It was as if I bought a ticket and packed my bag for a cozy winter trip to Alaska, only to find myself disembarking in Hawaii - winter coat and all!
I prepared for Advent with the type of advanced preparation any General would use before going into battle. All contingencies were accounted for - I was ready to engage the season with military precision. It would be a holy Advent. I would make sure that this season was observed with the utmost of intention. In fact, I was so focused on observing the season that I didn't even notice the change in destination - I checked to make sure I was in the right place at the right time and getting on the right plane, but all the cues present in the departure lounge that would have cued any sentient person that the destination was not Alaska slipped past my notice. Even I should have noticed I was the only person boarding the plane in a parka!
I didn't hear the tropical music, notice the other passengers wearing those signature Hawaiian shirts, and even missed the tell tale sign that my Alaska Air flight has just become Aloha Airlines. I boarded my fight, agenda in hand, ready for four weeks of curling up near the fire to stay warm, walking through the falling snow, and watching the amazing winter night sky all while considering what it means to birth God's presence into the world.
Then I got off the plane and was welcomed to Hawaii with a warm greeting and colorful lei draped over my head. I wore it over my winter coat, as I pondered what type of greeting this might be...
Faced with the overwhelming evidence that I was in Hawaii and not my intended destination of Alaska, I did what any resourceful, creative person (who was schooled in the art of denial) might do in such a situation: I pretended Hawaii was actually Alaska. For the first few days I was able to keep the delusion in place, as I continued to wear my winter coat and tried to turn my accommodation into that cozy winter cabin of waiting and longing. Of stillness and peace. A place to quietly, intentionally open myself to God's emerging presence. But after a few days, the dissonance of where my mind thought I should be and where I actually was finally overwhelmed my defenses. I was well and truly in Hawaii.
It was time to ditch the winter coat, and figure out how I got here. Did I get on the wrong plane? (No). Did I fail to plan appropriately? (Oh heavens, no. That is never the problem). Then how did I get here - in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the absolutely wrong set of circumstances, that were directly challenging all my woulds, coulds, and shoulds? This is not where I am supposed to be during Advent (which might have been my first clue that it was exactly the right place for me to be during Advent - but I'm often slow to notice the obvious).
And so Advent proceeded in this odd and mysterious way as I started to slowly connect with being in Hawaii while my brain kept trying to pull me into the warm and cozy fires of Alaska. This left me with an odd sort of "delayed-reaction syndrome" as I kept moving between two realities. By the time Advent drew to a close, I found myself having an almost a 24 hr lag time between processing data and making connections.
Consequently, when we were visited by the Spirit of Christmas during the first Christmas Eve worship service, I didn't even notice God's presence...until much later...and as that realization settled in, I felt an overwhelming sense of -
Failure! Frustration! Shame! Discouragement! Woulds, coulds and shoulds flooded over me like a tsunami, and I wondered if I would EVER get IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! All that preparation and planning, and I had failed to even welcome the Christ Child! Had I missed Christmas???????
And just when I thought I would sink once again into the emotional mud and mess that is the hallmark of the shameful and lonely Land of the Shoulds, I instead noticed that my location had changed to someplace else...
...someplace gentler, and warmer, with more solid ground under my feet and loving arms holding me close. There was quiet laughter in the air, and a faint small of hay. I was not alone. And I heard a loving, gentle voice praising me for doing such good work - I had made connections within 24 hours instead of 24 year! I noticed I was in Hawaii and gave up trying to be in Alaska! How wonderful! And look, I had noticed that the woulds, coulds and shoulds were not consistent with my core values. Of course I felt terrible - that was evidence that I was moving away from my true self, and moving towards choices and options that did not come from my heart - what a blessing to notice this! I heard words of praise and acceptance...and I smiled, and laughed and cried, and held this most beautiful infant in my arms and heart, while the lambs crowded close to see this new life, and the Mother of God smiled.
I spent Christmas in Bethlehem - even though the ticket I bought was for Alaska, and the plane landed in Hawaii. But here is the most amazing part of the story - in the midst of these travels I learned the true location of Bethlehem. It is in my heart.
And it is home.
Merry Christmas, dear friends.
With love and great joy,
Kim
