No need to bring marshmallows...

Tonight I'd like to give a "shout out" to all the angels who showed up for duty today, both in person and via many forms of communication. 

When a dear angel begins the motivational talk with "we've been through worse than this," you know you're not standing in the rose garden anymore.  And she is right - things have been worse than this.  Then she rolled up her sleeves, and got to work - as did the angel who was sitting at the desk trying to make sense of our computer system, and the angel on her cell phone trying to create a web of volunteer support.  Several more angels worked the emails and sorted through the next logical step to address our latest test of the chaos theory - putting each piece in place.  When I least expected it, another angel who is not even related to our congregation, got word of our dilemma and called to offer assistance. 

Whenever I hear the rush of angels' wings, I know a miracle is afoot.  But the miracle I experienced today wasn't the gathering of the angels - although that was a vision of great beauty!  This miracle is very personal - and one that has probably cost some heavenly host a bit of pocket change  (if they bet on me to respond to this work crisis de jour in my usual way).  As our motivational/hard working angel was quick to point out, things have been worse before - and we have been in a similar situation before.  The last time this happened (half a year ago), I decided to carry the chaos on my shoulders and worked myself into the ground in the process.  And the worst part is - I don't think all that effort was efficient or effective, and was personally very costly.  This time, the beeping of my friendly heart monitor reminded me that I cannot bench-press this situation.  I need to allow others to do the heavy lifting (ouch - it even hurts to write that)! 

So here is the miracle - not only did I decide to not carry and control the chaos, I've also agreed to do something I should have done two weeks ago:  Take some sick leave and rest, even in the presence of chaos.  I will work through Sunday (change is incremental), and rest through the following Saturday.  I made this decision before going into work today, and when I arrived, the angels were already on duty, slowly ordering the chaos, and doing holy work.  It was a beautiful sight, and one that I will savor for some time to come.

...so the heavenly host that bet I would approach this crisis as I ALWAYS do - in my signature self-destructive style -  will have to forgo the smell of burning martyr.  There will be no crash and burn this time, so the marshmallows can be left home.

My heart is filled with awe and gratitude.  I am thankful to everyone who stepped up and was willing work to turn chaos into creativity.  I am thankful to all those who walk with me on my journey and hold the belief that transformation is possible - even when I cannot believe it for myself.  I am thankful for my heart monitor (previously referred to in most unflattering ways) that has helped me to make a different choice at a time when the temptation would be overwhelming to do things the known way.  And I am most thankful to my spiritual director, who reframed said heart monitor for me - just in the nick of time!  She suggested that every time it beeps I should hear it saying "I love you - take care of yourself" (quite the reframe)!  Mostly I am grateful to God, for not giving up on me, and providing the grace that makes transformation possible.

I share this as a word of hope and encouragement for anyone who is moving towards personal change and transformation, and finds the road difficult (or damn near impossible).  I stepped into change today, and a host of angels rushed in to take care of business.  Change happened in my life today - in the life of someone who has worn behavioral pattern "ruts" so deep that you could lose a small planet in them.  Change is possible - I've experienced it and can testify to it.  And if it can happen in my life, dear friend, it can happen in yours.

Can you see the change - the transformation - you long for in your life?  What does it look like?  How does it feel when you think about it?  Talk about it with God - hold it in your heart.  Believe...

Beep!
Kim