The “A” Word

When my son was young and we were preparing for a major life change (new job, move etc) I would tell him it was time for an adventure.  We’d do our research,  make plans and dive headlong into the transition.  We had many adventures when he was young (for such is the nature of the early years of pastoral ministry).  By the time he was a teen his perspective began to shift and he referred to adventures as the “a” word.  Change was no longer just fun.  Now it also involved loss and uncertainty - change was complex.  Once he became a young adult the more challenging “adventures” became AFGEs (where A stands for another, G stands for growth, E stands for experience and you can guess what F stands for).

Transitions and change are complex experiences - joy and sorrow, fear and hope all co-mingled into a brew that is sometimes sweet and at other times bitter and often served with tears.

After I long time of reflection and discernment, I accepted a call to another church community 2040 miles from here and let my current church know that it was time for me to leave.  Now we all have started an adventure.  And it is complex.  Since the make up of my heart allows me to cry easily and often, it has been hard to stay hydrated this past week as I began saying goodbye to people I love and a community that, for a decade, has been my home.  Although there is much about Idaho that has been challenging (fire season, political discourse, “Buy a truck and get a Gun” and open carry of firearms comes readily to mind) it has been home.    I know where to get excellent Mexican food or the best Holy Kale Juice or to see a sky full of stars.  Or where to go to share a cup of tea with a dear friend.  I know to not try to get on the Connector going east at 8 am and to avoid Eagle Rd at almost any time of the day.  And I know that I love this congregation and that the congregation loves me and is feeling all the complex emotions I am feeling.

I have no doubt that this is the right decision for me, for the congregation I am joining in January and for the one I will leave in December.  As hard as change can be, I feel this change right down to my bones.  Now is the time.  And since I don’t think God play favorites, I trust that if this is best for me and best for the calling congregation in Ohio, it will also be best for the congregation in Boise.

But even with that inner certainty, I still feel the fear.  The stress.  The anxiety.  The loss.  And the guilt.  Those lenses give me a potent view of my world - and it isn’t pretty.  When I am looking through fear, stress, anxiety, loss and guilt the world becomes a very dark place.  An unwelcoming place.  A scary place.  An unsafe place.  And impending disasters lurk around every corner!  The glass becomes half empty and the liquid in it is poison.  I become vigilant - looking for the problem that is waiting to leap out at me and catch me unaware.

Last night I was gripped but just such a moment.  Overwhelmed by the enormity of saying goodbye, selling a house, buying a house, moving across country and then saying hello - I sat on the edge of my bed in a very dark place - seeing menacing shadows around every corner.  It was as if Halloween came early - and it was all tricks and no treats!

And then - when I least expected it - God gently cracked my heart open, and I saw something besides the menacing shadows.  I saw all the people who were loving me through this transition.  Each person who was giving of their love and kindness to gentle me through.  People who were strangers a week ago working hard to secure a home for me in Ohio while others work here to sell the home I have.  Friends and colleagues, congregants and consultants - all giving me their very best love and support.  And in that moment - when I least expected it - I was flooded with gratitude for God’s unfailing love and support that was shown to me through so many people - God with skin on...

...or perhaps known by another “A” word - angels.

I rest safe and secure in the arms of the angels - and know that, no matter how complex and challenging this transition might be, these earthly angels will see me and each other through the changes.  And all will be well.

With love and deep gratitude,
Kim