result.
So today I relax into the flow of God's Spirit, even with a chorus of angry P-W-E-ACOA-H-R-M-M-B voices telling me I should bla bla bla. The word "should" is their tell - it always gives them away. Let them shout - they will tire themselves out (or the healthy voices in the chorus will make judicious use of duct tape, and a different dynamic requiring intervention will emerge), and all will be well. I cannot make them stop shouting (force), but I can choose whether or not I am going to listen.
They have nothing new to say, and what they say doesn't work. Time to listen to the music of the Spirit.
Releasing,
Kim
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Hope after the Redline Samba
Migraines clear a calendar like heavy rains clear the air after fire season. No matter how much I want to resist it/fight it/deny it/refuse to give in to it, eventually it overwhelms me and wins, and sends me (literally) to a place of darkness, quiet, and calm. Figuratively, too - it packs a lot of value into one nasty headache.
Surrender. I came back from the epiphany of retreat and, without missing a beat, immediately picked up the frying pan/fire two-step as though the music had never stopped. God bless my body - it will only tolerate this redline samba for so long before the inflammation sets even the vessels in my brain on fire and I am forced to STOP. Dark glasses. Nausea and pain meds washed down with a caffeinated beverage, followed by a dark, quiet room and SILENCE. Breathing. Stillness. Peace.
Surrender. And then perspective. I went there again - (damn! why didn't I catch this sooner - see where I was headed, stop this before...) - I went there again - (it's ok - patterns formed over a lifetime do not shift in a day - or month - or year - or decade? - rest - breathe deeply - you are fine - you are getting it - you are learning to be you. Not the you you are supposed to be, but the real you - the soul you. It's ok - it is a spiral dance - and as you go around the spiral, passing again through the "stuff" you keep going, and...) - I went there again - to that experience of God's renewing presence. And I am refreshed.
Eventually a dim light is turned on (both literally and figuratively), and I reach for my glasses and a book - Anne Lamott's "Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair." I smile, and I cry. And cry some more. And gasp with recognition - like when you unexpectedly see your reflection and get SURPRISED by yourself - and smile - the deep kind of smile that starts in the place fitness geeks call the "core" and radiates out as far as the ends of my hair. From now on I think I'll call that a body smile - no crunches required. With refreshed soul, I find myself propped up in bed, and writing for the first time in almost a month. That is a very hopeful sign.
It is good to feel hope, for there is so much, even in the most trying of circumstances, that is worthy of hope. And joy. And gratitude. Thank you, migraine.
Now if only I can remember these new dance steps...
Body smiling,
Kim
Surrender. I came back from the epiphany of retreat and, without missing a beat, immediately picked up the frying pan/fire two-step as though the music had never stopped. God bless my body - it will only tolerate this redline samba for so long before the inflammation sets even the vessels in my brain on fire and I am forced to STOP. Dark glasses. Nausea and pain meds washed down with a caffeinated beverage, followed by a dark, quiet room and SILENCE. Breathing. Stillness. Peace.
Surrender. And then perspective. I went there again - (damn! why didn't I catch this sooner - see where I was headed, stop this before...) - I went there again - (it's ok - patterns formed over a lifetime do not shift in a day - or month - or year - or decade? - rest - breathe deeply - you are fine - you are getting it - you are learning to be you. Not the you you are supposed to be, but the real you - the soul you. It's ok - it is a spiral dance - and as you go around the spiral, passing again through the "stuff" you keep going, and...) - I went there again - to that experience of God's renewing presence. And I am refreshed.
Eventually a dim light is turned on (both literally and figuratively), and I reach for my glasses and a book - Anne Lamott's "Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair." I smile, and I cry. And cry some more. And gasp with recognition - like when you unexpectedly see your reflection and get SURPRISED by yourself - and smile - the deep kind of smile that starts in the place fitness geeks call the "core" and radiates out as far as the ends of my hair. From now on I think I'll call that a body smile - no crunches required. With refreshed soul, I find myself propped up in bed, and writing for the first time in almost a month. That is a very hopeful sign.
It is good to feel hope, for there is so much, even in the most trying of circumstances, that is worthy of hope. And joy. And gratitude. Thank you, migraine.
Now if only I can remember these new dance steps...
Body smiling,
Kim
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Home
All is dark and quiet here on the Camas Prairie. The retreatants have left to return home to Boise, Mountain Home and Idaho Falls, and I have one last night to collect my thoughts before heading back to the other aspects of my ministry.
The past few days have been full - overflowing - abundant - amazing. What a joy to be in the company of seven courageous women who don't flinch when looking at the hard questions of life:
How do I experience God's love?
What is healthy for me (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally)?
How much is enough?
How do I rest?
How do I embody God's love and share it?
(and a question added by one in the group) - Who am I, and what am I doing that makes me that?
They willingly joined me in trying new spiritual disciplines, bravely engaged the questions on their heart, and created a safe and loving community for one another - what a privilege to facilitate such an experience!
It has been a very long time since I've led this kind of retreat (as opposed to visioning, conflict resolution, diversity training, leadership development, and ministry discernment and development). Sigh - sometimes you don't see how skewed the picture has become until you get enough distance and perspective to view it clearly. My ministry has been way out of balance - I have been dancing to tunes played by others, instead of dancing to God's music in my soul.
As I listened to these amazing women do their spiritual work, I realized that I was getting a precious gift from journeying with them:
I was getting my life and my ministry back.
All it takes is for me to be myself - not who others want, need, demand, or expect me to be, but who God created me to be - me! No more apologies and contorting my soul to meet all these other expectations. Not only is it ok for me to be myself - it is exactly how it is meant to be!
And throughout the cosmos there was a great sigh of relief and shout for joy, for she who had been lost finally found her way home.
Celebrating God's grace,
Kim
The past few days have been full - overflowing - abundant - amazing. What a joy to be in the company of seven courageous women who don't flinch when looking at the hard questions of life:
How do I experience God's love?
What is healthy for me (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally)?
How much is enough?
How do I rest?
How do I embody God's love and share it?
(and a question added by one in the group) - Who am I, and what am I doing that makes me that?
They willingly joined me in trying new spiritual disciplines, bravely engaged the questions on their heart, and created a safe and loving community for one another - what a privilege to facilitate such an experience!
It has been a very long time since I've led this kind of retreat (as opposed to visioning, conflict resolution, diversity training, leadership development, and ministry discernment and development). Sigh - sometimes you don't see how skewed the picture has become until you get enough distance and perspective to view it clearly. My ministry has been way out of balance - I have been dancing to tunes played by others, instead of dancing to God's music in my soul.
As I listened to these amazing women do their spiritual work, I realized that I was getting a precious gift from journeying with them:
I was getting my life and my ministry back.
All it takes is for me to be myself - not who others want, need, demand, or expect me to be, but who God created me to be - me! No more apologies and contorting my soul to meet all these other expectations. Not only is it ok for me to be myself - it is exactly how it is meant to be!
And throughout the cosmos there was a great sigh of relief and shout for joy, for she who had been lost finally found her way home.
Celebrating God's grace,
Kim
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Turkeygram, or Dances with Dragonflies
My world is both contracted and expanded today - contracted due to pain, and expanded due to God's ability to widen even the view from my window.
I missed chapel this morning due to pain that made the prospect of the short walk to the chapel seem eight miles long. Instead, I fully opened the window blinds and curled up in the glider for morning prayers. As I finished my prayers, I was startled by movement outside my window, and looked up to see four magnificent wild turkeys right outside my window. They were amazing! They hopped up onto the railing at the footbridge, and spend several minutes preening and stretching in the sunshine. Then they hopped down and headed across the field.
In native and popular folk medicine, turkeys are seen as messengers who bring four truths into awareness:
- The importance of the sacrifice of self for a higher purpose/greater good
- Understanding of the gift of giveaway
- Invitation to honor the Earth Mother
- Messenger of harvest bounties
Which message if for me? In time, I will know.
Dragonflies have kept me company all afternoon as I prepare for the arrival of the retreatants. This is the first spiritual retreat I have led since coming to Idaho (it has been a long time...). I opened it to our UCC Conference and Association, but only two churches expressed interest (and one is the church I serve). But I feel hopeful, as together we will take come time to deepen our awareness of God's love.
I love leading retreats - I do the prep work and facilitate the sessions, but then I step back and let the real Director of the Retreat engage in transforming work with each retreatant. God never disappoints....
Dancing with the dragonflies,
Kim
I missed chapel this morning due to pain that made the prospect of the short walk to the chapel seem eight miles long. Instead, I fully opened the window blinds and curled up in the glider for morning prayers. As I finished my prayers, I was startled by movement outside my window, and looked up to see four magnificent wild turkeys right outside my window. They were amazing! They hopped up onto the railing at the footbridge, and spend several minutes preening and stretching in the sunshine. Then they hopped down and headed across the field.
In native and popular folk medicine, turkeys are seen as messengers who bring four truths into awareness:
- The importance of the sacrifice of self for a higher purpose/greater good
- Understanding of the gift of giveaway
- Invitation to honor the Earth Mother
- Messenger of harvest bounties
Which message if for me? In time, I will know.
Dragonflies have kept me company all afternoon as I prepare for the arrival of the retreatants. This is the first spiritual retreat I have led since coming to Idaho (it has been a long time...). I opened it to our UCC Conference and Association, but only two churches expressed interest (and one is the church I serve). But I feel hopeful, as together we will take come time to deepen our awareness of God's love.
I love leading retreats - I do the prep work and facilitate the sessions, but then I step back and let the real Director of the Retreat engage in transforming work with each retreatant. God never disappoints....
Dancing with the dragonflies,
Kim
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