Two steps forward; five steps back. Three step forward; one step back. Two steps forward; three steps back. Six steps forward; four steps back. One step forward; hold ground.
Net gain: 1
I live in hope that one day growth and forward progress will be unencumbered by the ever-present back step. I finished my day and sat down to evaluate my choices and decisions during this week - progress in some areas, regression in other. Huge amount of energy expended. Net gain: 1
I wise person would celebrate this as progress.
But tonight I struggle with the "time" portion of the truth - love - time equation. I do not like that I measure my ability to shift behaviors and gain greater awareness, presence and capacity for love in terms of a huge number of steps that result in Net Gain: 1. My wounded soul says: "that is all you were able to accomplish with what you were given this week - only a net gain of 1!?! Look at all those backward steps - what were you thinking?!?"
How hard it is for me to believe that instead of words of condemnation, the universe rejoices and God holds my face in God's hands and says: "Look what you have done, my beloved. Net Gain: 1! You took one whole step! Well done!"
My heart hears the first voice (failure) while also hearing the second (well done)! I struggle to listen to the encouraging voice - but choose it despite my ambivalence. Each time I choose it, I hear it more clearly...and begin to see grace in one glorious step.
We have many competing inner voices, but not all the voices lead to health and wholeness. The ones we listen to, the ones we "feed" with our attention, are the ones we hear clearly - the ones that then help to set the pattern for our life.
Which voices do you feed - the failure/destructive voices, or the well done/nurturing voices? We do have the choice...
I will write again Sunday evening, as we begin the Holy Week journey.
Blessings,
Kim
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