Romans Groundhog Day and the Flying Monkeys

Sigh.  I ran out of energy at about 4 pm this afternoon, and continued working until 8 pm.  When you sit at your desk and have a conversation with yourself about how nice it would be for flying monkeys to come and help you to get to your car, you know you have crossed a line...

...and that's the trouble - I haven't learned how to sense the line before I cross it.  It isn't until after it is a mile and a half behind me that I know I'm well on my way to the flying monkey conversation.  I seem to be living in a Groundhog Day of Romans 7:15  (the Sinatra passage) loosely translated as:  I don't do what I do want to do, and what I do do is what I don't want to do - do be do be do.

I say:  "I don't want to cross the line.  I won't cross the line.  Where did the line go?  What - its a mile back - how did that happen?  (do be do be do)."  I do this again and again and again (be do be do).

I want to learn to see the line coming my way, so I can choose to stop.  Or choose to keep going.  I want to have a choice about what I do, or don't do.  Choice brings freedom.

Most wisdom traditions say (or imply) that choice comes through awareness, and awareness comes through attention.  And attention begins with choice - and we've come full circle.

I've agreed to take some medical leave in order to get some rest and see if rest helps reduce chronic stress which helps to heal a tired, sore, ill-beating heart.  I will preach on Sunday at Wright UCC, in a pulpit exchange I've been anticipating, but after that, I will rest until the following Sunday.  I will resume writing this blog this Sunday night after observing Sabbath, and will happily share with you what I learn about rest and stress reduction as I pursue this experiment.

Part of me wonders if, by day three of this time of rest, I will resemble someone coming off crack - I've gone on vacation and gotten rest, and I've gone on retreat and rested, but I've never rested to rest - no agenda except healing and rest.  I have no idea what this will be like (breaking out in a cold sweat as I think about it).

Perhaps you, too, find yourself living this passage from Romans - doing what you don't want to do, and not doing what you want to do - again and again and again (be do).  Perhaps you feel as though you are in a rut, and keep ending up in the same place.  It has become cliche to say that if you want change, you have to stop doing the same thing over and over again that brings about predictable results.  Instead, change it up - change something in the equation - shake it up a bit!  I know how to work and "power through," but I don't know how to rest.  So I will try something new, and see if altering the equation leads to a different outcome. 

What new behavior will you try in order to break the cycle of your Romans Groundhog Day?

I'll see you again Sunday night.

Putting the flying monkeys to bed,
Kim