Two steps forward; five steps back. Three step forward; one step back. Two steps forward; three steps back. Six steps forward; four steps back. One step forward; hold ground.
Net gain: 1
I live in hope that one day growth and forward progress will be unencumbered by the ever-present back step. I finished my day and sat down to evaluate my choices and decisions during this week - progress in some areas, regression in other. Huge amount of energy expended. Net gain: 1
I wise person would celebrate this as progress.
But tonight I struggle with the "time" portion of the truth - love - time equation. I do not like that I measure my ability to shift behaviors and gain greater awareness, presence and capacity for love in terms of a huge number of steps that result in Net Gain: 1. My wounded soul says: "that is all you were able to accomplish with what you were given this week - only a net gain of 1!?! Look at all those backward steps - what were you thinking?!?"
How hard it is for me to believe that instead of words of condemnation, the universe rejoices and God holds my face in God's hands and says: "Look what you have done, my beloved. Net Gain: 1! You took one whole step! Well done!"
My heart hears the first voice (failure) while also hearing the second (well done)! I struggle to listen to the encouraging voice - but choose it despite my ambivalence. Each time I choose it, I hear it more clearly...and begin to see grace in one glorious step.
We have many competing inner voices, but not all the voices lead to health and wholeness. The ones we listen to, the ones we "feed" with our attention, are the ones we hear clearly - the ones that then help to set the pattern for our life.
Which voices do you feed - the failure/destructive voices, or the well done/nurturing voices? We do have the choice...
I will write again Sunday evening, as we begin the Holy Week journey.
Blessings,
Kim
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Solo Dios Basta
I seem to be living in and out of linear time right now. Although it is almost Thursday, tonight I am beginning to incorporate an experience I had Monday evening. After I had finished with the computer, I tidied up my papers, spent time with the Examen and then prepared to call it a night. While busy wrapping up the day, I heard it - clear as could be. That inner voice - God voice - wise voice - pay attention voice - speaking clearly in my heart, and saying something I wasn't expecting to hear.
An Epiphany of the most unexpected kind!
It has taken me 'till today to start processing it. I am beginning to sink into the reality that was opened to me - again the downward journey. Where will this realization take me?
I close tonight with a poem of Teresa of Avila, which is quoted in one of my favorite books by Gerald May, entitled The Dark Night of the Soul:
Let nothing disturb you;
Let nothing make you afraid;
All things pass;
But God is unchanging,
Patience
is enough for everything.
You who have God
lack nothing.
God alone is sufficient.
Solo Dios basta.
With love,
Kim
An Epiphany of the most unexpected kind!
It has taken me 'till today to start processing it. I am beginning to sink into the reality that was opened to me - again the downward journey. Where will this realization take me?
I close tonight with a poem of Teresa of Avila, which is quoted in one of my favorite books by Gerald May, entitled The Dark Night of the Soul:
Let nothing disturb you;
Let nothing make you afraid;
All things pass;
But God is unchanging,
Patience
is enough for everything.
You who have God
lack nothing.
God alone is sufficient.
Solo Dios basta.
With love,
Kim
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thin Places
In the course of my ministry there are moments - painful moments - when I am able to see with my own eyes the capacity of the human heart to hold both unspeakable pain and grief as well as life-giving hope. Those experiences are deeply holy moments, and when I enter one, I want to remove my shoes because I'm standing on holy ground.
There is nothing stronger or more fragile than the human heart. And when the heart shatters into a million shards of emotional glass, it is the hand of God that holds the pieces together until they are whole again - of that I am sure!
New ministers that I've supervised over the years often asked how it was possible to journey with people as they face the tragedies of life without experiencing ministerial burn-out. You can't tell them that they will probably never sense a host of unseen angels filling a room during a committee meeting, nor will they probably sense the healing hand of God at work while working on the Annual Report. But in those moments when they are privileged to journey into the dark, pain-filled places of life, they will quickly discover that they've entered into a "thin place" where the ministering angels are almost visible, and one can feel God holding together the fragile, pain-filled beating hearts - even their own.
God stands in the agony with those who are suffering, and doesn't turn away. And I believe it is that courageous loving presence of God that helps the human heart to experience a glimmer of hope even when shattered by unbearable pain.
Could there be any greater miracle?
Humbled,
Kim
There is nothing stronger or more fragile than the human heart. And when the heart shatters into a million shards of emotional glass, it is the hand of God that holds the pieces together until they are whole again - of that I am sure!
New ministers that I've supervised over the years often asked how it was possible to journey with people as they face the tragedies of life without experiencing ministerial burn-out. You can't tell them that they will probably never sense a host of unseen angels filling a room during a committee meeting, nor will they probably sense the healing hand of God at work while working on the Annual Report. But in those moments when they are privileged to journey into the dark, pain-filled places of life, they will quickly discover that they've entered into a "thin place" where the ministering angels are almost visible, and one can feel God holding together the fragile, pain-filled beating hearts - even their own.
God stands in the agony with those who are suffering, and doesn't turn away. And I believe it is that courageous loving presence of God that helps the human heart to experience a glimmer of hope even when shattered by unbearable pain.
Could there be any greater miracle?
Humbled,
Kim
Monday, March 26, 2012
DESIRE
Desire. I have a short stack of books to read that all relate to the idea of finding God within our desires. This notion is not new in the realm of spirituality, but is certainly new to me.
Oh, I've heard the admonitions before: "Follow your bliss, and it will lead you to God." And everytime I heard that, I would think, "yea, sure - tell me another one."
Ouch! That was cynical...but true. I can locate God in "follow your duty," or "follow what is expected of you," or "follow the rules" or "follow tradition," even "follow what you have to do to meet the needs of others," but follow your bliss? Find God in your desires? It sounds almost hedonistic, and certainly self-centered. And wrong.
But then, slowing down sounded wrong, too, and I'm learning that what sounds wrong to me may just mean that it sounds different - or unexpected - or contrary to what I've done in the past. Or invites change. Wrong is my default label, and it lives up to its name.
Desire. It is amazing to think that (perhaps) God can inspirit the deepest longings of our heart...our core desires...and that as we become aware of them, name them, and embrace them, we grow deeper into our awareness of God.
It raises some interesting questions. What are my deep desires - the longings of my heart? Not the superficial stuff (like an earth box to grow herbs in or a peace treaty with the quails who have taken over the backyard so I can sit outside sometimes) but the things that to even name leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed - the real foundational desires. Can I find them, and name them - can I even say them out loud and offer them to God? Can I embrace them and celebrate them, and pursue them?
Can you?
Hmmmmm......
Kim
Oh, I've heard the admonitions before: "Follow your bliss, and it will lead you to God." And everytime I heard that, I would think, "yea, sure - tell me another one."
Ouch! That was cynical...but true. I can locate God in "follow your duty," or "follow what is expected of you," or "follow the rules" or "follow tradition," even "follow what you have to do to meet the needs of others," but follow your bliss? Find God in your desires? It sounds almost hedonistic, and certainly self-centered. And wrong.
But then, slowing down sounded wrong, too, and I'm learning that what sounds wrong to me may just mean that it sounds different - or unexpected - or contrary to what I've done in the past. Or invites change. Wrong is my default label, and it lives up to its name.
Desire. It is amazing to think that (perhaps) God can inspirit the deepest longings of our heart...our core desires...and that as we become aware of them, name them, and embrace them, we grow deeper into our awareness of God.
It raises some interesting questions. What are my deep desires - the longings of my heart? Not the superficial stuff (like an earth box to grow herbs in or a peace treaty with the quails who have taken over the backyard so I can sit outside sometimes) but the things that to even name leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed - the real foundational desires. Can I find them, and name them - can I even say them out loud and offer them to God? Can I embrace them and celebrate them, and pursue them?
Can you?
Hmmmmm......
Kim
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Moving at the Speed of Rock on the White Knuckle Change Express
I am listening to the sound of the rain on the roof. It isn't a heavy rain that pounds on the roof and leaves you wondering if it will pour into the house and assist with the spring cleaning. It is a "just enough" rain so that the soothing, cleansing sound can be heard over the clicking of the keypad. I watched amazing cloud formations today - the precursors of this storm. I am fascinated by clouds (always have been). I watch them form and move and change with such a fluid grace - adapting and responding and then continuing on their merry cloud way.
If only I could be more like the clouds (in the graceful, adapting and responding way)! Again today I knew I had hit my limit after I had passed it by five miles. I sat at my desk and realized that I didn't have any energy left to get to my car and drive home (ooops). So I sat and watched the tree and the clouds, and then went down to my car and sat for awhile, watching more clouds and the odd squirrel who was busy enjoying the gifts of spring. Then home to rest, but frustrated by the experience! Time to take the speed down another notch - but what operates at the speed between turtle and rock? Augh!
Changes - adjustments - fine tuning - disappointment - adjustment - more fine tuning - more disappointment - adjustment - glimmer of hope - deep breath - adjustment - miscue - changes - more adjustments - looking for the glimmer of hope - having faith that the hope will come - breathing deeply - resting in faith...
There are times in life when all one can do is keep riding the wave of change, while holding on for dear life!
It isn't the most enjoyable ride in the park, but it has unexpected perks. When I remember to stay focused on observing God's movement on this ride, I am not disappointed. God continues to bring grace into my life in the most unexpected ways - the kindness of people, a squirrel ballet, the subtle shift of colors in the sky, enough energy to get from my desk to my car (and that miracle was right up there with the parting of the Red Sea), and the willingness to stay with this phase of the journey to see where it leads.
I would like to tell you that you will never find yourself on this particular ride, but a lie is not right speech. Life has these times, and thank goodness they are not forever. When you find yourself on the "White Knuckle Change Express" hanging on for dear life, look for God in the midst of the experience. You will not be disappointed.
What then is the speed of rock? Well, I guess it depends on what kind of rock we're discussing. The ancient rock along the fault line that runs near Borah Peak moves very slowly - but is moving nonetheless. Sand on a beach at the coast travels much more quickly. It is swept into the water and then sun bathes on the beach. Sometime it plays with the children, provides a home for all manner of life, and molds itself to its environment. Sand is very active rock - experienced rock - wise rock, possessing a perspective that the wise old grandparents making up the mountains of the West do not share. Two different kinds of wisdom - both possessing great value. And sometimes (but not always) the sand can remember when it made its journey from the mountains to the sea, from slow time to dancing in the water to living at the junction of land and sea.
Tonight my mind will dance like sand, while my body moves slowly like the ancient rocks in Custer County. This time will not not last forever, and perhaps I will gain some wisdom and new perspective through this experience - that is the beauty and blessing of change.
Blessings,
Kim
If only I could be more like the clouds (in the graceful, adapting and responding way)! Again today I knew I had hit my limit after I had passed it by five miles. I sat at my desk and realized that I didn't have any energy left to get to my car and drive home (ooops). So I sat and watched the tree and the clouds, and then went down to my car and sat for awhile, watching more clouds and the odd squirrel who was busy enjoying the gifts of spring. Then home to rest, but frustrated by the experience! Time to take the speed down another notch - but what operates at the speed between turtle and rock? Augh!
Changes - adjustments - fine tuning - disappointment - adjustment - more fine tuning - more disappointment - adjustment - glimmer of hope - deep breath - adjustment - miscue - changes - more adjustments - looking for the glimmer of hope - having faith that the hope will come - breathing deeply - resting in faith...
There are times in life when all one can do is keep riding the wave of change, while holding on for dear life!
It isn't the most enjoyable ride in the park, but it has unexpected perks. When I remember to stay focused on observing God's movement on this ride, I am not disappointed. God continues to bring grace into my life in the most unexpected ways - the kindness of people, a squirrel ballet, the subtle shift of colors in the sky, enough energy to get from my desk to my car (and that miracle was right up there with the parting of the Red Sea), and the willingness to stay with this phase of the journey to see where it leads.
I would like to tell you that you will never find yourself on this particular ride, but a lie is not right speech. Life has these times, and thank goodness they are not forever. When you find yourself on the "White Knuckle Change Express" hanging on for dear life, look for God in the midst of the experience. You will not be disappointed.
What then is the speed of rock? Well, I guess it depends on what kind of rock we're discussing. The ancient rock along the fault line that runs near Borah Peak moves very slowly - but is moving nonetheless. Sand on a beach at the coast travels much more quickly. It is swept into the water and then sun bathes on the beach. Sometime it plays with the children, provides a home for all manner of life, and molds itself to its environment. Sand is very active rock - experienced rock - wise rock, possessing a perspective that the wise old grandparents making up the mountains of the West do not share. Two different kinds of wisdom - both possessing great value. And sometimes (but not always) the sand can remember when it made its journey from the mountains to the sea, from slow time to dancing in the water to living at the junction of land and sea.
Tonight my mind will dance like sand, while my body moves slowly like the ancient rocks in Custer County. This time will not not last forever, and perhaps I will gain some wisdom and new perspective through this experience - that is the beauty and blessing of change.
Blessings,
Kim
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Can you feel it?
What a beautiful day to sit outside and watch the hawks soar in their circle dance. It was a magnificent experience, as was the weather. It is hard to have a care on a day like today. I feel myself slowing down - even though my schedule screeched to a halt days ago, it has taken me a while to catch up and stop - almost. I'm not yet completely stopped, but I have definitely slowed down...enough to see the hawks in their sacred dance and an unnamed smallest bird hoping from branch to branch (again and again) in a tall pine tree. I noticed new life on the rose bushes, and new weeds in the garden. My breath is a little bit deeper, and naps come quite easily to me after a little while of activity. I've stopped fighting all these things - perhaps that is why I am slowing down. Finally.
William McNamara, OCD, one of my favorite modern Christian mystics, has long written about the importance of "holy leisure" in the development of the soul. In Wild and Robust, he compares and contrasts a life focused on the Protestant Work Ethic of work, work, and more good work with the expansiveness and creativity that can be achieved when one "wastes time" luxuriating in God's presence - in contemplative awareness. I admit that in the past when I've read the many references McNamara makes to Holy Leisure, I usually skimmed over them and looked for more interesting information. You'd think by now I'd learn that what I choose to skip over usually is my best teacher. And so today I relaxed into the soaring of the hawks - and of God embodied in creation. Instead of making my prayer time a series of petitions offered in the most proper of formats, my prayer today was wordless, and would have been soundless except for a deep sigh as I relaxed back into the soaring wings of God.
Holy leisure - do you allow yourself to relax - to play - to pray wordlessly in God's presence? Or are you always busy attempting many things - many good things? Are you carrying the ever-present Realm of God on your shoulders, or allowing it to sweep you up in its dance? It is a little scary to think about letting go of how we've always done things, but just look at the beauty of this freedom dance...can you feel the music?
I will write again Sunday evening after I spend a bit more time resting with God (and returning to work on Sunday). In the meantime -
Let yourself feel the music, if only for a moment, and be free...
Sigh,
Kim
William McNamara, OCD, one of my favorite modern Christian mystics, has long written about the importance of "holy leisure" in the development of the soul. In Wild and Robust, he compares and contrasts a life focused on the Protestant Work Ethic of work, work, and more good work with the expansiveness and creativity that can be achieved when one "wastes time" luxuriating in God's presence - in contemplative awareness. I admit that in the past when I've read the many references McNamara makes to Holy Leisure, I usually skimmed over them and looked for more interesting information. You'd think by now I'd learn that what I choose to skip over usually is my best teacher. And so today I relaxed into the soaring of the hawks - and of God embodied in creation. Instead of making my prayer time a series of petitions offered in the most proper of formats, my prayer today was wordless, and would have been soundless except for a deep sigh as I relaxed back into the soaring wings of God.
Holy leisure - do you allow yourself to relax - to play - to pray wordlessly in God's presence? Or are you always busy attempting many things - many good things? Are you carrying the ever-present Realm of God on your shoulders, or allowing it to sweep you up in its dance? It is a little scary to think about letting go of how we've always done things, but just look at the beauty of this freedom dance...can you feel the music?
I will write again Sunday evening after I spend a bit more time resting with God (and returning to work on Sunday). In the meantime -
Let yourself feel the music, if only for a moment, and be free...
Sigh,
Kim
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Spiritual Aspirin
It seems that aspirin, the simple medicine that people first extracted from willow bark, has a new and exciting application. Not only does it reduce fevers, inflammation and help with cardiac issues, but now it may also help to prevent certain types of cancer. That is quite a lot of hope and healing packed into one, simple tablet!
In the spiritual life there is an equally simple medicine that helps bring about healing, change and transformation: The formula Truth - Love - Time (or truth - grace - time, as Henry Cloud articulates it in his work on boundaries and change). This is a simple medicine that brings about profound results, but only when all three elements are included in the process. If you try to skip, ignore, or short-change one of the three, the healing process gets stuck. That applies to inner/self healing, and healing relationships (with other people or with God).
Throughout my life, especially during times of transition and transformation, I find myself coming back to this formula - and noticing which one of the three areas I want to shortcut. Sometimes it is truth - there are times when I prefer to ignore or deny the truth that is before me. Other times it is love/grace - easier to extend to others than to myself. Often it is time - I want things to happen/resolve/transform NOW - or yesterday. But all three are necessary ingredients of any healthy healing, change, or transformation.
I invite you think about this multi-purpose soul aspirin of truth-love(grace)-time and apply it to the areas in your life that invite healing, change and transformation. Do you feel resistance in one of the three areas? What is it like to sit with that resistance, and then to move closer to embracing this trinity of healing?
Good medicine, indeed!
Blessings,
Kim
In the spiritual life there is an equally simple medicine that helps bring about healing, change and transformation: The formula Truth - Love - Time (or truth - grace - time, as Henry Cloud articulates it in his work on boundaries and change). This is a simple medicine that brings about profound results, but only when all three elements are included in the process. If you try to skip, ignore, or short-change one of the three, the healing process gets stuck. That applies to inner/self healing, and healing relationships (with other people or with God).
Throughout my life, especially during times of transition and transformation, I find myself coming back to this formula - and noticing which one of the three areas I want to shortcut. Sometimes it is truth - there are times when I prefer to ignore or deny the truth that is before me. Other times it is love/grace - easier to extend to others than to myself. Often it is time - I want things to happen/resolve/transform NOW - or yesterday. But all three are necessary ingredients of any healthy healing, change, or transformation.
I invite you think about this multi-purpose soul aspirin of truth-love(grace)-time and apply it to the areas in your life that invite healing, change and transformation. Do you feel resistance in one of the three areas? What is it like to sit with that resistance, and then to move closer to embracing this trinity of healing?
Good medicine, indeed!
Blessings,
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)