Undoneness

Last night we were offered an amazing opportunity - out of the blue - completely unexpected - not anywhere on my radar.  I did some digging, and concluded that this would be an excellent opportunity for the church community.  Since this was unexpected, and needed to be addressed NOW, a significant part of my day was spent doing the work to make this opportunity happen.  Because of what happened last night and today, worship a week from Sunday will be an amazing experience (I think).  At least I hope so.

But tonight my heart is filled with grief, because in order to make this very good opportunity happen, I had to leave undone some very good things that also needed to be done.

I find it is not the things I do that leave me wishing I could kneel in contrition, but it is the things left undone that break my heart and cause the pieces to pray the familiar Confession from the Book of Common Prayer.  And as I have been unsuccessful in finding ways to see that these very good things are done by others or in other ways, they truly are left undone.  I feel the "undoneness" as a weight that presses down on my shoulders, and as a sharp edge within my chest - right around my heart.  Is has shape and size - it is like a physical presence.

I know - no person can do all that needs to be done.  I understand (intellectually) that both work hours in the day and personal resources are finite, and therefore things will be left undone.  But try as I might, I cannot find a way to make peace with this reality, especially when it involves the pastoral needs of people. And so I prepare to enter tomorrow's sabbath conscious of my continuing deep sense of grief, and very weary of the reality that multi-tasking is a myth. 

Tomorrow I will be more "zen" about all of this - tonight I see the faces of the people I didn't sit with today so that next Sunday will be a blessing.  Sometimes the personal cost of the choice feels too high...

When you look deep within your heart, is it the things you do that move you to confession, or those things left undone?  Where in your body to you feel the pain - does it have a shape and size?  What do you do when you feel the pain?

I will write again Sunday after observing a few hours of Sabbath.

May we be happy, may we be peaceful, may we be free from suffering; may we be happy, may we be peaceful, may we be filled with love -

Kim