Even though I arrived in Seattle about 5 hours ago, my mind is still driving - perhaps a function of the sheer amount of driving I have done recently. This road trip is not related to search and call, but brings me instead to officiate at a wedding of two dear people I love, who are unable to marry back in Idaho. Even though the State of Idaho battles the "intrusions of big government" whenever it can, it feels justified entering the relationships of consenting adults, and creating legislation that restricts marriage to a commitment between one man and one woman. I'd have more respect for the libertarian spirit so often championed in Idaho if it was applied across the boards, and not just to matters of "the Feds," taxation, and the Second Amendment. Fortunately, this bigoted constitutional amendment is on its way out, and marriage equality is on the horizon. In the meantime, I travel to Seattle to officiate at this most happy of occasions.
Seattle wins the "Most Beautiful Entrance to a City (when entering from the East) Award. Spectacular! Not all cities offer such a breathtaking entrance (think Buffalo or Newark). But this was sheer magic - even with rush hour traffic (more time to enjoy the view) and the torrential rain storm that preceded the entrance to the city (my car is now clean).
I feel like I have been through four seasons in one day! I left Boise on a warm spring day, and travelled across the high desert of eastern Oregon as the heat of the day began to build - that amazing combination of sagebrush desert and desolation that speaks of summer! By Baker City the snow-capped mountains came into view, reminding me of the beauty of fall leading to winter. As I crossed the Columbia, the power of water and spring run off was very much on my mind.
The water tower for Prosser caused me to nod in recognition of a town that would have remained pretty much unknown except for two brothers who liked the color blue and were handy with a football. But blue was not the color for this area - the more traditional color of green made its home here. This was the beginning of my noticing how many different shades of green are present in the great State of Washington!
Turning on to I 90 W gave me a glimpse of breathtaking scenery like Keechelus Lake, and forested hillsides (glorious)! It also provided an important reality check, as I watched the many mile traffic jam build for those poor souls on I 90 E. I guess everyone in Seattle wanted to get an early start on their Memorial Day Weekend plans.
Torrential rain and low cloud on Snoqualmie Pass reminded me of transitional times in the seasons of the year (spring to summer, fall to winter, winter to spring). And then the rain gave way to the sunshine - and a beautiful city!
It takes me awhile to adjust to the different driving styles in different cities. Bay Areas drivers are very different from drivers in Seattle. Here they are surprisingly courteous. The multitude of pedestrians also seem to be surprisingly pleasant - even the woman I almost ran over was courteous (where did all the pedestrians come from - what a shock)! I was relieved to arrive at the hotel before accidentally committing vehicular manslaughter, greet the very happy couple (they are positively glowing), and get settled into my room.
The hotel room windows are open because this grand old hotel does not have air conditioning. The city street sounds remind me of my seminary years spent living in NYC. During the last sixteen days I have experienced the desolation of the high desert (being the only one on the road for as far as the eye could see), the snow and crisp air of the high country, the beautiful but parched landscape of the Bay Area and its traffic jams where cars were standing still for as far as the eye could see, the lush farmland of Washington State, and the abundance of water around the greater Seattle area.
I have lived in cities, and I have lived in remote settings. I have been parched in the desert and drenched in humid climates. I have lived with noise, and I have lived with silence. And although I have preferences, the truth tonight is that I have experienced the Divine in all places. Not just the places that line up with my preferences - but in all places.
In deep snow and scorching sun - in chaotic noise and deep silence - God has been in every and all experiences. Preferences really have little to do with finding God. In fact, experiencing God's presence is not achieved by making sure that external circumstances line up with one's preferences; instead, it is about transcending preferences so one can experience God everywhere. Here. Now.
Wide awake, I listen to the sirens, and busses, and traffic - and think about all the people inhabiting all those sounds. They face an endless stream of opportunities and challenges - joys and sorrows. And God is in the midst of it all. I will hold that thought for them, just in case they are too busy dodging the odd pedestrian to notice.
It has taken me fifty-five years to lose my attachment to place - what a gift! God present in the midst of the cross-walk beeping, or in the veriditas of the forest. The entire earth is holy ground!
Laughter from people down on the street - the sound of the brakes from a passing bus. A plane making its approach to the airport - and, in the liminal space, I am back in the chapel at SFTS with my fellow students (who graduate tomorrow) singing: "Surely God is in this place; Holy Ground. Surely God is in this place; Holy Ground."
It is all Holy Ground - Sallie McFague was right - creation is the Body of God. We stand on Holy Ground, whether we are sleepless in Seattle, or preparing to graduate in San Anselmo. Or living in the Sudan.
Such thoughts might radically alter how we respond to creation! Perhaps even how we respond to one another - and to God!
Happy in my sleeplessness,
Kim
Friday, May 23, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Sabbath Trending High
It is smokin hot today in San Rafael, California. 90 degrees is unseasonably warm - in a place that is bone dry. From my hotel window I can see the shades of brown overtaking the ever hopeful greens on the hillsides. The palm trees around the pool look pretty healthy, but the pool isn't seeing much traffic this afternoon. One old soul sits in the shade reading his paper, but everyone else is out at meetings, or sightseeing at Stinson Beach, or enjoying their room's amenities.
I opted to stay in today so I could hit "send" on my last DASD paper by noon. I had until the 15th, but truth be told, I should have finished it a month ago. Interestingly, I found myself resisting the subject matter, and needed the deadline to push me along. Finishing ahead of deadline almost feels virtuous. Better be careful, or pride will surely follow!
By choosing the DASD/DMin program at SFTS, I consciously chose a program that takes longer to complete, because of the DASD component - a component that must be completed over a three-year cycle (no shortcuts). The time is needed for formation - it is not just a matter of learning the material; it is a matter of living the material. That cannot be rushed.
But with the last paper sent, all my requirements for the DASD are completed - finished - and every moment of the three years was needed, and was worth it. I am glad I did not shorten the formation process. Every moment was used.
I can understand why some folks stop once they compete the DASD - it is certainly the most important part of this journey. I have 3-two week electives remaining, and my written project. If the house sells quickly, I may do one of the electives remotely this summer. Otherwise, forward progress waits for another year. Although I use my DASD training in every aspect of my ministry, it feels (profoundly) like the best coursework I have ever undertaken for myself. The written project at the end of the DMin - that will be my gift to the greater church.
Having sung the praises of the DASD program, it does have one challenging side - it never ends. I hit "send" with the paper, took a deep breath, did a mental celebratory happy dance, and then started thinking about one of the themes in the paper that required follow-through and implementation: Keeping Sabbath.
I have never kept Sabbath. When I have taken my day off, I invariably use it to catch up or get ahead with laundry, housework, and all the zillions of tasks that are part of living in the modern world. This day in no way resembles a Sabbath - it is definitely a day off. And between errands and paperwork and all the things I cram into this precious time, there is nothing that resembles rest. And rarely is there any playtime. It is just another work day - only the nature of the work changes!
I have made a commitment to begin observing Sabbath - a 24 hr period in which I do not work. No catching up on the laundry or writing a paper (or blog, for that matter). No technology - unplugged for 24 hrs. No TV (most programs give me nightmares). A time to spend resting, playing, and enjoying God's company.
I suspect that keeping Sabbath is going to be a struggle (work is familiar for me; rest and play are not). I already know this is going to be one hell of a growing edge. I suspect that keeping Sabbath will have some positive consequences - increased awareness of God, greater balance in my life, as well as some stress reduction. But it is important that I do not keep Sabbath because of the perks - that amounts to using Sabbath for my own ends, which is not all that different from using the day to catch up on laundry. William McNamara calls the practice of keeping Sabbath time "holy leisure," and claims that we modern church folk are terrible at it. Which is all the more reason for committing to keeping Sabbath.
When I mentioned my Sabbath commitment to my son, he shared that NPR has been doing segments on Sabbath keeping, and that it is a hot topic right now. Wow - it is rare that I am ahead of a popular trend. Who would have thought that Sabbath keeping would become trendy - how God must smile. It takes us thousands of years to benefit from wisdom freely shared long ago - maybe we will get it this time.
Do you keep Sabbath?
With fear, trepidation and excitement at trying something new,
Kim
I opted to stay in today so I could hit "send" on my last DASD paper by noon. I had until the 15th, but truth be told, I should have finished it a month ago. Interestingly, I found myself resisting the subject matter, and needed the deadline to push me along. Finishing ahead of deadline almost feels virtuous. Better be careful, or pride will surely follow!
By choosing the DASD/DMin program at SFTS, I consciously chose a program that takes longer to complete, because of the DASD component - a component that must be completed over a three-year cycle (no shortcuts). The time is needed for formation - it is not just a matter of learning the material; it is a matter of living the material. That cannot be rushed.
But with the last paper sent, all my requirements for the DASD are completed - finished - and every moment of the three years was needed, and was worth it. I am glad I did not shorten the formation process. Every moment was used.
I can understand why some folks stop once they compete the DASD - it is certainly the most important part of this journey. I have 3-two week electives remaining, and my written project. If the house sells quickly, I may do one of the electives remotely this summer. Otherwise, forward progress waits for another year. Although I use my DASD training in every aspect of my ministry, it feels (profoundly) like the best coursework I have ever undertaken for myself. The written project at the end of the DMin - that will be my gift to the greater church.
Having sung the praises of the DASD program, it does have one challenging side - it never ends. I hit "send" with the paper, took a deep breath, did a mental celebratory happy dance, and then started thinking about one of the themes in the paper that required follow-through and implementation: Keeping Sabbath.
I have never kept Sabbath. When I have taken my day off, I invariably use it to catch up or get ahead with laundry, housework, and all the zillions of tasks that are part of living in the modern world. This day in no way resembles a Sabbath - it is definitely a day off. And between errands and paperwork and all the things I cram into this precious time, there is nothing that resembles rest. And rarely is there any playtime. It is just another work day - only the nature of the work changes!
I have made a commitment to begin observing Sabbath - a 24 hr period in which I do not work. No catching up on the laundry or writing a paper (or blog, for that matter). No technology - unplugged for 24 hrs. No TV (most programs give me nightmares). A time to spend resting, playing, and enjoying God's company.
I suspect that keeping Sabbath is going to be a struggle (work is familiar for me; rest and play are not). I already know this is going to be one hell of a growing edge. I suspect that keeping Sabbath will have some positive consequences - increased awareness of God, greater balance in my life, as well as some stress reduction. But it is important that I do not keep Sabbath because of the perks - that amounts to using Sabbath for my own ends, which is not all that different from using the day to catch up on laundry. William McNamara calls the practice of keeping Sabbath time "holy leisure," and claims that we modern church folk are terrible at it. Which is all the more reason for committing to keeping Sabbath.
When I mentioned my Sabbath commitment to my son, he shared that NPR has been doing segments on Sabbath keeping, and that it is a hot topic right now. Wow - it is rare that I am ahead of a popular trend. Who would have thought that Sabbath keeping would become trendy - how God must smile. It takes us thousands of years to benefit from wisdom freely shared long ago - maybe we will get it this time.
Do you keep Sabbath?
With fear, trepidation and excitement at trying something new,
Kim
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Lightening the Heavy Load
Tonight's entry comes from Reno, Nevada - the city that makes pink neon casino fronts and adjacent green backlit buildings "work" (somehow). The drive today was mostly relaxing, and road construction delays gave me ample opportunity to stop and enjoy the scenery. There were beautiful blue and yellow wildflowers, and the sand dunes in very windy Nevada looked spectacular. I used a different word to describe the sand storms generated by the high winds. The friendly people at Sawtooth Station are doing well - hoping that the winds die down so spraying can be done (crops, I assume). And the "best sign of the trip thus far" no longer resides with "Chicken Dinner Road," but was won by one of the TA stores on I 80 between Winnemucca and Reno. The sign was a great reminder that even in Nevada, the devil is in the details. Either the text needs to be proofread before the big flashing electronic sign is turned on, or there are some bulbs missing in the display. Either way, when you have the letter "u" in place of the letter "o" in the word slot, your large flashing sign does not read: Winning Slot Machines!!!!! One can only hope it was an error.
Although this will be a busy week, it is also a time to unwind and relocate center. The driving will help, as will my time in California. My traveling companions this trip are old friends. I am re-reading Jeff Foster's "The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life." Letting go and acceptance continue to be growing edges for me, and I hope that a second read of this very good book will help me to have a heart-grasp of the ideas. Walter Brueggemann's new book "Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now" has already stopped me in my tracks - in a good way - and given me much to ponder. I assume Richard Rohr will do the same in his new book "Silent Compassion: Finding God in Contemplation." Ditto for Henry Cloud, as I find myself, a year later, re-reading one of his best books on leadership: "Necessary Endings." Anam Thubten and Pema Chodron also came along for the ride - they remain faithful companions on my journey.
The place that has most of my attention tonight is the last paper for my DASD/DMin work for this year - this is also the last assignment for the DASD, which will be completed with the submission of this paper. The course is on discernment, and the focus has been our own discernment journey - noticing how we notice God at work in our life. The assignment was brilliant - during the Fall of 2013, we had to make ten journal entries (approximately one per week) whenever we would notice something in or around us that had a "God resonance" to it. After completing the entries, reading the texts for the course, and attending Intensive, we were instructed to go back to these ten entries and analyze them as if there were a text, looking for evidence of God's
leading/guidance/presence/challenge/comfort/etc. Engaging the course readings, lectures, small group experiences and journal entries, we were to observe what had taken shape - what had evolved - how God speaks through all of this.
The unfolding results are profound and elegant in their simplicity. I am amazed. And I have to stop saying "I don't know" - because I do know; I do have the answers to some key questions and concerns that have weighed heavily on my heart. The answers have been there all along, waiting until I was ready to hear them. And live them.
Sometimes we make things harder than they need to be. What a blessing when truth mirrors us back simplified (thank you, Joni, for that image - even if slightly reimagined from your "Refuge of the Roads").
May heart and humor and humility also lighten my heavy load - and yours,
Kim
Although this will be a busy week, it is also a time to unwind and relocate center. The driving will help, as will my time in California. My traveling companions this trip are old friends. I am re-reading Jeff Foster's "The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life." Letting go and acceptance continue to be growing edges for me, and I hope that a second read of this very good book will help me to have a heart-grasp of the ideas. Walter Brueggemann's new book "Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now" has already stopped me in my tracks - in a good way - and given me much to ponder. I assume Richard Rohr will do the same in his new book "Silent Compassion: Finding God in Contemplation." Ditto for Henry Cloud, as I find myself, a year later, re-reading one of his best books on leadership: "Necessary Endings." Anam Thubten and Pema Chodron also came along for the ride - they remain faithful companions on my journey.
The place that has most of my attention tonight is the last paper for my DASD/DMin work for this year - this is also the last assignment for the DASD, which will be completed with the submission of this paper. The course is on discernment, and the focus has been our own discernment journey - noticing how we notice God at work in our life. The assignment was brilliant - during the Fall of 2013, we had to make ten journal entries (approximately one per week) whenever we would notice something in or around us that had a "God resonance" to it. After completing the entries, reading the texts for the course, and attending Intensive, we were instructed to go back to these ten entries and analyze them as if there were a text, looking for evidence of God's
leading/guidance/presence/challenge/comfort/etc. Engaging the course readings, lectures, small group experiences and journal entries, we were to observe what had taken shape - what had evolved - how God speaks through all of this.
The unfolding results are profound and elegant in their simplicity. I am amazed. And I have to stop saying "I don't know" - because I do know; I do have the answers to some key questions and concerns that have weighed heavily on my heart. The answers have been there all along, waiting until I was ready to hear them. And live them.
Sometimes we make things harder than they need to be. What a blessing when truth mirrors us back simplified (thank you, Joni, for that image - even if slightly reimagined from your "Refuge of the Roads").
May heart and humor and humility also lighten my heavy load - and yours,
Kim
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Tomb/Womb Time - or - the Peace that Passes Understanding
I have always loved Holy Saturday. Richard Rohr calls it "liminal time" - the time after death and before resurrection. A time to rest and allow things to come together. Tomb - womb - interesting.
There are many things I do each year during Lent in order to prepare my heart for Easter. They are rituals and experiences that I love, and I find comfort and strength in moving through these touchstones of the Lenten journey. In the end, the hope (goal?) is that my heart will be more open to experiencing God's presence in my life - more open to that resurrection energy, that can then empower me for service. Sadly, I was unable to do most of the Lenten rituals that are so meaningful to me, and I confess that I was concerned that I would come to Easter without the joy and peace that comes from intentionally taking this journey.
Then on Friday - unexpectedly - an amazing sense of peace overtook me (for no apparent reason - I guess that is why it is called "the peace that passes understanding"). It settled into my heart and opened it like a flower. I was stunned - awed - and deeply grateful. Then I remembered again that peace is not something that we can manufacture - it is a gift, freely given, from our loving God whose hands and feet are pierced. God knows - yes indeed, God knows...and God understands...and God is with us.
We are not alone as we move through any situation that is like a death - God moves through the situation with us, and promised to bring us from death to life. We do not have to make it happen - it is the very nature of God to do this. We can cooperate, but we are not called to do all the heavy lifting. Jesus did not resurrect himself, roll the stone away, and then relax after all that hard work. Matthew's Gospel is very clear: "He has been raised." God's love in action - for us all.
I allow this love and peace to fill me to overflowing, and look forward to bringing this joy to tomorrow's Celebration of the Resurrection.
Deep peace,
Kim
There are many things I do each year during Lent in order to prepare my heart for Easter. They are rituals and experiences that I love, and I find comfort and strength in moving through these touchstones of the Lenten journey. In the end, the hope (goal?) is that my heart will be more open to experiencing God's presence in my life - more open to that resurrection energy, that can then empower me for service. Sadly, I was unable to do most of the Lenten rituals that are so meaningful to me, and I confess that I was concerned that I would come to Easter without the joy and peace that comes from intentionally taking this journey.
Then on Friday - unexpectedly - an amazing sense of peace overtook me (for no apparent reason - I guess that is why it is called "the peace that passes understanding"). It settled into my heart and opened it like a flower. I was stunned - awed - and deeply grateful. Then I remembered again that peace is not something that we can manufacture - it is a gift, freely given, from our loving God whose hands and feet are pierced. God knows - yes indeed, God knows...and God understands...and God is with us.
We are not alone as we move through any situation that is like a death - God moves through the situation with us, and promised to bring us from death to life. We do not have to make it happen - it is the very nature of God to do this. We can cooperate, but we are not called to do all the heavy lifting. Jesus did not resurrect himself, roll the stone away, and then relax after all that hard work. Matthew's Gospel is very clear: "He has been raised." God's love in action - for us all.
I allow this love and peace to fill me to overflowing, and look forward to bringing this joy to tomorrow's Celebration of the Resurrection.
Deep peace,
Kim
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Just because...
Just because a person took the time to write a book (that I have never read - and probably would not read), and just because another person read that book and found it to be meaningful, and just because that other person (whom I've never met), shared a story from that book with a group of teens during a Bible Study (in a church that I probably would never attend - certainly not for a teen Bible Study), and just because one of the other leaders for this group was touched by the story and remembered it (even though she has never read the book), she was able to share the story with me today.
And the story was exactly what I needed to hear!
I stand humbled and in awe of the creative ways God continues to speak!
Never underestimate the creative ways in which God might speak through you -
Blessings for your Holy Week journey,
Kim
And the story was exactly what I needed to hear!
I stand humbled and in awe of the creative ways God continues to speak!
Never underestimate the creative ways in which God might speak through you -
Blessings for your Holy Week journey,
Kim
Sunday, April 6, 2014
"Enoughness" - and Hitching Posts
I absolutely love this word - enoughness. It leapt off the page as I read today's meditation in Joan Chittister's daily devotional entitled "The Rule of Benedict: A Spirituality for the 21st Century." In the same paragraph she uses a word that I like far less: dependence. She manages to put them together in a way that invites further reflection:
"We live in a culture that sees having things as the measure of our success. We strive for a life that sees eliminating things as the measure of internal wealth. Enoughness is a value long dead in Western society. Dependence on God is a value long lost. Yet, enoughness and dependence on God may be what is lacking in a society where consumerism and accumulation have become the root diseases of a world in which everything is not enough and nothing satisfies." (p 235).
Ouch. I feel the pinch of enoughness as I go through the ritual of sorting through "stuff" - what is saved, what is given away, what is sold? How much is enough? I usually find downsizing to feel liberating, but for some reason I am not there - yet. Instead, I am finding memories and their "things" to be a bit sticky, and hard to release. Yesterday I spent a few hours in the yarn closet, sorting out yarn for the sale I am having next weekend. I picked up a cone of wool purchased in Orkney in 2000; silk from my studies in Denmark; cotton from my favorite place in Arizona; amazing wool from northern New Mexico - the week I spent learning rug weaving in Los Ojos. I did not speak Spanish, and the woman on the loom next to mine did not speak English, yet she taught me so much about feeling the weaving - it was an amazing experience. Wool from Iran that I bought from the teacher in London who spent a week teaching me how to tie knots for Persian rugs - she had learned the art in Iran, and brought back wool, tools, and many memories. She shared them with me as I made thousands of knots - trying to teach my fingers to weave in a new way. So many memories - yesterday my fingers ached to hold a shuttle and be part of weaving cloth. Maybe sometime soon; right now I am busy weaving my life.
I do not know what to do with Joan's call to dependence on God. I never know where to draw that line, thinking of the Sufi saying: Praise Allah, and tie your camel to a post. I pray the Prayer of Abandonment each day, but often end it with "but please know that I am willing to do my part - and will - as soon as I know exactly what that part is." I do not want to be a lazy disciple (I tell myself). I am willing to do the work - God does not have to do it for me (I even feel virtuous saying that).
Then I remember that here in the wilderness, it is not my hard work, virtue, or cleverness that is going to move me through this experience. Instead, it is openness, awareness, and my willingness to respond to God's presence that will make the difference. Unless I slow down and pay attention, I will miss the water and honey, and subtle directions that lead me home - wherever home is.
What would it mean to integrate enoughness and dependence on God - to make one of two, as the Gospel of Thomas would say. What might that look like?
Resting for the night - and then walking on,
Kim
"We live in a culture that sees having things as the measure of our success. We strive for a life that sees eliminating things as the measure of internal wealth. Enoughness is a value long dead in Western society. Dependence on God is a value long lost. Yet, enoughness and dependence on God may be what is lacking in a society where consumerism and accumulation have become the root diseases of a world in which everything is not enough and nothing satisfies." (p 235).
Ouch. I feel the pinch of enoughness as I go through the ritual of sorting through "stuff" - what is saved, what is given away, what is sold? How much is enough? I usually find downsizing to feel liberating, but for some reason I am not there - yet. Instead, I am finding memories and their "things" to be a bit sticky, and hard to release. Yesterday I spent a few hours in the yarn closet, sorting out yarn for the sale I am having next weekend. I picked up a cone of wool purchased in Orkney in 2000; silk from my studies in Denmark; cotton from my favorite place in Arizona; amazing wool from northern New Mexico - the week I spent learning rug weaving in Los Ojos. I did not speak Spanish, and the woman on the loom next to mine did not speak English, yet she taught me so much about feeling the weaving - it was an amazing experience. Wool from Iran that I bought from the teacher in London who spent a week teaching me how to tie knots for Persian rugs - she had learned the art in Iran, and brought back wool, tools, and many memories. She shared them with me as I made thousands of knots - trying to teach my fingers to weave in a new way. So many memories - yesterday my fingers ached to hold a shuttle and be part of weaving cloth. Maybe sometime soon; right now I am busy weaving my life.
I do not know what to do with Joan's call to dependence on God. I never know where to draw that line, thinking of the Sufi saying: Praise Allah, and tie your camel to a post. I pray the Prayer of Abandonment each day, but often end it with "but please know that I am willing to do my part - and will - as soon as I know exactly what that part is." I do not want to be a lazy disciple (I tell myself). I am willing to do the work - God does not have to do it for me (I even feel virtuous saying that).
Then I remember that here in the wilderness, it is not my hard work, virtue, or cleverness that is going to move me through this experience. Instead, it is openness, awareness, and my willingness to respond to God's presence that will make the difference. Unless I slow down and pay attention, I will miss the water and honey, and subtle directions that lead me home - wherever home is.
What would it mean to integrate enoughness and dependence on God - to make one of two, as the Gospel of Thomas would say. What might that look like?
Resting for the night - and then walking on,
Kim
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Precious - Present - Presence
Endings and transitions heighten my tendency for reflective pondering - for looking at events (recent and historic) in terms of patterns and meanings - seeing the detail and larger story, and wondering how it all fits into bigger pictures. Into the meta story.
Truth-naming. Meaning-making. Story-telling. Dream-seeing. Reality-accepting. Life-living.
Process.
And as the focus of this current ending and transition is vocational - ministry - much reflection right now involves my pastoral identity and experience. I sit with memories, recent experiences, questions and assumptions, and ponder what it means to be an effective and successful pastor (while simultaneously wondering if words like effective and successful are even rational descriptors for ministry).
In the midst of all this reflection, two powerful experiences came into focus: One is a memory, and the other, an unexpected moment of grace.
The memory: It is my Service of Installation as Pastor, and Teacher here at Boise First. At one point during the liturgy, I passed into an experience of non-ordinary reality - I was simultaneously standing in the installation service at every church I had served as Pastor. Decades of time and thousands of miles separated these experiences, and yet there was a unity - a oneness - about the experiences, even though each one was distinct (yet simultaneous). It was a powerful moment that rendered me speechless, and the resonance of that moment remains to this day. The memory returned as I sat during morning prayer and reflected on the meaning of ministry.
The moment of grace: As I savored this precious memory, my thoughts then turned to my ministry as a pastor, and my mind was flooded with all the categories I (and society) use to evaluate ministerial "performance"- all the markers that are so easily used to determine whether or not ministry is successful. As my mind raced through an evaluative matrix of quantitative and qualitative metrics (it was as awful as it sounds), it was as if my mind accelerated enough to finally slip out of orbit, and I found myself - suddenly and unexpectedly - in a very quiet and peaceful place.
And in my arms was the baby I baptized last Sunday - his parents were beside me. And I heard the voice of Wisdom say: If this were your only act of ministry at Boise First, would it be enough? Without hesitation, I answered "yes."
And then I was in my previous church, looking into eyes of a teen who spend many hours talking to me about painful matters of the heart. And the voice asked again: If this had been your only act of ministry in this church, would it be enough? Of course.
Slowly, I revisited each church I had served, and in each case there was a face - a person - a story of a time I had entered into the reality of life with someone entrusted to my care. And each time, I could see that this one experience, even if it had been the only experience, was enough. It was not about how many of them had happened (quantitative) nor was it about the outcome of these encounters (qualitative). The power was the encounter - the presence of God inspiriting our presence with one another.
As these faces and stories filled my heart, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that ministry happens in moments of presence and care, and that the world of quantitative evaluative metrics is rubbish when applied to ministry. It is like trying to create a subtle water color painting using neon spray paint and sledge hammers. You can create a painting - but the tools do not allow you to capture the essence and soul of the desired experience.
Truth-naming. Meaning-making. Story-telling. Dream-seeing. Reality-accepting. Life-living.
Process.
And as the focus of this current ending and transition is vocational - ministry - much reflection right now involves my pastoral identity and experience. I sit with memories, recent experiences, questions and assumptions, and ponder what it means to be an effective and successful pastor (while simultaneously wondering if words like effective and successful are even rational descriptors for ministry).
In the midst of all this reflection, two powerful experiences came into focus: One is a memory, and the other, an unexpected moment of grace.
The memory: It is my Service of Installation as Pastor, and Teacher here at Boise First. At one point during the liturgy, I passed into an experience of non-ordinary reality - I was simultaneously standing in the installation service at every church I had served as Pastor. Decades of time and thousands of miles separated these experiences, and yet there was a unity - a oneness - about the experiences, even though each one was distinct (yet simultaneous). It was a powerful moment that rendered me speechless, and the resonance of that moment remains to this day. The memory returned as I sat during morning prayer and reflected on the meaning of ministry.
The moment of grace: As I savored this precious memory, my thoughts then turned to my ministry as a pastor, and my mind was flooded with all the categories I (and society) use to evaluate ministerial "performance"- all the markers that are so easily used to determine whether or not ministry is successful. As my mind raced through an evaluative matrix of quantitative and qualitative metrics (it was as awful as it sounds), it was as if my mind accelerated enough to finally slip out of orbit, and I found myself - suddenly and unexpectedly - in a very quiet and peaceful place.
And in my arms was the baby I baptized last Sunday - his parents were beside me. And I heard the voice of Wisdom say: If this were your only act of ministry at Boise First, would it be enough? Without hesitation, I answered "yes."
And then I was in my previous church, looking into eyes of a teen who spend many hours talking to me about painful matters of the heart. And the voice asked again: If this had been your only act of ministry in this church, would it be enough? Of course.
Slowly, I revisited each church I had served, and in each case there was a face - a person - a story of a time I had entered into the reality of life with someone entrusted to my care. And each time, I could see that this one experience, even if it had been the only experience, was enough. It was not about how many of them had happened (quantitative) nor was it about the outcome of these encounters (qualitative). The power was the encounter - the presence of God inspiriting our presence with one another.
As these faces and stories filled my heart, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that ministry happens in moments of presence and care, and that the world of quantitative evaluative metrics is rubbish when applied to ministry. It is like trying to create a subtle water color painting using neon spray paint and sledge hammers. You can create a painting - but the tools do not allow you to capture the essence and soul of the desired experience.
Ministry is lived and celebrated in the moments - with individuals, families and communities. God inspirits and abides in these moments. It is where God's realm opens and where love lives - Holy Ground.
The witness of Rabbi Jesus throughout the gospels is one moment after another of encounters - of a ministry of presence - meeting people in their present moment and creating space for healing and wholeness - for honesty and transformation. It was always one moment at a time - with real people and all the messy and complicated stuff of life.
Ministry is like a beautiful strand of precious beads - cherished one bead/one person/one encounter at a time - strung together in love and held in a reality encompassing but greater than the present moment - part of something greater than itself - held in very heart of God. This is my pearl of great price - worthy of the sacrifice.
Thank you, loving God, for the gift of remembrance and refreshment. Tonight I will rest, and then joyfully continue my trek through the wilderness.
With a song in my heart,
Kim
Thank you, loving God, for the gift of remembrance and refreshment. Tonight I will rest, and then joyfully continue my trek through the wilderness.
With a song in my heart,
Kim
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