Normally I write on Sunday night, but I spent the evening watching a dust storm move through our area. At first I thought it was smoke from one of the neighboring wildfires. But then it reminded me of the dust storms I experienced briefly while living in Arizona, and the internet confirmed that we were indeed being showered with dust. An odd metaphor...
The first thing I do in the morning is look out of an east-facing window toward the Boise Foothills - Psalm 121 is part of my hard wiring. The view from our little patch of earth in Meridian is obstructed by houses etc, but if I look at just the right angle, I can see them - usually. Today, they are a memory, and the air hangs heavy with particulates. It is an odd, unpleasant sight. Visible/not visible - a bit like my current reality.
I'm about to embark on a healing journey that feels part vision quest, without the comfort of the physical wilderness (although the American South in August may feel more like wilderness than I've bargained for). I will spend three weeks addressing "heart" issues on multiple levels, working with cardiologists, dietitians, exercise pt people and stress management coaches in order to heal my heart. Last week as I reflected on this journey I found myself wondering which I feared more - that I will have to embrace lasting change as a result of this journey, or that, despite this journey, nothing changes. It is the latter I fear most - it is time for change.
I've been reading a very challenging book on women and intuition called "Women's Intuition: Unlocking the Wisdom of the Body, by Paula M. Reeves. I came upon an interesting quote last evening in her chapter entitled "Trusting Intuition to Lead Us"-
Once we begin to clear away much of what has stood in the way of conscious embodiment, we begin to feel, see, and hear the murmurs of our intuition more clearly. We must pay heed to these whisperings or else they will again disappear. These faint signals come from the essential Self, urging us to be true to ourselves and the changes authenticity brings. But we face many challenges as we learn to listen in - for example, what if what we hear is disruptive to our lives? How do we differentiate between "true" signals and those that should be ignored? These are crucial issues, particularly for women because our desire to please is so strong.
Our strength not to succumb to the fear of rejection, alienation, or abandonment by those who want us to stay the same will be tested. This can be very difficult, for the urge to change may bring us into conflict with the others who share our lives...because of this, it is inevitable that we will feel a conflict between what our intuition is telling us we want at the deepest level and our wish to avoid a disruption in the expectations that we have been carrying for those we love (those with whom we live, and work and share our lives). Listening to our bodies, we may even realize that we have agreed to things not because we truly felt them, but to guarantee that we will not be abandoned or rejected. Revisiting the many barters made under the guise of only wanting to avoid conflict or not make waves in order to belong, to be acceptable, to be thin enough, or bright enough, or to avoid gossip, we may discover we really don't give a damn about an antiseptically clean kitchen floor, parenting, marriage, work or the latest fashion (p 166, with editing).
Sigh. Strong words...
I will not only be looking at the electrical wiring of my heart, but also all those barters I've made along the way that help keep me in this state of chronic stress, so that I heal on all levels - body, mind and soul - and come away from this "vision quest" whole, and more able to hear my inner voice.
Change is coming - change is here. I may not write on this blog during my time away (not sure yet - will play it by ear). This quest has been decades in the making - and now it is time. I tremble with a fearful joy as I prepare to step into this unknown.
See you on the other side -
Kim
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