When?

And now a word from the balance specialists:

Benedictine spirituality is about caring for the people you live with and loving the people you don't and loving God more than yourself.  Benedictine spirituality depends on listening for the voice of God everywhere in life, especially in one another and here.  An ancient tale from another tradition tells that a disciple asked the Holy One,

"Where shall I look for Enlightenment?"

"Here," the Holy One said.

"When will it happen?"

"It is happening right now," the Holy One said.

"Then why don't I experience it?"

"Because you do not look," the Holy One said.

"What should I look for?"

"Nothing," the Holy One said.  "Just look."

"At what?"

"Anything your eyes alight upon," the Holy One said.

"Must I look in a special kind of way?"

"No," the Holy One said.  "The ordinary way will do."

"But don't I always look the ordinary way?"

"No," the Holy One said.  "You don't."

"Why ever not?" the disciple demanded.

"Because to look you must be here," the Holy One said.  "You're mostly somewhere else."

...We must learn to listen to what God is saying in our simple, sometimes insane, and always uncertain lives.   

    - Joan Chittister, The Rule of Benedict:  A Spirituality for the 21st Century

We look for complicated pathways to God and complex equations to provide answers to life's basic questions.  In the end, it all comes down to the incredibly difficult task of listening and being present.  

Listening and being present open us to the only place where we can possibly experience God - now.

Now.

Accept the invitation.  Listen, and be present - Now.

With love,

Kim

Stroll...

So many experiences caught my attention today - freezing me fully in the moment and allowing me to savor the experience.  They included:

- the first observed hot air balloon lifting up near the foothills as I drove to work early this morning
- candid and heartfelt sharing during first worship
- the "buzz" during worship at 10 am - it was magical!
- watching members of Cantate enraptured by the Tintinnabulators (visiting children's vocal choir and home adult bell choir)
- and a congregation enraptured by the sound of Cantate (previously mentioned children's vocal choir)
- Cantate members deeply touched by the experience of worship - by a different kind of worship
- the sound of silence (sweet!)
- finding out that members of the youth group listen to my sermons
- an incredible time with the youth group, and a reminder of an aspect of ministry that I deeply miss
(coordinating the educational ministry of a church)
- listening to the youth share, dream, enquire about my well-being, problem solve - all reminders that
we are in good hands with the future leaders of this world
- the fragrance of Lily of the Valley from the garden - heaven!

There were rough spots today as well as blessings - some very hard moments.  In fact, there are two choices that will not go down as victories, but fall under the heading of "begin again."  But by the end of the day they seemed to balance out, so I'm ready to call it good.  I probably would have reached the same decision had things not balanced out - I seem to be a "cup half full" kind of person.

Balance - how do we find the balance between celebrating the blessings yet acknowledging the difficulties...the pain?  And when our choices are not consistent with our intentions and values, how do we forgive ourselves and begin again?  How do we allow mercy and grace to replace judgment in a healthy and holy way?

One moment of grace and self-compassion at a time...

Slowly walking the talk,
Kim

To Touch God...

Tender God touch us.
Be touched by us;
make us lovers of humanity,
compassionate friends of all creation.
Gracious God, hear us into speech;
speak us into acting;
and through us, recreate the world.
Amen
- Carter Heyward

Driving back to Boise is my re-entry phase of the journey.  I leave the place that sustains, affirms, and supports the rhythms that heal my soul and invite me into balance, and drive back into another part of my life.  I am the same person in both places, except that in one place I am in balance and feel integrated and whole, and in the other I struggle to stay open and present to God's touch.

I accept the responsibility of cultivating those qualities from the Monastery that hear me into speech and speak me into action in a way that is consistent with that beautiful balance and middle way that is so much a part of Benedictine spirituality - and life with God.  I accept the responsibility of being myself. 

The temptation, of course, is to just fall back into the familiar patterns.  Can I resist?

Can you?

I will write again Sunday evening.  Until then, may you identify what helps you to experience God's touch, and the ways in which you touch God.  And may you find joy and meaning in the sacred encounter.

With love and prayers,
Kim

Strrrettttchiiinggggg

Today was the hard day of the retreat.  God is merciful in that first I experience the warmth and love of God's presence, and then I deal with the realizations that stretch me.  Hard. 

I remember the fun of stretching when I was 10 and in ballet class.  Now stretching involves listening to my arthritic joints crack and complain.  The fact that it is good for them and they will feel all the better for it means nothing mid-stretch.  It just hurts.

Spiritual stretching can hurt, too.  Letting go can hurt (crack).   Embracing change and new understandings can hurt (groan).  Settling into acceptance can hurt (ouch).  Knowing that my soul will feel all the better for it means nothing mid-stretch.  It just hurts.

And then after my stretching sessions I settle into the loving arms of God and rock by this window, watching the birds and trees and never-ending sky.  I put a spiritual ice pack on my sore heart, feel the warmth of the quilt around me, and know that all is well.

Today my "truth - love - time" mantra got a second verse:  "trust - pray - be."

Indeed.

Watching the evening rush at the moving bird bath outside my window - and offering thanks,
Kim

Slowing down to the speed of God...

As a child I was fascinated by this notion of the speed of light - this amazing, mind bending speed that was so much "cooler" than the speed of sound.  Our culture supports and encourages all things fast - after all, isn't instant gratification one of the perks of being a developed nation?  Water - turn on the faucet.  Lights - flip a switch.  Too hot or too cold - adjust the thermostat.  Food - microwave or drive thru.  Question - internet, where you can hop on the information superhighway and travel at whatever speed your provider will support.

Once I arrive on retreat, it takes me about a full twenty-four hours to slow down to the speed of God.

Deep sigh.  This speed is so much better.  It is also the speed of the heart (unlike the speed mine has been racing at recently).  It is the speed of healing...of reflective presence...it is the speed of health and renewal. 

I see so much more at this speed - am aware of God's presence in a more vivid way (instead of seeing it as a blur through the windscreen).  God's humor is more apparent, as is God's creative brilliance.  And God's nurturing presence is everywhere...

I had let go of the discipline of the Daily Office readings after my return from SFTS in January (too busy).  So after a long hiatus, I started again last night.  And what was the first reading assigned for the day?  Exodus 18: 13-27.  God's affirmation came through loud and clear - it was like being enveloped in the arms of a beloved mentor/parent.  Today after spiritual direction I came back to my room with a question on my heart.  When the bells rang for chapel, I turned to the second reading of the day, and found the answer to the question I hadn't even asked aloud.  I am forever amazed at how God can speak through scripture, and through others, and through clouds, and through birds bathing in the creek now swiftly passing my window...God has an infinite number of ways of speaking, and is always speaking.  And yet, when I am distracted with other things, it is as if God is silent.  How sad!

If you ask me what I did today, the list would be very short.  I did answer a few emails from church, and I spent an hour on the phone with the dietitian who is working with me to craft an eating plan that will address the health difficulties I now face.  I spent precious time with my spiritual director,  and went over to the Monastery twice for meals.  The rest of the time? 

The rest of the time was spent in the rocker in front of the window (sometimes wrapped up in a quilt) just resting in God's presence, and enjoying time with the One who is the source of all life...the source of my life.

It doesn't get any better than that.

At peace,
Kim

I misplaced my agenda...

I am sitting in front of the window in the Jerome and Paula Room of the Spirit Center.  From here I look East across the Camas Prairie towards what I think is the Bitterroot Range, or some such mountains that lead to Montana.  Immediately outside the window are trees filled with birds, a small creek with a bridge, and big sky.  Sigh.

The first thing I always do when I arrive in my room is move the gliding chair right in front of the window.  The second thing I do is raise the blinds on the floor-to-ceiling window all the way to the top, so I can see every bit of sky.  Then I sit back in the chair, take a deep breath...and just sit and gaze at God's beautiful creation.

When I got out of the car tonight I thought I had been transported forward in time to August.  The heat, bugs, and stillness in the air reminded me of high summer.  The drive was uneventful, but took much longer than usual.    I did not have the stamina for a reprise of my "road warrior" persona,  so instead I puddled my way up here, stopping more frequently than ever before, and driving at a speed that would have embarrassed my family of origin.  Bill offered to drive me here (knowing that I'm not feeling all that well), but there was a part of me that wanted to see if I could still do it - could manage a small road trip with bags full of books (or is that baggage?) and arrive in one piece.  And I did.

My bird friends are here, and have greeted me warmly.  I have plenty of projects to do and a stack of books to attack.  And a paper to write.  And a course assignment to do - should I feel led to work.

And, of course, birds and a wee creek to watch.

Normally I go over to chapel three times a day for services - it is a very important rhythm for me.  This time, though, I'm not sure.  I pray fairly well right in front of this window, so this is as far as I might get.  I brought plenty of sodium free, fat free, low protein, oxalate free (taste free - ooops, sorry) food, so I can eat my meals in the little lounge next to my room without walking over to the Monastery - should I choose to.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.   At 6 am I will speak with the folks at Duke who lead this program I've enrolled in to learn new healthy ways of taking care of my heart.  It will be my first conference, so I'm a bit excited about that.  Mercifully, the calls will be each Tuesday at 7 am when I'm back in Boise!  And I'll have a session with my spiritual director while I'm here, which is always a joy.

I normally come on retreat with an agenda (items needing discernment, work to do (which I did bring), new prayer techniques to learn etc, but not this time.  This time God can take my retreat in whatever direction God chooses.  If that means not opening a book and spending long hours praying and napping in front of this window, so be it (although I'll need some heavenly assistance with the guilt...).

In the words of one of my favorite prayer songs:  "The time has come - the time is now to stop and feel the pull of the Lord.  O Shepherd speak to me." May God speak in whatever way God chooses - both to me, and to you.

Watching the wee creek gently pass by my window -
Kim

Power Tools

I am feeling very mortal today.  Despite the best of intentions, some very good self care, and clearly documented progress in the making some key health-promoting changes, it all fell apart today at a most inopportune time - during worship.  I have no warning prior to the arrhythmia kicking in (at least none I've been able to detect), and so off it went, and there I was trying to maintain a sense of calm and control when my heart was clearly out of control.  I started coughing, kept trying to breathe deeply, and prayed that it would pass quickly. 

And it passed - not quickly enough, but it did pass.  I got through it, even though it happened in the middle of the sermon.  So here is where I start counting my blessings - I wasn't preaching today!  Instead, I got to enjoy a most beautiful sight - an emerging vocation.  Nothing touches a preacher's heart like watching a vocation emerge in another person (even this ill-beating heart of mine).

I am mellowing (shock!), which may be enough to prove the efficacy of prayer.  What once invited anger (personal illness) now produces acceptance and compassion 95% of the time (easier, I confess,  when illness doesn't present during worship).  Instead of plastering on my "game face" and proving to myself that I am invincible, I finished the service, greeted some folk at the door, and then headed to the office without making what would have been a sacrificial pass through the dining room to "meet and greet" and prove that I could do it.  I went to my office and put my head on my desk, and then quietly did paperwork.  The feelings were still there (guilt, inadequacy) as was the internal chorus ("just tough it out - its just a minor problem - deal with it and stop being such a wimp").  I didn't even get angry with the chorus - instead I gave them a hug and let them be.  They were so shocked that they didn't know what to do!  And so they stopped talking, and I had inner peace.  Amazing!

Compassion and acceptance (not anger or judgment) empowers change.  Loving myself and being kind to myself has motivated more change (in a shorter period of time) than years worth of angry "drill sergeant" self-talk ever produced.  Jesus and the Buddhists got it right!

I count today's self-encounter as a wee miracle, and offer thanks for the strength and transformative power of compassion and acceptance.  Directed inward, it shifts deeply entrenched patterns.  Directed outward, it changes the world.

Compassion and acceptance - two of the most powerful forces in our reality.  How are they at work in your life?

If I am able, I will be on retreat for the next several days.  I will probably write while on retreat, as my ability to sense God's activity is always heightened during retreat.  But if I don't write until Thursday evening, please know that I've been led into deep silence, and will write again when I emerge.

Blessings,
Kim

Undoneness

Last night we were offered an amazing opportunity - out of the blue - completely unexpected - not anywhere on my radar.  I did some digging, and concluded that this would be an excellent opportunity for the church community.  Since this was unexpected, and needed to be addressed NOW, a significant part of my day was spent doing the work to make this opportunity happen.  Because of what happened last night and today, worship a week from Sunday will be an amazing experience (I think).  At least I hope so.

But tonight my heart is filled with grief, because in order to make this very good opportunity happen, I had to leave undone some very good things that also needed to be done.

I find it is not the things I do that leave me wishing I could kneel in contrition, but it is the things left undone that break my heart and cause the pieces to pray the familiar Confession from the Book of Common Prayer.  And as I have been unsuccessful in finding ways to see that these very good things are done by others or in other ways, they truly are left undone.  I feel the "undoneness" as a weight that presses down on my shoulders, and as a sharp edge within my chest - right around my heart.  Is has shape and size - it is like a physical presence.

I know - no person can do all that needs to be done.  I understand (intellectually) that both work hours in the day and personal resources are finite, and therefore things will be left undone.  But try as I might, I cannot find a way to make peace with this reality, especially when it involves the pastoral needs of people. And so I prepare to enter tomorrow's sabbath conscious of my continuing deep sense of grief, and very weary of the reality that multi-tasking is a myth. 

Tomorrow I will be more "zen" about all of this - tonight I see the faces of the people I didn't sit with today so that next Sunday will be a blessing.  Sometimes the personal cost of the choice feels too high...

When you look deep within your heart, is it the things you do that move you to confession, or those things left undone?  Where in your body to you feel the pain - does it have a shape and size?  What do you do when you feel the pain?

I will write again Sunday after observing a few hours of Sabbath.

May we be happy, may we be peaceful, may we be free from suffering; may we be happy, may we be peaceful, may we be filled with love -

Kim

Mixed

According to my health journal, Robert Louis Stevenson wrote "The saints are sinners who kept on going."  To that end, it is Day 8 of making lifestyle changes that will support the healing of my heart and soul.  Results?

Mixed.  My ego would prefer to write that all is sweetness and light, but tomorrow's journal quotation is "We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves,"  attributed to Eric Hoffer.  With that in mind, I'll stick with mixed.

Change is difficult, especially changing a course that is so well-established.  Once well-worn ruts become the familiar path, it is ever so hard to shift direction.

But there is good news in a mixed outcome - some things are indeed going very well.  Others, however, are in need of additional work.  And support.  And prayer.  And patience, which is perhaps the hardest reality to accept. 

And that leads me back to the truth-love (grace)-time equation.  It is going to take time.

I am thinking of focusing on one area and getting it firmly set before adding the next change (instead of trying to juggle multiple changes all at once.  I'll let you know how that strategy works...because I imagine that you might also be struggling with change.

I have discovered that it is ok to be afraid in the face of major change.  Pretending to be brave doesn't help.  It is far better to face the fear and move through it than to spend time and energy denying that the fear exists. 

May God grant us strength as we face our fears, and embrace the healthy change brought into our lives by the Spirit.

One step at a time,
Kim

Seat Belts Fastened

It is unfortunate that some good advice feels counter intuitive, and therefore easy to dismiss.  The first time I flew on an airplane (I was fifteen) and heard the cheerful flight attendants (then know as stewardesses) give their perky description of what to do in case of an in-flight tragedy, I was stopped in my tracks by the instructions regarding oxygen masks:  save yourself before you help someone else.  Really?  Didn't these people know that is was more heroic to help others first before tending to your own needs?  Did we really want to encourage masses of people to behave selfishly, instead of selflessly? (My mental rant continued...)  What self respecting parent would take care of themselves before taking care of their child?  Clearly, society was stuffed into one tidy little hand basket of selfishness traveling headlong into the jaws of hell.  (At fifteen I liked melodrama).

Despite the obvious fact that fifteen is two year shy of forty years ago, the early lessons that paved the way for a fifteen year old to consider sacrificing herself so that she could assist every person on that plane with their oxygen mask (while heroically holding her breath) before drawing one selfish breath of her own didn't simply slip into oblivion in some dark corner of my brain.  If only!  No, the refinement of age allowed me to channel those particular demons into less melodramatic but equally destructive scenes in my life.  Sometimes the pattern is easy to see - or hard to miss, depending on how I feel about the outcome.  But often it is subtle...

After yesterday's "interesting" day, I decided to begin today with some self care.  As soon as I moved in the direction of putting my oxygen mask on, the internal chorus from Apocalypse Now unleashed its fury - one does not take care of oneself before all of one's obligations are met.  But I did it anyway, sensing that if I first did some healthy things to take care of myself, the rest of the day would be better (know matter how "interesting" it got).  So I did, and it was, and the chorus has slunk back into its waiting room, just looking for the next cue to perform. 

Today was a better day.  And part of that was because I took steps to nurture and care for myself in a healthy way before stepping into the needs of others.  It did make a difference - even though I felt guilty at first...and still do (a little bit)...

...but not enough to keep me from doing it again.  And I believe with each repetition of healthy behavior, the guilt will diminish.  And eventually, the internal chorus of blame and shame will become bored with nothing to do, and either let go, or learn a new song.

Did you remember today to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others?  Or are you holding your breath right now?  It took Jesus awhile to learn a healthy pattern for his interactions with people who were in need, but he eventually found a rhythm between self care and service.  We would be wise to follow his example.

Breathing deeply,
Kim

WWTSD Indeed!

Humor is best when unexpected.  And needed.  And never underestimate the power of silly.  After a consistent eight hours of what I will politely call an "interesting" day, I found myself driving home at the height of rush hour, or, if we are going to use a more accurate description, amateur hour.  I have had the experience of leaving LA at 5 pm for my commute back to Bakersfield, so I know that driving here is nothing like the sheer drama of California road warrior driving.  But today, I ended my "interesting" day with a commute home that kept a legion of guardian angels busy as people tried to turn downtown Boise, the connector, I 84 and Meridian road into a commercial for a demolition derby.  The first three or four near misses invited me to get in touch with my inner road rage (and, perhaps, some pent up frustration from my day).  But by close call number five, there was a surreal humor to the experience. 

And then I saw the window decal.  Of all the cars on the road, I pulled up behind a little nondescript four door sedan that had the window decal of the day in the back window.  Usually bumper stickers or window decals raise my blood pressure to frightening heights and "invite" me to pull up next to large trucks and explain why I don't want to stick a gun in that particular place, or offer some insight into the history of the US Constitution.  I actually try to avoid reading bumper stickers because no good ever comes from it...

...except today.  As I hit the horn to introduce myself to the person changing lanes into my left front corner panel, I looked up and saw it - WWTSD.

And I laughed.  I laughed so hard that I'm sure the people in the queue of cars around me must have thought I was having some sort of breakdown or seizure.  And, no, lest you think I've gone over to the dark side, this particular decal didn't mean "what would Tony Soprano do" - I know this because the symbol on the decal was not organized crime related, nor did it appeal to the dark side.  Instead, it took me back to Britain and a favorite crazy, silly, stress-relieving television show that had no redeeming social value but could be outrageously funny - belly laugh kind of funny.  More than once at the end of a stress-packed workday I would tune into this show and channel my inner road warrior (an unresolved aspect of a childhood spent around race cars) and let my lead foot feel at home.  Granted, this show would never be confused with Masterpiece Theatre, but it was damn therapeutic.

I can't help but feel that The Stig would be pleased...

Did you laugh today - I mean really laugh today?  Laughter is such a great stress reliever and perspective provider.  It brings the gift of release, and balance, and humility...

...and just in case you need a laugh,  Top Gear is on BBC America.  You haven't lived until you see the Great Race to the North Pole, or the hockey game using cars on ice as the hockey players, or the car-boat challenge...

Grateful for the gift of silly on a not-so-funny day,
Kim

Spirit Duck Sighting in the Slow Lane

Ever since the hate speech graffiti incident at the church, my Sunday morning begins with a slow drive around the property before parking my car and unlocking the church door - just in case there is something I need to see before others arrive.  Today I got quite a surprise!

I turned the corner and was driving along the kitchen-entrance side of the building, and at the back door I saw a pair of ducks - yes, ducks - looking for crumbs and happily enjoying the morning sun.

Ducks.  Suffice it to say that this is not a normal sighting.  I stopped in the middle of the road and just stared - and smiled.  Ducks.

So what wisdom do ducks bring?  Some say that ducks, as spirit guides, help people to see clearly through emotions, and that they are the spirit helpers of mystics and seers.  I smiled.  A nice way to start my morning.

The Youth Group led worship, so I was able to visit with people without the responsibility of keeping a worship service (and sermon) in my head.  I confess that I thoroughly enjoyed being out of the pulpit for the day - a very  nice break.  The "space" gave me a bit of extra time to be with people, especially those who were in distress today.  As always, some were rejoicing while others were in deep pain.  And some were on their way to do other things.  The normal rhythms of the parish...

And yet they come - Woody Allen says that showing up is 80% of life, and I think that quote could apply to life in the church.  Although I have a healthy (?) skepticism about many aspects of organized religion (mine included), I always watch for signs of hope - of grace - of love breaking through.  I saw that today, and was so thankful that I was able to see it, instead of being distracted by all the many "good things" I often do on a Sunday.  What I saw had nothing to do with grand and glorious plans and projects, but people loving and serving one another.  Love in action - grace in our midst.

Slower is better - you see more when you're not in the fast. land (but please don't quote me).

What did you see today - truly see today?  How did God speak to you today?  Did you slow down long enough to see and listen?

Listening,
Kim

"C" Words

I am slowly working through two programs that each have a workbook.  One addresses my physical health, as I come to terms with a difficult health challenge and choose to move forward in a positive way.  The other addresses my emotional health, as I work to shift patterns that no longer serve me well. 

When I began this process, I assumed that the two workbooks would have little in common.  I certainly got that wrong!  Although the subject matter and emphasis may differ, there are striking similarities between the material.  Both work to help me become more mindful, present, and empowered to make choices - even when facing difficult issues.

Choice - how easy it is to forget that we have choices!

Choice - Freedom - Presence - Mindfulness - Flow - Joy - I had this experience today for almost four hours, as I savored some open road driving (and enjoyed the Cloud Art Gallery) and spent some time doing what I love to do - what resonates with my heart.  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the phrase "flow" to describe that mental state in which one is engaged in an activity and is fully immersed in a feeling of energetic focus, full involvement, and experiences success in the process of the activity.  Flow is difficult to describe, but you know it when you experience it.  It is an amazing, fulfilling feeling.  Today, it was tonic for my heart, and a reminder that I need to create opportunities to be energized by experiences of flow.  My heart needs this in order to heal.  And that brings me back again to choice.

Choice - such a liberating and terrifying word; such a difficult gift to accept.  Just the thought of choice and the freedom and responsibility it brings can simultaneously evoke opposing emotions that leave a person unable to move - stuck in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war.  Perhaps this paralysis happens because choice is also closely related to another "c" word:  change.

What thoughts and feelings arise as you read the words choice and change?  I invite you to sit with what arises as you are present with these powerful words - allow them to be teacher and guide, and see what lessons and paths emerge...

I will write again on Sunday.  Blessings on your journey,
Kim

Even Judas...

I came upon this reading today, and it deeply touched my heart.  I share it with you tonight for your reflection:

There is an old legend that after his death Judas found himself at the bottom of a deep and slimy pit.  For thousands of years he wept his repentance, and when the tears were finally spent he looked up and saw, way, way up, a tiny glimmer of light.  After he had contemplated it for another thousand years or so, he began to try to climb up towards it.  The walls of the pit were dank and slimy, and he kept slipping back down.   Finally, after great effort, he neared the top, and then he slipped and fell all the way back down.  It took him many years to recover, all the time weeping bitter tears of grief and repentance, and then he started to climb up again.  After many more falls and efforts and failures he reached the top and dragged himself into an upper room with twelve people seated around a table.  "We've been waiting for you, Judas," Jesus said.  "We couldn't begin till you came..."

The happy ending has never been easy to believe in.  After the Crucifixion the defeated little band of disciples had no hope, no expectation of Resurrection.  Everything they believed in had died on the cross with Jesus.  The world was right, and they had been wrong.  Even when the women told the disciples that Jesus had left the stone-sealed tomb, the disciples found it nearly impossible to believe that it was not all over.  The truth was, it was just beginning.  - Madeline L'Engle, "Waiting for Judas," in Bread and Wine:  Readings for Lent and Easter

Here's to hope and new beginnings -
Kim

Kestrel Medicine

Mid-2005 was a tumultuous time in my life.  One afternoon I was in the main weaving room of the Manse in Scotland, weaving something on my Leclerc loom.  I was inches away from the window - I could easily lay my hand on the glass without moving.  Lost in thought, I continued weaving, until there was a flash of movement outside the window.  I looked up and was stunned to see a sparrowhawk sitting on the ledge of the window, staring at me.

I put down my shuttle, and kept looking - transfixed by the encounter.  She had yellow piercing eyes and just stared at me - I was so still that I think I stopped breathing.  I slowly raised my hand towards the window - then stopped.  We just held each other's gaze - for what seemed like time completely out of time.  And then she flew away.  In moments of difficulty she would surprise me by returning - often to the clothes dryer in the back garden - and always to the terror of the guests at the bird feeders.  She was never again as close as she was that day - but the comfort and strength she brought me stayed with me during a difficult transition time.  A mentor said she came to me as a spirit guide.

I remembered her today as I went out into the back yard to sit and clear my head, and was buzzed by a kestrel - it flew through the yard within feet of me!  I looked up and its mate was sitting in the very top of the pine tree on the other side of the fence - facing me - looking at me.  I sat down, and spent some time out of time engaged with the kestrel.  Another transition time in my life - and another hawk comes to my aid.  My mentor back in Scotland would be so pleased that I noticed!

My mentor from back home is an amazing person - able to combine the best of western medicine (as a physician) with Shamanism (trained in Peru) with the essence of Christianity whilst being open to other spiritual expressions.  She demonstrated to me that the path was greater than any one tradition could encompass, and that there was nothing wrong with walking your path while keeping your eyes open to other realities.

So much of how I experience God falls easily within the Christian tradition (thank goodness Christianity is broad and diverse)!  Yet the path is greater, and wider, and very unpredictable - and includes things I cannot begin to understand...

...like spirit guides who fly in when needed and remind me that I am not alone, and can access strength that had slipped from my awareness.  I played around online tonight and looked up the medicine that Kestrel brings.  The results were interesting, and included the following:

"If Kestrel flies into your life, it may be asking you to stimulate your mental powers and move speedily and smoothly into the future that you desire.  Go with the flow, paying attention to the movement of every situation and be responsible for your actions...Kestrel teaches speed and action of thought must be done with a balance of mind and heart along with patience to act at the opportune time.  Kestrel aids in seeking out with clarity by illuminating the path...Kestrel's gifts are patience, concentration and precise action, accuracy of movement, speed and grace, acting at the right time."

Many of those phrases resonate with aspects of my current transition.  What a loving gift from the universe (which, as God's body, means what a loving gift from God).  Steps need to be taken and some concentration, precision, wise timing and grace would be most helpful.  Speed is also needed - and as a methodical plodder, speed isn't my default response.

But when it is time to move into a new phase of the transition, it is time.  I am blessed to have Kestrel as my reminder that I am able to move into and through this transition.

I note with a smile that transition is the name given to the most painful part of labor before birth .  How true!

How did God speak to you today?

Embracing change (even though it is like hugging a cactus),
Kim 

 

Not tonight

I've been trying to use the "gratitude" discipline on both pleasant and hard days.  On pleasant days it is easy.  On hard days...well...not so easy.  At first I wondered if I was being dishonest with myself (I always cringed at the "fake it 'till you make it" approach).  Is focusing on the blessings a way of ignoring the pain and difficulties - a martyr's form of denial?  As the fire is lit, Joan of Arc takes a deep whiff of the smoke and is heard to say "oak - is that oak I smell - ah, I love the smell of an oak fire..."

No, it isn't denial.  Even in the midst of a bad day, there are blessings.  Even when enraptured by a glorious day, there are challenges.  It is always both/and, like it/or not.

Today was a tough day.  And there were blessings - for which I am grateful.  The tough parts of today will require a level of flexibility, adaptation, and acceptance that are beyond my capability tonight.  Fortunately, tomorrow is another day, and I suspect that both the grace and strength will be there to do what needs to be done - tomorrow.  Tonight, I'm just going to let it be what it is, trust that God is willing to share my pain, and then we'll sort it out tomorrow.

"Fear and worry are understandable at times.  It would be stupid not to be concerned for our personal well-being, and selfish not to be concerned for others.  Feeling concern is a natural part of human goodness.  But when it prevents us from accepting our life, fear is crippling.  We find ourselves saying no to the world; no to our karma; no, no, no to everything - which is a very painful way to live.  When we spend our life wishing it were different, it's like living someone else's life.  Or, we could say, it's like living our life despite ourselves.  Meanwhile, the full spectrum of our life experience goes by unnoticed.  - Dzigar Kongtrul, It's Up to You

"When we spend our life wishing it were different, it's like living someone else's life."  Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche is wise.  But I will embrace his wisdom tomorrow.

Present,
Kim

Spiritual Integrity

Sigh.  It has been quite a journey, starting with Ash Wednesday's sober reminder of our origin as star dust, and culminating today in a sea of flowers, children and youth, and joyous music of the resurrection.  Throughout the journey we have been challenged to listen contemplatively to the teaching and example of Rabbi Jesus, who, as the human face of God, brought nothing short of revolutionary ideas to our spiritual journey.  We watched the cost of embodying truth and love, and got an unflinching view of where that kind of integrity might lead as we ran headlong into the cross.  And then today we heard God's answer to what looked like failure and defeat:  New life!

Now we are called to continue in this journey of spiritual integrity, knowing that wherever it leads, God is with us.

Normally when leading worship I stay focused on the "mechanics" of what needs to happen, often to the point of not having a spiritual experience in worship.   But both last Sunday and today, I found myself "present" in a new way, as if a door had been opened and I could enter into the experience at a different level.  Part of me was still tracking the "mechanics" of what needed to happen - especially because we had a house full of guests, and hospitality demands nothing less than attention to the details.  I've been trying all day to identify what key opened this door for me today - was it the children (their energy was amazing and pure) or was it all the flowers they brought for the decorating the cross (the colors were stunning and spoke of new life) or was it the music (equally stunning) - or was it the look in the eyes of the child who was baptized today?  Her love and openness was amazing, and disarming.  I have long wanted to re-write the UCC baptismal liturgy, and when I met with this child and her Mom and found myself re-writing the liturgy as I spoke with her about baptism, I decided that now was the time to do it for real.

Perhaps that was it...I felt like the words I said, and the prayers I prayed, had integrity - I did not have to cross my fingers behind my back as I said them.  I was able to be myself and be fully present - like the children.  The experience had integrity for me.

Baptism as a decision to follow in the ways of Rabbi Jesus - as desire to learn from Jesus and grow into relationship with God as taught to us through Jesus.  Not dismissing or judging the many other beautiful ways to God, but celebrating the unique nature of this way.  No talk of sin (especially original) or a washing away of our iniquity (please - how much iniquity does a young child have)?  Instead, the focus is on the work that love can do in our lives.  What I said was who I am.  And I hope that when she is fourteen, or twenty four, or forty - and facing the kinds of challenges that come to all people - she will remember this experience, and be able to look in the mirror and say "I am a beloved child of God - created in God's very image.  God loves me, and I am unique, special, and have worth."  If we gave her that gift today, then the realm of God was truly in our midst!

Spiritual integrity - is there a natural resonance with what you believe, how you worship, and how you live/what you say?  I am beginning to experience the power of such integration - it opens doors to a new level of awareness and experience that I highly recommend.

I invite you to think about what you believe, how you worship, and how you live your life/what you say in your everyday life.  How do these pieces fit together?  Do they fit together?  Are you experiencing integrity in your spiritual life?

A blessed Pascha to all,
Kim

Passion

It was an evening of raw emotion.  First came the joy - and amazement - as I watched the dining room fill with people for the Maundy Thursday observance.  Up until the moment the people arrived I wasn't sure if more than two dozen people would be there (which is the number of people in the choirs).  In many ways, it felt totally out of my hands, and so I waited - and wondered - and was delighted by the outcome!  We began with singing, and praying and hearing the Gospel of John's solo account of Jesus demonstrating deep humility and selfless service by washing the feet of his disciples. 

Reading that account always takes me back to the footwashing ceremonies I've observed (and avoided) on Maundy Thursday.  During my final year of Seminary it was my turn to be in the group of students who had their feet washed by the Dean.  I switched with someone else - I felt embarrassed to receive that attention, and preferred to quietly stay in the background.  A funny story - one year when I was Pastor of a church back East, the local Ecumenical Church Group decided that they wanted to have an Ecumenical Maundy Thursday Service, but felt that reenacting the foot washing would be to "intimate."  So instead of having a traditional footwashing ceremony, the Methodist Pastor brought a feather duster, and dusted every one's shoes.

You can't make this stuff up...

Reading the account in John also makes me cringe, because I know that so much of the language in this account of the Passion has been used to fuel anti-Semitism.  I understand, as best as a modern person can, the historical context in which the narrative was written.  Yet I still struggle to read it aloud in worship, and avoid John's Gospel in worship whenever I can.  Such a pity - so many beautiful stories are interwoven with anti-Jewish rhetoric.  I struggled...

...and then there was the music tonight, which lifted my struggling heart higher and higher, even as the words of the scripture passages were piercing it through and through.  Misunderstanding, betrayal, arrest, abandonment, false accusations, abuse - all to one who embodied love and justice. 

So tonight, in the course of two hours, I felt great joy and amazement, some embarrassment, discomfort, elation, pain, sorrow, and comfort - comfort to know that the God I love truly understands all the raw emotions that fill the human experience.  My human experience...

It was a passionate evening!

Passion.  My Lenten friend Henri Nouwen describes Passion in an unique way - a way that has captured my attention:

"Passion is a kind of waiting - waiting for what other people are going to do.  Jesus went to Jerusalem to announce the good news to the people of that city.  And Jesus knew that he was going to put a choice before them:  Will you be my disciple, or will you be my executioner?  There is no middle ground here.  Jesus went to Jerusalem to put people in a situation where they had to say "Yes" or "No."  That is the great drama of Jesus' passion: he had to wait upon how people were going to respond.  How would they come?  To betray him or to follow him?  In a way, his agony is not simply the agony of approaching death.  It is also the agony of having to wait.  All action ends in passion because the response to our action is out of our hands.  That is the mystery of work, the mystery of love, the mystery of friendship, the mystery of community - they always involve waiting.  And that is the mystery of Jesus' love.  God reveals himself in Jesus as the one who waits for our response.  Precisely in that waiting the intensity of God's love is revealed to us.  If God forced us to love, we would not really be lovers."  - Henri J.M. Nouwen, "From Action to Passion," in Bread and Wine: Readings for Lent and Easter.

And so God awaits our response this Maundy Thursday, and this Good Friday, and in the stillness of Holy Saturday, and in the festive celebration of Easter.  God patiently waits for our response to the love demonstrated in the life, witness, suffering, death and resurrection of Rabbi Jesus.

How will you respond to this outpouring of Love?

I will write again the evening of Easter.  May you have a blessed journey to new life.

With love and prayers,
Kim

Holy Triduum

Tomorrow evening begins our journey through the Holy Triduum - the three days beginning with Maundy Thursday and ending with Easter - days that leads us through the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus.   We will be doing something slightly different in our observance of Maundy Thursday this year at Boise First.  Perhaps it will help all of us to enter into the richness of the lessons.  Perhaps as we remember the depth of Jesus' humility, compassion and love which was later met with betrayal, arrest and torture, our hearts will be softened and awakened to the love that is God.

A soft heart is responsive.  A soft heart is resilient.  A soft heart is tender ...compassionate ...forgiving ... merciful...gentle...

A soft heart is strong, and finds strength from being united to God in prayer.

I encourage you to walk this journey to Easter - no short cuts.  Re-arrange your schedule.  Turn your to-do list into a do-less list, and spend the extra time in prayerful contemplation and service.  Make time for the journey to a soft, strong, responsive heart - a heart rooted in the God of love.

The world needs such soft, strong, prayerful hearts if it is ever to experience transformation into a world of compassion, mercy, justice, and peace:

"Prayer and action, therefore, can never be seen as contradictory or mutually exclusive.  Prayer without action grows into powerless pietism, and action without prayer degenerates into questionable manipulation.  If prayer leads us into a deeper unity with the Compassionate Christ, it will always give rise to concrete acts of service.  And if concrete acts of service do indeed lead us to a deeper solidarity with the poor, the hungry, the sick, the dying, and the oppressed, they will always give rise to prayer.  In prayer we meet Christ, and in him all human suffering.  In service we meet people, and in them the suffering Christ.  Action with and for those who suffer is the concrete expression of the compassionate life and the final criterion of being Christian."  Henri J.M. Nouwen,  Show Me The Way - Daily Lenten Readings.

Meet Christ this year on the road to new life.

May your observance of the Holy Triduum be blessed -
Kim
 

Henri's "Little Way"

Simple pleasures are often greatly underestimated - especially in our complex, sophisticated world.  It has been over a month since my very sore arthritic joints had the pleasure of an exercise work-out in the warm water hydrotherapy pool at the Elks Rehab Hospital.  But today they got back into warm water, and blessed me for it!  It was not a miracle cure - the pain did not go away.  It did, however, feel good to walk, and stretch, and do all manner of exercises in that soothing water.  I had to stop myself from overdoing it, because it felt so liberating to be able to move sans cane or crutches.

I tried today to keep making time to keep things simple and to stay attentive.  Deep breathing - frequent stretches - looking out the window - saying "no" to things that would only cause complications and not amount to any overall good - and when I hit a rather big bump in today's road and found myself quite upset, I talked about it with people I trust and then headed outside to my rocker on the deck and sang with the birds.  Slowly the unpleasant emotions melted away, until I felt ok (not great, but ok was a vast improvement).

Baby steps.

As I settle into a rhythm for Holy Week, I find myself less and less interested in the "production" that is the planning and process of Holy Week in the Church, and drawn to simply being in God's presence - a simple way.  The "little" way:

"To choose the little people, the little joys, the little sorrows and to trust that is is there that God will come close - that is the hard way of Jesus...Something in me always wants to turn the way of Jesus into a way that is honorable in the eyes of the world.  I always want the little way to become the big way.  But Jesus' movement toward the places the world wants to move away from cannot be made into a success story..."   - Henri J.M.Nouwen - Show Me The Way - Daily Lenten Readings

What baby steps are you taking as you journey through Holy Week?

Blessings,
Kim

Dialing In

"Fellowship with Jesus Christ is not a commitment to suffer as much as possible, but a commitment to listen with him to God's love without fear...  We are often tempted to 'explain' suffering in terms of 'the will of God.' Not only can this evoke anger and frustration, but also it is false.  'God's will' is not a label that can be put on unhappy situations.  God wants to bring joy not pain, peace not war, healing not suffering.  Therefore, instead of declaring anything and everything to be the will of God, we must be willing to ask ourselves where in the midst of our pains and sufferings we can discern the loving presence of God."  - Henri J.M. Nouwen, Show Me The Way - Daily Lenten Readings

I read this passage eleven days ago, and it has been acting like a lens through which I have looked at joy and sorrow - both in my own life and in the experiences of others.   Discerning the loving presence of God in joyful situations is easy.  Attuning to God's presence in the face of pain and tragedy is another matter altogether.  And dialing in to God's presence in the midst of the everyday ho-hum routine - well, that can be extremely difficult.

Yet it can be done.  I remember when I was first listening to the birds - I could not distinguish one bird song from another (except for Crows - they were easy).  The more I listened and became familiar with their unique songs, the easier it was to identify who was singing in the pines behind our home.  But it took time, and patience, and attention.

Surely God deserves more of my time, patience and attention than the winged troubadours in my backyard! 

This Holy Week I plan to spend extra time in this interesting experience of attuning to God's presence.  I have no idea what this will be like - or where it will lead - but if you are up for an adventure, please join me!  Each day, in times of intentional reflection and silence, and as you go about your daily routine, look for evidence of the loving presence of God.  Attune to God's frequency - dial in - and be open to what happens next!

Blessings,
Kim

Definitely Door Number Three

At first I thought it was caused by the sleep deprivation, or the natural decompression that followed an extremely stressful week.  Perhaps it was the fact that Holy Week was about to descend like an a grand piano being dropped from the International Space Station. 

Or maybe it was grace.  Somewhere between the first worship service and the second, I found myself accepting an invitation to stop methodically working through my pre-worship-mile-long-worry list and instead just - just - enjoy the experience of worship. 

The invitation was to play, and to see each part of the experience as an opportunity for surprise, and wonder, and to encounter God in a fresh and new way. 

Suddenly each part of the service became my favorite part of the service.  The choir sounded magnificent, and each time the congregation sang,  the music they created was amazing.  I experienced the congregation more directly - felt their changes of mood - and thoroughly enjoyed what we were creating together.  The time with the new members was magical, and communion was a joy.  If I could dance I would have danced through the church (perhaps my limitations in that regard are a blessing in disguise)!  Instead my heart danced, and despite those nagging voices that forever warn me to stop having fun, I continued in the experience, moving into deep joy.

This has never happened to me when I was in the role of leading worship.  I have experienced this joy as a participant in worship, but never when leading the experience. 

So...was it the sleep deprivation/coming down from extreme stress, the onslaught of Holy Week, or an experience of grace?

The skeptic in me wants to opt for doors one or two, but my heart says we'll go with door number three!

To allow oneself to be in the moment (and not distracted by the zillion other things trying to hold attention) and experience joy - what a gift! 

Do you allow yourself to be present and stay open to joy?  To play?  To see the amazing wonder all around us? 

Look!
Kim