Sometimes it is hard to get my attention, especially if I'm heading in another direction (or avoiding something). It is extremely easy for me to get focused on all kinds of stuff - the taxes need to be finished (bla), work-related paperwork (bla), just the sheer number of things that go into the work day (not all bla), the endless tasks involved in managing a home and getting through the day - dishes and laundry and driving and mail and shopping and sleeping and eating (not all bla, but some serious bla in the mix). It is easy for the routine and priorities of the day to become a self-perpetuating cycle that invites one to lose sight of why these things were done in the first place!
I'm convinced that churches (and other institutions) fall into the same trap. They get so filled with things that need to be done that all resources get devoted to doing those things - to perpetuating the system - with little thought as to why the church is doing what it is doing.
Then something gets your attention and wakes you up!
I spent the day doing some very good things at the church - important documents were created, meeting were taken, and stuff was done (a little bit of bla). I came home TIRED, as whatever is going on with my heart comes with a hefty dose of fatigue. Once settled at home, I was getting ready to start doing more stuff before resting in the chair, when all of a sudden I heard a faint sound of something familiar coming from out back. I dismissed it at first, but the flavor of the memory it triggered was very sweet and transported me back to that parking lot at Whole Foods in San Raphael. Hooked, I headed out onto the back deck to hear the sound of a HUGE flock of red-winged blackbirds holding forth in the large tree across the road (where the red-tailed hawks nest). What an amazing riot of sound! It completely masked the traffic sounds from Meridian Road at rush hour! I settled down in the rocking chair and listened to my favorite funky birdsong, felt the tension leave my body, and woke up. I've missed my bird friends - I've missed being outdoors. I've missed the way God speaks to me through the beauty of nature. It has been very quiet lately on the God front - I've missed the connection. I've been busy perpetuating stuff.
Sitting in that rocking chair enjoying the birdsong serenade reminded me of why I'm here (in birdville). It isn't about stuff and things, about perpetuating systems and meeting expectations (although I imagine that I will always play a role in taking care of stuff and things and perpetuating any number of systems, institutions, and expectations). Right now it is about learning to live in my heart, see with the eyes of my heart, assisting others to find their "heart space" - for that is where we experience both our true self and God.
Ouch. It isn't comfortable for me to think about hearts right now, as mine continues to beat in an odd way and sometimes hurts. In the past, when body parts have "failed," I have responded with anger and rejection. You can do that with a gallbladder - not that I'm suggesting that kind of negativity, but there is more latitude to diss a gallbladder than one's own heart. So although I haven't brought rejection and negativity into this experience, I haven't befriended my sore, mis-beating heart, either. I've actually tried to ignore it.
Instead, perhaps I might try to soothe it. Be kind to it. Understand it, and listen to the story it has to tell. No, I'm not trading in the heart monitor and cardiologist for metaphorical medicine, but perhaps there is a story here that needs to be heard, and acknowledged, and released. Perhaps I have some more heart work to do.
The black birds reminded me today that I have not been listening to what really matters, and I've forgotten the plot yet again. It is not about the stuff and expectations and perpetuating the cycle of more stuff. It is about listening to and with my heart, and seeing through my heart, and speaking from my heart, and living in my heart (both the mis-beating heart and the center-of-my being heart).
What a blessing it is that when I do forget the plot, God gently sends just the right messenger to get my attention - again and again. God bless those red-winged alarm clocks!
How does God get your attention? When was the last time you looked deeper at something that was happening in your life, because within it there was a message or lesson just for you (not that I believe God causes difficult things to happen, but I do believe God works with whatever material is available)? What is it like to hear, and see, and live in your heart? To sense the heartbeat of creation...? To feel the heartbeat of God...?
Which one of those five questions gets your attention? Sit with that question, and...
listen...
Beginning again,
Kim
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