Today I was reminded that I hate speed-bumps even more than I hate construction zones. My cruising speed was reduced to 35 mph today, and I have to slow up even more each time I come to a speed bump. It has been a day of adjustments and tears. And deep breaths and acceptance. And anger and non-acceptance. And acceptance.
It is a process that involves a whole lot of flexibility. Flexibility (in theory) is beautiful to ponder. Living it is another story. Change is a necessary and normal part of life, and is meant to be celebrated (in theory). Being in the midst of change feels less celebratory and more unsettling - like the feeling of a minor earthquake. You feel the earth moving beneath your feet and watch the light fixtures sway, all the while saying to yourself "wait a minute - that is solid ground beneath my feet. It isn't supposed to move." Yet move it does...and if you are in a smart building with earthquake sensitive construction, it will move and flex with the waves and come through just fine. Flexibility...
Today I learned that I will spend the next month on a heart monitor - no heated rehab pool five days a week (which is my primary method of pain control, exercise, and my number one coping strategy). Right after Easter I will have a morning of tests that, coupled with this epic heart rhythm study, will provide the necessary data for why my heart beats funny. In the meantime, life is change, adaptation, and flexibility. I am not smiling.
I'm feeling too raw tonight to have a plan for managing the pain and stuff that will come this month. I will come up with a plan tomorrow. Tonight I'm sad, and a little bit overwhelmed, and wishing that there was another way forward. For a moment today I tried to talk myself out of being upset ("there are plenty of people in the world who are facing situations that are far more difficult and tragic than your circumstances - stop feeling sorry for yourself!")! I just started to buy into this story line, stuff my feelings and paint on my brave face when I listened to the tone and quality of this inner voice and remembered that it wasn't my better angels talking to me... and I let it go. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they are just feelings. Let them be...
God may get an earful tonight during prayer. Or I may say nothing, and just have a good cry. God doesn't need my words to know how I feel, but I know God appreciates it when I show up, even when carrying unpleasant stuff, and share it with the one who knows firsthand what stuff is like. Our friendship and partnership are strengthened each time I open my heart to God, stuff and all.
Perhaps you have had an earthquake time in your life, when there was more than enough stuff to deal with. Maybe you talked yourself out of your feelings and minimized your problems. Maybe you used denial or rationalization to make them go away. Perhaps you put a brave face on for family and friends. If that is what you needed to do to get through, so be it. But don't deny, rationalize, "brave face" and pretty things up for God. God values our honesty and wants us to be real - honesty and love make for a good foundation in any relationship.
A wise man likes to remind me that there is a trinity of qualities that bring healing and hope to any situation: Truth - Love - Time. God and I will sit with these three tonight, and I will trust that they will indeed heal my shaky heart. They may be the best earthquake technology of all...
With a whole lotta shakin goin on,
Kim
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