Unfocused Eyes and God's Laughter

For the past three years I have focused intense study on the process of discernment - both for individuals and groups.  How fitting it is that I should find myself neck deep in my own discernment journey!  The books and exercises have been helpful - knowledge and experience is a good teacher.  Each discipline has helped to build a foundation of "listening" - which is the most important discernment faculty.  That and, perhaps, not taking myself or the process too seriously...

...but it is a serious process, worthy of my best effort.  And so I have methodically and prayerfully worked my way through each question.  I have journaled and colored and wandered through many a labyrinth.  I have bench-pressed my weight in discernment exercises.  And here is what I have learned:

Sometimes discernment comes in an instant, like a white-hot flash of insight!  Unexpected, often unbidden, it contains enormous power, and can singe the recipient.

Sometimes discernment burns slowly until the insight is fanned into a red-hot flame by the Spirit.  Burning deep in the soul, it gives light and warmth for the journey.

But sometimes discernment arrives like the earliest of spring days - and you know it is here because as you pass that old tree that looks dead and lifeless, you notice just the faintest hint of an electric green aura emerging from its branches.  Stare at it and you miss it; unfocus your eyes and look just past the branches and the not-yet-leaves of green shimmer with possibilities.  You did nothing to awaken the tree from its winter slumber, and yet new life is emerging right before your eyes.  By the end of the week leaves are visible, and soon you confirm what the birds had been singing since winter - that new life emerges even from places that long seem dead.  Before too long the tree is bedecked in glorious leaves, and life is renewed - and not only for the tree.

All the work - all the exercises - each and every prayer - every positive affirmation - helps prepare the eyes to see the new life, and the heart to embrace it.   But the work of discernment does not cause the movement of Spirit - God is not a puppet to be manipulated, even by the loveliest of discerning strings.

I have seen the shimmer of green in my heart - God has been quietly working all along, bringing the signs of new life just when needed (what impeccable timing God has)!  I note with interest that I could not see the emerging green until I relaxed, unfocused my eyes, and looked past that upon which I was focused.  Sheer effort is not the answer; surrender is.

God laughs - of this I am sure.  I smile - and offer thanks that the unfolding of God's grace and wisdom is not dependent on my actions, or my accomplishments - like unconditional love, it cannot be earned.  It is pure gift - extravagantly given.  Like in the Parable of the Sower, God seems to scatter seeds (transformative possibility) with great abandon.  I offer thanks that, today, I am not food for the birds, nor am I planted in rocky, shallow soil.  I feel my roots deepening and my soul being nourished - and veriditas (thank you, Hildegard), emerging.

The answers will come.  I have only to see them, not create them.  Time to breathe deeply, and follow the love.

Veriditas!
Kim