When something happens once, I notice. When it happens twice, I pay attention. The third time it happens, my attention is well and truly focused. In the past 48 hrs a theme has been emerging through conversations and emails, that at first seemed to simply be the concern of the people with whom I was conversing. But now the question has taken on a life of its own in my own heart. I wonder if you've even found yourself with this fundamental question: How do I know if what I am doing is God's will - or is my highest and truest good (depending on your theology)? How do I know...
The process of discernment - knowing who I am and who God is, and how God's Spirit moves and is at work in all life - is a life long journey. There are books that teach techniques for discerning God's will - or one's highest and truest good (which, I happen to think, are one and the same). But I find myself less interested in the "how to" books and more interested in the journey itself.
Leaning into the question and paying attention to the experiences associated with it are better data than one will ever find in a "God's Will for Dummies" book. Noticing how one's heart responds to a variety of situations (is it with joy or dread - does it bring a sense of consolation or desolation) in an important noticing.
When I notice that some situation (related to an area of discerning in my life) brings a sense of dread and desolation, I can then sit with that and notice the flavor and texture of the experience. Sitting with it (instead of running from it) helps to reveal whether the feelings are related to baggage that I'm carrying from the past (and sometimes I feel like a professional pack mule), or if my heart is letting me know that this particular environment does not support my values and highest and truest self. That information gives me space to reflect and make choices.
Space - choices - this is the opposite of reacting. Reacting brings a lack of freedom - choice is freedom. Discernment brings true choice - I can choose what is consistent with my understanding of God's will - that which brings about my highest and truest self.
All of this would be mere words if I hadn't seen it at work today in my own life. In a moment when I was feeling dread and desolation - and was about to react in an autopilot way that was the opposite of freedom - I somehow (God's grace?) found the strength to stop. I sat with the feelings (very uncomfortable) and was able to sink beneath the upper layer of "stuff" to what was beneath. Once I understood what was involved (in this case, a mixture of 25% baggage and 75% environment unsupportive of my highest and truest self) I could then make choices - good choices, in fact.
I made choices - no autopilot. In that moment, I was truly free. God and I "happy danced" in my heart. Change is possible.
I share this as a word of hope, because no one that I know has duty and auto pilot perfected to the level that I do - it is one of my noblest self destructive qualities. With awareness, this response is ever-so-slowly slipping away. And if I can evolve, dear friend, so can you.
I invite you to pay attention in those situations where you feel great joy or dread; consolation or desolation. Don't run from this great teacher; instead, settle into the lesson, and learn about who you are, and what choices will best allow you to be you. Then choose and savor the freedom that comes with making choices consistent with one's true self. Yes, at first it can feel uncomfortable, and if the choice is a departure from your usual behavior, you may even feel a bit guilty. But those feelings do give way to a deep sense of peace that comes with the freedom of being in sync with the Spirit - the freedom of being truly yourself.
Why not give it a try...
With love,
Kim
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